I’ll Swim On

Nobody knows

the rush of the river

over my heart

and down my face

drowning me as each ripple

tries to break my pieces

into pebbles

then into molecules

no one can see

except for me

I wish I wasn’t the only one

all I see are imperfections

when others see

they lie

the truth is hidden

they say that I look good

that my demeanor is beautiful

I don’t believe them

but I’ll swim on

down the this stream

of sorrow

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World Mental Health Day 2016

Yesterday was World Mental Health Day, I wish I had written about it yesterday, but  haven’t been in the best physical health lately.

 

World Mental Health Day is a day of celebration. We celebrate who we are, no matter our differences. Some of us have depression. Others, anxiety. I happen to deal with Bipolar or Schizoaffective (my doctor is not sure). There are4 many other disorders that people live with. The thing is, we don’t need to just live with it. We need to thrive with it.

 

Mental illness can hold one down. It is so easy to give into the black of depression, the red and blue of bipolar, and a spectrum of colors that I imagine would be schizophrenia. We let it hold us back. Sometimes we aren’t holding it back. It rushes over us and no dam can hold it back

 

Being mentally ill is never somebody’s choice. Who in the world would choose to struggle so deeply? I can’t think of anyone, and I’m willing to b et you can’t either.

 

If I could go back to the day I first decided to give into the bullies, I would do it in a heartbeat. Or, maybe I wouldn’t. Mental illness has made me stronger. By breaking me down, I’ve been able to find my pieces. This time, I am trying to build myself on a stronger foundation. I’m going to put the pieces together in a different pattern so I will not be broken as easily. You can do this as well.

 

Speaking about mental illness is the first step to recovery. Talk to your family, your friends, your doctor, and anybody else you want to share your struggles with. Share your story. You never know who you could inspire to get help. Get help yourself. There is nothing wrong with taking medicine or getting therapy. It’s the strong thing to do.

 

I’m going to keep caring for myself, and I hope you will as well. It might only be World Mental Health Day one day a year, but every day is a day to take care of your mental well-being. Take care of yourself each and every day of the year.
I can do it, and so can you.

I Touched The Sky

I touched the sky

Not long ago

I watched it cry

As tears fell below

The clouds were kind

Until they changed

Into my mind

All over gray

The sun was high

Too far to reach

I could not find

The fiery peach

It’s pit was mine

Inside my heart

It grew each time

I fell apart

Love shines bright

But hate glows more

A black of night

With hurt in store

I’d rather burn

The candle of fear

So it will mourn

And melt in tears

I’ll grab a net

And catch the hope

It will be wet

Paint drying slow

Someday I’ll find

Armour of gold

To wrap my mind

Safe from the cold

I’ll get a net

Fish in the sky

I’ll catch what yet

Was to be mine

The fire will scar

Me with my name

For now, here we are

And will never be the same

Horizon

She wonders where her life has gone

It’s been 10 years and she can’t find a way

To jump over the candlestick

All it’s done is urn her heels

Keeping her from moving on

She can’t tie her shoelaces

They keep tripping her as

She falls down

Into the puddle, like always

The mud clogs her eyes

And fills her mouth

So she can’t see

She can’t speak

She’s stuck in the same spot that she’s always been

Too afraid to move forward

But determined to not move back

She gives it to her fears

They whisper to her

Trying to tie her down

 

She finds a knife

For the first time she doesn’t

Use it on herself

No

This time she cuts the rope

Ready to stand up

And walk down the path

Holding the candle to find her way

Tying her shoelaces

As the burns have healed

The mud has turned to crystal clear

Water that shows

Her reflection

The first time she’s ever looked down

And believed that she could do it

 

She takes a step

Then another

Until she reaches the horizon

Phoenix

 

My brain and heart clash

Watch my body turn to ash

I burn down like a tree of wood dry

I water the remains with each tear I cry

The salt builds an ocean in the roots underground

Spreading through branches that are already bound

They try to break free but I can’t let go

This trunk is my only chance to grow

It seems I can’t do anything right

I always block the sunlight

It burns me into crispy skin

Falling apart with each dying limb

I start to try to climb the tree

But it won’t accept me

I’ve made mistakes, but haven’t we all?

