Fake Friend

 

I ran around with you

I was 11 you were with me

Thought you were you the best

In history, but  couldn’t see

When you rode the bus of bad dreams

And you sat right there right beside me

Laughing in my wildest daydreams

But I hoped it’d be over soon

 

A connection between us

Turned into disruption

How did we build this assumption

That turned into misery.

 

Trust in me

Trust in you

Don’t trust anything we have been through

Trust in life

Trust in death

The devil won’t take me quite yet

So here I go again

Giving my life to a fake friend

 

Here we sit inside your room

Playing dolls and screaming warnings

Or was that just my brain screaming

To leave before morning

When we decided she could come

I should have seen she was someone

That others could see the problem

But my hope was blind

 

A connection between us

Turned into disruption

How did we build this assumption

That turned into misery.

 

Trust in me

Trust in you

Don’t trust anything we have been through

Trust in life

Trust in death

The devil won’t take me quite yet

So here I go again

Giving my life to a fake friend

 

I should have known that friends

Are not always what they  seem

While I was happy to have a friend

I should have known how meen

She pulled hair out in handfuls

Hit me so hard that I couldn’t pull

Away from her hands full of cruel

I was done

 

No connection between us

I still hurt from the disruption

I don’t why the assumption

Made her fine but tortured me

 

Trust in me

Trust in you

Don’t trust anything we have been through

Trust in life

Trust in death

The devil won’t take me quite yet

So here
So I go again

Still giving my life to a fake friend

 

I won’t my life be through

 

Your stupid attitude

 

Never understood the que

 

And I will never, ever, ever, for forever
Put my trust in you

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We Are Invisible

I am mad. I NEVER get mad. But today, I am mad.  You know why? My dang Asperger’s. There is not going to be any happy, positive ending to this. I’m sorry if that’s what you were looking for.

There are many people that make fun of it, use it as an insult. They use it to mean stupid. They use it to mean illiterate. It’s not fair.

To the people who do this: News Flash! Asperger’s is a real condition. We struggle, we fight it, we try to improve. It is hard to live with. Yet nobody seems to notice.

If somebody is going to talk about an ASD, they talked about lower-functioning persons. They don’t even give us Aspies a second thought. They don’t care about us. We are not on their radar

Does anybody raise money to help people with Asperger’s? Does anybody do a walk or run to support those struggling? Does anybody freaking stand up for us, not on social media? I’ve never heard anybody.

Asperger’s is like a blister.  Nobody wants to know about it or hear about it. They try to stay away from the subject as best as possible. They just don’t care. We are invisible.

There are no places to write about your experience except for a personal blog. I want to be heard. I want people to know what it is like. I want show that Asperger’s is a real, tough disorder.

Asperger’s is hard enough, these people shouldn’t make it harder. I want to educate them. Learning about Autism is one of my passions. i want to spread the word so nobody else has to feel like this. Asperger’s voices deserve to be heard.

Naked

The war between you and your mind

Becomes a war between you and the world

Water pours, but so does blood

Gunshots hurt, but so do words

Telling yourself that you are something

Doesn’t work

Because they tell you that you are trash

Sure, someone’s trash is someone else’s treasure

But there is nobody in the world

That can make you feel that yourself

You trip, you fall

Broken legs mean nothing

When you have a broken mind

A broken heart

A broken life

Everything hurts when your brain

Wants you dead

Pain comes out as tears

Tears come out as bloodshot eyes

Bloodshot eyes become your signature look

No matter how many layers of clothing you have on

You are naked

Exposed to the wind filled with

Debris mixed with hatred

Leaves with veins that let out

Indifference

Nobody cares when the air

Blows your hair

And you can’t seem to let go

Of everything holding you down

It keeps you in place

When you want the wind to

push you forward

But you are stuck

You were wrong

It could get worse

Maybe

 

Maybe I don’t understand love

and I don’t know what hope is

God knows I need the help

But I don’t know how to ask for it

Everyone wants to fix me

Maybe I don’t need to be fixed

Sometimes being broken

Is a blessing

Being able to accept others

Because maybe you just aren’t right yourself

You don’t feel sympathy

You feel empathy

Because that stomach of yours

Gets clenched up too

Your eyes get wet more than you’d

like to admit

Heartbeats come faster than they should

Insomnia is more than a cute phrase people say

When they stay up too late

You are living the life people feel sorry for

Yet don’t give enough attention to

You can’t show somebody

That your pieces are missing

To them, if your outside is a

completed puzzle

You are not sick

You are faking

Or making things worse than they are

“Oh yeah, I get anxious too”

Really?

Do you know what it is like

To feel like you are dying

When really your life is just beginning

you hope

“You’ll be fine”

How do you know?

This is how I’ve been for 10 years

Who’s to say that I won’t always be like this?

