If I asked 100 people what they thought of when they heard the word Asperger’s, at least 50 would use the word obsessions in their descriptions. They’d say our obsessions are weird or in a nicer word, unique.
I know I have obsessions like they are thinking of. Legos, Deadpool, Comic books, they have all been on the train of my obsessions, running through my head and driving out. I get stuck on these topics and can’t think of anything else.
Well, that’s not exactly true. I can think of other things. They aren’t always very pleasant things.
My obsessions can be downright scary. I worry that I am going to do bad things to people. For example, I’ve pictured myself pushing my sister down the stairs. I would never do it, but it plagues my head a lot. I also worry that the house is going to catch on fire, or someone is going to break in. I worry that I am going to get an illness. Worry, worry, worry is 99% of my brain.
These obsessions don’t come alone. Oh, no, they come with compulsions. I won’t step on cracks. If I hit one arm, I have to hit the other one, or it feels fuzzy. Every time I touch the trashcan, I have to wash my hands or I won’t be able to focus on anything else. I sometimes do it several times, going back and forth between the trashcan and the sink. There is much much more.
When I was in my first hospital, I told my therapist about these struggles. She then asked me to tell her how many tiles there were on the ceiling. I do count sometimes, but this was not one of the moments. I told her that didn’t know, and from then on, she dismissed my problems. She wouldn’t believe me, which hurt me. I knew I struggled with it, and she wouldn’t listen.
Years have gone by, and I never received any treatment until I got to my current psychiatrist. He tried an antidepressant that was supposed to help with obsessive compulsive disorder. All it did was send me into a severe manic episode.
After a while, I got diagnosed with Asperger’s. I’ve been told that Asperger’s has symptoms that fit in with other disorders. It makes my attention span very small, sort of like attention deficit disorder. It also can include obsessive compulsive tendencies. It seems that I’ve gotten all the parts of Asperger’s.
I’m glad I know now, because now people know I am not exaggerating. People are trying to help me now, and I am learning how to help myself. I might not have OCD, but it is part of my disorder. It is hard to deal with, but I’m working on it and trying to find ways to help battle my struggles. It’s annoying to have a disorder that contains so many other symptoms, and to tell you the truth, I in no way enjoy it. I hope that I can keep receiving help, and I will learn how to help myself.