Naked

The war between you and your mind

Becomes a war between you and the world

Water pours, but so does blood

Gunshots hurt, but so do words

Telling yourself that you are something

Doesn’t work

Because they tell you that you are trash

Sure, someone’s trash is someone else’s treasure

But there is nobody in the world

That can make you feel that yourself

You trip, you fall

Broken legs mean nothing

When you have a broken mind

A broken heart

A broken life

Everything hurts when your brain

Wants you dead

Pain comes out as tears

Tears come out as bloodshot eyes

Bloodshot eyes become your signature look

No matter how many layers of clothing you have on

You are naked

Exposed to the wind filled with

Debris mixed with hatred

Leaves with veins that let out

Indifference

Nobody cares when the air

Blows your hair

And you can’t seem to let go

Of everything holding you down

It keeps you in place

When you want the wind to

push you forward

But you are stuck

You were wrong

It could get worse

Maybe

 

Maybe I don’t understand love

and I don’t know what hope is

God knows I need the help

But I don’t know how to ask for it

Everyone wants to fix me

Maybe I don’t need to be fixed

Sometimes being broken

Is a blessing

Being able to accept others

Because maybe you just aren’t right yourself

You don’t feel sympathy

You feel empathy

Because that stomach of yours

Gets clenched up too

Your eyes get wet more than you’d

like to admit

Heartbeats come faster than they should

Insomnia is more than a cute phrase people say

When they stay up too late

You are living the life people feel sorry for

Yet don’t give enough attention to

You can’t show somebody

That your pieces are missing

To them, if your outside is a

completed puzzle

You are not sick

You are faking

Or making things worse than they are

“Oh yeah, I get anxious too”

Really?

Do you know what it is like

To feel like you are dying

When really your life is just beginning

you hope

“You’ll be fine”

How do you know?

This is how I’ve been for 10 years

Who’s to say that I won’t always be like this?

Who’s to say that it won’t get worse?

 

So maybe I don’t understand love

And maybe I don’t know what hope is

But I do know what fear is

I know what I feel

And I know that things are not,

and will never be,

Completely okay

Anxiety

She sits in silence

Tries to keep me inside

But it shows in her shaking hands

And the scared look in her eyes

Doesn’t want me to come out

In fear that she’ll explode

But I come out and show my face

I’m all around like smoke

I fill the air with fear

She can’t breathe fast enough

In and out, she sucks me in

Then depletes her lungs

I can’t walk, I don’t have feet

But I am in her bones

Push her any way I want

Her thoughts become my own

I take over and take in

Everything she sees

I’ll twist and change it every way

So she can’t even think

When she starts to start anew

I stop right in her way

She can’t move when I’m around

So in a box she’ll stay

I love it when she cannot move

I like to see her cry

Turning light into madness

Is how I pass my time

She tries to stop me and calm down

Breathe in and count to four

But two can play at that game

I’ll take her up some more

There’s no way that she can stop

When I am in the lead

So watch out world, here comes the freak

Who has become just me

Eleven

One pill to fix the memories

One pill to forget

One pill to reduce the pain

I made in my own head

One pill to erase the fears

One pill to delete

All the things that keep me up

So maybe I can sleep

One pill to push the feelings down

One pill to blur the day

One pill to unhear the sounds

One keeps the ghosts away

One pill to ease anxiety

One pill to ground my feet

I take the drugs to make me who

I am supposed to be

Chemicals and Matches

Sometimes, I want to end it. I want to undo the world, untie the knots in my brain. Make things better when I know that won’t happen. Change my past doings when I know its not possible.

Sometimes, I hate myself. My skin is my worst enemy. My heart is an evil force. My thoughts are both my best friend and biggest defeater.

Sometimes, I don’t want to do this. Going on would be harder than just going to live with the stars. The stars are beautiful. Why can’t I be the same?

Sometimes, I get scared. Make that all the time. Fear attacks me, swallows me in. I am one with the anxiety but it is slowly taking over.

Sometimes, I am dangerous. I am like chemicals and matches. If you mix up everything inside of me, I’ll explode. Boom. Crash. Die.

But….

Sometimes, I gain courage. I talk to someone new. Smile at a stranger. Decide to make myself happy.

Sometimes, I love myself. Looking in the mirror isn’t as bad. Clothes feel right. People’s eyes don’t bother me. If someone stares, I’ll think maybe they actually like me.

Sometimes, I take a new step. Jump outside of the world I have created for myself. Outer space isn’t such a bad place, when it makes you feel weightless.

Sometimes, I am not heavy. My shoulders are not dragged down. My face is not a constant straight line. There are no weights on my feet, telling me to stay put.

Sometime, I am me. I break the mirror showing me my flaws, and look out a window that shows me the good things. Beauty, love, and hope are present, and I am too.

Tangible

Christmas is in four days. My birthday is in six. This is probably the most exciting part of the year to me. I am so excited I can hardly contain it. These lyrics I wrote do not fit my recent mood at all, but they came out of me anyway. I seem to write best about sad subjects. Here is “Tangible”


I tried to grab the world

By the clouds, and drag them down

So they would be at my level

Out of the sky and underground

A place where I seem to stay

 

I hate being the only one

Who is alone when nobody’s gone

I may be surrounded

But I still am afraid

A thing that is homemade

 

I don’t know

Where I belong

I don’t know

Where I went wrong

Why don’t I know

how to live

How to give up my dreams

They don’t mean anything at all

Not at all

 

Tangible objects don’t mean much

When what I want is something

I can’t touch

I need peace

Some hope would be nice

Maybe melt this heart made of ice

I don’t know

Where I belong

I don’t know

Where I went wrong

Why don’t I know

how to live

How to give up my dreams

They don’t mean anything at all

Not at all

 

My thoughts catch me

It has a net that seems to get

Me everytime I try to run away

My wishful thinking never helps

It only makes me less sure of myself

 

I’m finished being finished

But my brain is overdone

And burnt to a crisp

I can’t do this


Can’t

I’m not sure why this song popped up in my head. I am in a great place, but the words came to me. When words come, you can’t pass them up. I don’t have much else to say besides that, so I’ll go ahead and post the song. The review for the Cold War Kids’ album should be up very soon. Sorry for the delay.


 

I can’t, I won’t

So don’t even try

 

I said, I can’t, I won’t

So don’t even try

 

Nobody will let me

So I will not be telling

There is no way I can do this alone

I need to get out

Of this place, of this house

I need to do it on my own

 

But I’m scared and afraid

Want to go my own way

But I’m making a mess of myself

Don’t tell me I’m wrong

I don’t want to be saved by anyone else

Have to do it for me

But it’s hard to break free

When you’re barely breathing

I just can’t

 

Throwing my life down the drain

Is a common theme of every single day

Want to climb out of the pipes

I go down in flames

Can’t stand my own name

It’s meaning is that I’m screwed up inside

 

I’m scared and afraid

Want to go my own way

But I’m making a mess of myself

Don’t tell me I’m wrong

I don’t want to be saved by anyone else

Have to do it for me

But it’s hard to break free

When you’re barely breathing

I just can’t

 

I’m trying so hard

Can’t you see it’s not enough

Fill my days up with fluff

So you can’t see my real life

And I try

Can you try?

 

I’m scared and afraid

Want to go my own way

But I’m making a mess of myself

Don’t tell me I’m wrong

I don’t want to be saved by anyone else

Have to do it for me

But it’s hard to break free

When you’re barely breathing

I just can’t

 

I can’t, but I want

So someone stand by my side

 

I said I can’t. but I want

So someone stand by my side today