Who’s to say that it won’t get worse?

 

So maybe I don’t understand love

And maybe I don’t know what hope is

But I do know what fear is

I know what I feel

And I know that things are not,

and will never be,

Completely okay

Chemicals and Matches

Sometimes, I want to end it. I want to undo the world, untie the knots in my brain. Make things better when I know that won’t happen. Change my past doings when I know its not possible.

Sometimes, I hate myself. My skin is my worst enemy. My heart is an evil force. My thoughts are both my best friend and biggest defeater.

Sometimes, I don’t want to do this. Going on would be harder than just going to live with the stars. The stars are beautiful. Why can’t I be the same?

Sometimes, I get scared. Make that all the time. Fear attacks me, swallows me in. I am one with the anxiety but it is slowly taking over.

Sometimes, I am dangerous. I am like chemicals and matches. If you mix up everything inside of me, I’ll explode. Boom. Crash. Die.

But….

Sometimes, I gain courage. I talk to someone new. Smile at a stranger. Decide to make myself happy.

Sometimes, I love myself. Looking in the mirror isn’t as bad. Clothes feel right. People’s eyes don’t bother me. If someone stares, I’ll think maybe they actually like me.

Sometimes, I take a new step. Jump outside of the world I have created for myself. Outer space isn’t such a bad place, when it makes you feel weightless.

Sometimes, I am not heavy. My shoulders are not dragged down. My face is not a constant straight line. There are no weights on my feet, telling me to stay put.

Sometime, I am me. I break the mirror showing me my flaws, and look out a window that shows me the good things. Beauty, love, and hope are present, and I am too.

Songs To Get Out Your Anger

Welcome to today’s installment of me sharing songs with you all. These posts don’t usually get many viewers, but I enjoy sharing music, so here I go. Today’s posts are all songs that could be aimed at someone who is making you angry. The thing is, these songs make me happy. I love sharing what makes me happy with you all. I hope you all will share whatever you want to with the world. Here are some of my favorites:

1. Caught Like A Fly- Falling In Reverse

I love this song. It is my favorite FIR song. The chorus gets to me, because it is so true. People hurt you, and this is often how they are in real life. This song is like real life, but it also a fun one.

2. Go To Hell, For Heaven’s Sake- Bring Me The Horizon

The ultimate angry song. Who doesn’t want to say this to someone that has hurt them? Oli Syke’s voice is very different, and it fits songs like this perfectly

3. The Chain- Fleetwood  Mac

This song is a classic example of an angry song. While it does not have many lyrics, it gets its point across. Fleetwood Mac are a band that I have loved for years, but I never really got the lyrics until recently. Listen to more of their music, and you will be amazed.

And finally~

4. Dammit- Blink-182

The title is angry. The song is about a lost love. You know you need to move on but you can’t. This song might not be what you would say, but it is definitely how you feel. This song is too good to not be on this list.

There are many other examples, but these are the ones that popped in my head. I’ll be posting more songs every now and again. Some days they will have specific themes, and others days it will just be songs I am in the mood for. I hope you enjoy (Or get riled up by) this playlist on your Friday. Thanks,

 

Try

Today has been a pretty good day, but I have had it up to the sky with my sister. She is only nine and acts as if she is half that. I love her to pieces, but I struggle a lot with feeling inferior to her. This poem is about my feelings I have been having with her.

On another note, my dad told me today that I should consider being a songwriter. That made me feel pretty good. This is an attempt at a song, so if you like it, I’d love to hear it. I would like to know if I am actually good at this.

Here is “Try”

Sisters fight and yell

It’s not alright, I tell

Her everyday I love her

Why can’t she say it back?

 

She hits and pulls my hair

When I need her, she’s not there

Eight years apart

Why is it so far?

She’s younger, but she rules me

It’s tyranny, I wish it wasn’t

I hate how I’m not strong enough

To tell her she is wrong

 

She tries my patience

And I try to act my age

I try to be a leader

But she always takes center stage

I try to not fall into

Her screaming and the fights

I try so hard to not be wrong

But she’s not always right

 

I know she’s not all at fault

I took a part and have not taught

Her how to listen and be kind

She will share her piece of mind

Even if you don’t want it

She won’t quit until she wins

Just let me do me without your thoughts

You’ve crossed your T’s and made your dots

 

She tries my patience

And I try to act my age

I try to be a leader

But she always takes center stage

I try to not fall into

Her screaming and the fights

I try so hard to not be wrong

But she’s not always right

 

Please know I love you

But I can’t take

All of the ways you treat me

She tries my patience

And I try to act my age

I try to be a leader

But she always takes center stage

I try to not fall into

Her screaming and the fights

I try so hard to not be wrong

But she’s not always right


I try and I try and I try