The beautiful oak is soon to fall

No matter how far I reach up high

There is no use to even try

A stump is all that’s left of me now

Cut down by trees who are falling down

We are all smoke in a fire that won’t leave

Remains of what the world doesn’t see

Then something strange happens to us all

Our bodies come back into beings, all tall

Look around and see a red bird

With the most beautiful call I’ve ever heard

He tells us we’re back from the dirt we became

A phoenix with no home and no name

We rose above from what I had done

The phoenix has saved me from what I’ve become

I’ve risen above as a bird of the night

Ready to join in on the flight

Perfectly Imperfect

I’m far away

From perfection

Each time I look at my reflection

I see the pain behind my eyes

The stomach that doesn’t feel right

I hate the way I am

Some days more than others

 

I wish I wish with all my heart

I can get through this life

Without falling apart

I’ve broken down more times than I can count

I rebuild then my foundation falls out

P8ick me up one more time

Glue me together so you can’t see the lines

I might not like what I see

But I’m me and I’m free to say

I’m perfectly imperfect

 

Mirrors are my biggest fear

They show me all that is wrong

They show the sour note in my song

I trust the cracked idea I have

Of who I am, I see the bad

I hate the way I am

Wish I could stay undercover

 

I wish I wish with all my heart

I can get through this life

Without falling apart

I’ve broken down more times than I can count

I rebuild then my foundation falls out

P8ick me up one more time

Glue me together so you can’t see the lines

I might not like what I see

But I’m me and I’m free to say

I’m perfectly imperfect

 

The hourglass runs out

While I wish it was my figure

The pull is at a five foot ten

At five foot three, it’s hard to swim

I may be cracked into pieces

But I am still perfectly unbroken

On the inside

 

I wish I wish with all my heart

I can get through this life

Without falling apart

I’ve broken down more times than I can count

I rebuild then my foundation falls out

P8ick me up one more time

Glue me together so you can’t see the lines

I might not like what I see

But I’m me and I’m free to say

I’m perfectly imperfect

 

I won’t break down, or tell you my secret

I am perfectly imperfect

I Thought It Was OCD

If I asked 100 people what they thought of when they heard the word Asperger’s, at least 50 would use the word obsessions in their descriptions. They’d say our obsessions are weird or in a nicer word, unique.

 

I know I have obsessions like they are thinking of. Legos, Deadpool, Comic books, they have all been on the train of my obsessions, running through my head and driving out. I get stuck on these topics and can’t think of anything else.

 

Well, that’s not exactly true. I can think of other things. They aren’t always very pleasant things.

 

My obsessions can be downright scary. I worry that I am going to do bad things to people. For example, I’ve pictured myself pushing my sister down the stairs. I would never do it, but it plagues my head a lot. I also worry that the house is going to catch on fire, or someone is going to break in. I worry that I am going to get an illness. Worry, worry, worry is 99% of my brain.

 

These obsessions don’t come alone. Oh, no, they come with compulsions. I won’t step on cracks. If I hit one arm, I have to hit the other one, or it feels fuzzy. Every time I touch the trashcan, I have to wash my hands or I won’t be able to focus on anything else. I sometimes do it several times, going back and forth between the trashcan and the sink. There is much much more.

 

When I was in my first hospital, I told my therapist about these struggles. She then asked me to tell her how many tiles there were on the ceiling. I do count sometimes, but this was not one of the moments. I told her that  didn’t know, and from then on, she dismissed my problems. She wouldn’t believe me, which hurt me. I knew I struggled with it, and she wouldn’t listen.

 

Years have gone by, and I never received any treatment until I got to my current psychiatrist. He tried an antidepressant  that was supposed to help with obsessive compulsive disorder. All it did was send me into a severe manic episode.

 

After a while, I got diagnosed with Asperger’s. I’ve been told that Asperger’s has symptoms that fit in with other disorders. It makes my attention span very small, sort of like attention deficit disorder. It also can include obsessive compulsive tendencies. It seems that  I’ve gotten all the parts of Asperger’s.
I’m glad I know now, because now people know I am not exaggerating. People are trying to help me now, and I am learning how to help myself. I might not have OCD, but it is part of my disorder. It is hard to deal with, but I’m working on it and trying to find ways to help battle my struggles. It’s annoying to have a disorder that contains so many other symptoms, and to tell you the truth, I in no way enjoy it. I hope that I can keep receiving help, and I will learn how to help myself.