Murky Sky

I almost

Fell of the edge of the world

Hoping the universe will

Call me home

I’ll waltz among

The stars

Tango with the meteors

Get drawn in by a

Blackhole
It feels like I am

Stuck here

Kicking

Screaming

Trying to clutch onto

The nothingness

All I see is the movie reel

Of my life

Swirling in my head

As I swirl around in the

Blank abyss

 

Suddenly

I reach for hope

And I find it

A way out

An entrance back to

The place I call home

It might not be on stable ground

But I am finding my way through the

Murky sky

Waiting for strength to be

Held down by

Gravity

Colors of the Sky

I might fall down

Just might get hurt

But I will not

Let this fire burn

Me to a crisp

Have nothing left

Than rotten bones

That broke while I slept

I reach up

To grab something new

All I can grasp

Is what make the sky blue

I turn the sky black

Covered with depression

And ash

No more sunsets

Nothing to view

It matches my weary eyes

Exactly to the hue

 

I will not surrender

I’ll ke the sun rise

I  will not back down

Until I’m ruler of the sky

My eyes will gain color

My life will grow strong

My bones will be built

I’ll learn right from wrong

My burns will be covered

With a new patch of skin

I will not let this happen

Ever again

Waltzing Through Black Holes

Going down the wrong road

Is easier than finding your way back

It’s simple to slide through the mud

And dance through black holes

But getting out of them

When your feet are stuck in outer space

Is nearly impossible

Ballroom dancing turns to bawling

Skipping feet turn to skipping hearts

My heart pounds with each attempt to break free

My muscles are falling apart

My brain is turning into pieces

Puzzles of blurry images

And jagged edges that don’t seem to fit

I look down below me

I see a kaleidoscope

It brings more colors

And I think I am continuing to safety

But in reality it messes up my steps

Drunken staggering

Then I think

Maybe I don’t need to turn around

Maybe I need to keep trudging through the mud

And waltzing through the black holes

Until I reach stable land

And find out that I am who I am

Because of my walk down the road

 

They say the hardest thing about recovery

Is making it not to the start

But to the end of a long hard path

Where you can start again

Simply Schizoaffective

I’ve had all sorts of diagnoses throughout my five year mental health journey. For a while it was anxiety and depression. After a few hospital stays, I had gone through obsessive compulsive disorder, psychosis and borderline personality disorder. When I started going to a psychiatrist at the local community services board, she stuck with depression and anxiety for years. I was sick of not knowing what was going on with me.

As you can see on my hospital online portal, at my first adult hospitalization I went between borderline personality disorder and schizoaffective disorder. This was eventually changed to Bipolar I disorder. I have had this diagnosis for months now.

Yesterday, I looked at my checkout sheet and expected to see Bipolar 1 and Autistic disorder, like always. Then I looked again. The bipolar disorder was replaced with schizoaffective disorder, chronic with acute exacerbation.

I’ll break down that diagnosis for you. Schizoaffective disorder is when a person has symptoms of both schizophrenia and a mood disorder, but do not meet the DSM criteria for either of them. The mood disorder can either be depression or bipolar type. I believe I have bipolar type, which means I experience bouts of mania and depression. Schizoaffective disorder is not well understood.

Chronic with acute exacerbation simply means that the disorder lasts a long time, but is currently worse than when an episode is not happening.

My doctor asked me a lot of questions yesterday about symptoms of schizoaffective disorder. I didn’t realize he was doing that, but after some research I know why he did. I have most of the symptoms of bipolar, such as mood swings between mania and depression. I also have several symptoms of schizophrenia, at least according to some testing I had done. My parents had been told to be on the lookout for signs of schizophrenia in me. I guess the mix of the two disorders makes sense for me.

My blog name is Beautifully Bipolar, and will stay that way, but I guess you can now ca;; me Simply Schizoaffective as well (even though it isn’t that simple!)

You Might Think I’m Talking

Touch me

Tell me that you want me

Tell me that you need me

Before I fall again

 

The fire

Burning with desire

This road keeps getting higher

And I’m all in

 

You might think i’m talking

About love, but I’m not

It’s pain that has been caught

And I can’t set it free

The fire represents

The burning of incense

That brings me above

That brings me above

 

I’ll tell you

Everything about you

I’m not just me,  I’m you

We match inside

 

The storm clouds

Cover up my eyebrows

Threatening to fall down

Into my eyes

 

You might think I’m talking

About hate, but I’m not

It’s a pain that has been caught

And I can’t set it free

The storms clouds represent

My hope in the distance

That  brings me down low

That brings me down low

 

So let me get on your shoulders

So I can see above the flickering flames

Filling me up with desire to get rid,

But I am the one to blame

Now drop me down to the floor

I’m close enough already, falling down far

You all make my life into hell

You can’t see the hurt, there’s no scars

 

While I’m looking up at the stars

Wondering

 

You might think I’m talking

About messed up love

And this time that fits like a glove

This love affair I’m in

Makes me spin in circles

Makes my vision purple

That brings me up high

That brings me down low

 

That brings me up high

That brings me down low

 

I’ll say goodbye

It’s the end of my show

Build Myself Up

 

School is starting and college students are about to move in. People are doing big things with their life. New beginnings mean a brand new perspective on where their lives are going to go and where they’ll end up.

I’m working on a house made of Legos.

I am at the age where I should be a sophomore in college. At this point last year, I was super excited to move into my dorm and adjust to living away from home. Sure, home was 10 minutes away, but I was still going to be away. The longest I had stayed away from home before was the nine months I was in residential treatment three hours away. This was completely different. This was supposed to be a time in my life where I was growing more mature and having the time of my life. That however didn’t happen.

After being hospitalized once in the first month of classes, and another time a few weeks into second semester, I knew I couldn’t go back to school. My doctors and parents agreed, and I was put on sick leave. My professors didn’t realize I was and kept giving me bad grades until my adviser told them. She sent me an email so we could talk about my failing grades that I earned when I wasn’t there. I told her that I was not going to be at school, and she finally notified my professors. I was told that i could come back this coming year if I wanted to.

After two more hospitalizations after getting out of school, I am now at home and looking for things to do. These things have included volunteering, getting a job, losing a job, and having many problems with my mental health and Asperger’s. I have been up and down. My obsessions have gotten deeper. It started with Deadpool, and now it’s on to Legos.

I’ve spent hours most days in the last few weeks working on my Legos. Each kit I build, I feel like I have control over something in my life. I have built several sets. I also bought a box of just Legos with no directions. I decided to build a house with those pieces.

As I build the house, I build myself back up. I make my brain stronger. I am able to focus, sometimes hours, sometimes minutes. It’s still more than I can most of the time. It is giving me a sense of purpose. When my family tells me how good my creations are, or tell me I’m creative, it helps me realize that I actually have a talent. I feel good about myself, even if it’s just for a few moments. When I feel low, I can put down a foundation of a new creation to create a foundation for happiness. When I’m high, I stack my racing thoughts as I stack the bricks to form a tower that fails to break down. When I’m just in the middle, I sort the bricks into their right containers to help me sort out my own emotions. Bricks can be my strength when I can’t feel strong myself.

So far, the house has a sofa, table, lamp, sink, bathtub, sink, toilet, bed, stove, and dresser. There is plenty more to come. As I put it together, I put myself together.

Until I’m stronger, I’ll keep on building. I’ll find level ground, put one brick down, and stack. I’ll stack and I’ll stack until I am okay. That could be tomorrow, that could be next year. Whenever it is, I know the blocks will stand tall for me.

Why It’s Hard To Treat Bipolar and Asperger’s

It was recommended to me that I write a post about how Asperger’s syndrome and Bipolar Disorder van be comorbid. As a person who lives with both, I couldn’t pass up this idea.

To tell the truth, I didn’t really know how the two connected. I’ve done some research, but not enough to remember what I read. After this person asked me about the two’s connections, I just had to look it up.

According to Merriam-Webster’s site, here are definitions for both Asperger’s and bipolar

Asperger’s Syndrome- a developmental disorder resembling autism that is characterized by impaired social interaction, by restricted and repetitive behaviors and activities, and by normal language and cognitive development —called also Asperger’s disorder

Bipolar Disorder-  any of several psychological disorders of mood characterized usually by alternating episodes of depression and mania —called also manic depression, manic-depressive illness

These might not sound like they have much in common, but there is much more to it than a simple definition.

My psychiatrist told me the appointment after I got diagnosed with Asperger’s that bipolar disorder and Asperger’s is one of the most difficult combination of disorders to treat. He didn’t explain much after that, but after some research I found out why. Asperger’s and bipolar have many overlapping features. People with Asperger’s can have suicidal ideation, anxiety, and poor social functioning amongst other symptoms. This can lead to diagnoses of schizophrenia, anxiety, or bipolar. I live with Asperger’s, but bipolar is in the mix as well. My doctor often says my problems are caused by my bipolar. He has never said that I am having problems with my Asperger’s. I believe he is untrained in the autism field, but he is often right about what mood state I am in. I’m not sure myself if it is my bipolar disorder or Asperger’s causing the problem.

 

Bipolar can start out in childhood along with Asperger’s, and it often comes out with other disorders, sometimes misdiagnosed. I have been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, OCD, borderline personality disorder, childhood schizophrenia, and schizoaffective disorder. These were all taken away at some point and were replaced with Bipolar 1 (mania and depression, as opposed to hypomania and depression which is bipolar 2) and Asperger’s. Schizoaffective disorder, which is basically schizophrenia and bipolar together, was the reason I was asked to get tested for Asperger’s due to the same features, such as poor social skills and other symptoms they share.  After I got diagnosed with Asperger’s, I was told to watch out for Schizophrenia as I age, but bipolar has stayed. The many diagnoses came from the two being so hard to diagnose, especially together.

Another symptom that is often misinterpreted between bipolar and Asperger’s is thoughts of grandiosity and unusual thoughts. In bipolar, grandiosity is the thought that one is superior and can do anything, such as write the Great American Novel in two weeks. People with Asperger’s might believe they can be liked by everyone or make everyone stop being mean to them. These are not grandiose, but can be seen as extreme thoughts.

Sensory issues can also come with the two. Asperger’s is known for this symptom, but during a manic episode, the senses can be heightened. Light and loud sounds can be difficult. Even a light touch can set someone, either bipolar, Asperger’s, or both off. I experience this mainly because of Asperger’s, but it is very clear that it is worse during mania and meltdowns occur much more often.

This was not found in my research, but I believe that both mania and depression have things in common with Asperger’s.  For mania, a person might obsess over their ideas more. Our minds race more both in mania and Asperger’s. Asperger’s tends to contain obsessions that take up life. A person in mania will also obsess, but it can go to a dangerous level and lead to dangerous activities. Both hyperfocus on one or a couple of things. In comparison, depression and Asperger’s have lack of social skills and lack of concentration, I have an extremely hard time concentrating all the time, but when depression hits, I know I will in no way be able to concentrate.

As I did research, I realized why it is hard for doctors to diagnose and treat both Asperger’s and bipolar. I have a hard time figuring out the differences myself, and I’m living the symptoms. Hopefully doctors start having an easier time so patients can get the proper treatment. I’m still hoping for the proper treatment. Bipolar and Asperger’s are tough to treat, but they are also hard to beat. Dealing with it is tough, but with proper medical care, hopefully relief will be found soon.

https://cpementalhealth.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/1745-0179-4-2

 

http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/major-depression
https://www.semel.ucla.edu/champ/blog/dmiklowitzuclaedu/mania-vs-aspergers