Maybe

 

Maybe I don’t understand love

and I don’t know what hope is

God knows I need the help

But I don’t know how to ask for it

Everyone wants to fix me

Maybe I don’t need to be fixed

Sometimes being broken

Is a blessing

Being able to accept others

Because maybe you just aren’t right yourself

You don’t feel sympathy

You feel empathy

Because that stomach of yours

Gets clenched up too

Your eyes get wet more than you’d

like to admit

Heartbeats come faster than they should

Insomnia is more than a cute phrase people say

When they stay up too late

You are living the life people feel sorry for

Yet don’t give enough attention to

You can’t show somebody

That your pieces are missing

To them, if your outside is a

completed puzzle

You are not sick

You are faking

Or making things worse than they are

“Oh yeah, I get anxious too”

Really?

Do you know what it is like

To feel like you are dying

When really your life is just beginning

you hope

“You’ll be fine”

How do you know?

This is how I’ve been for 10 years

Who’s to say that I won’t always be like this?

Who’s to say that it won’t get worse?

 

So maybe I don’t understand love

And maybe I don’t know what hope is

But I do know what fear is

I know what I feel

And I know that things are not,

and will never be,

Completely okay

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Two years two months ago

Nobody believed I would make it

I didn’t either

Sitting on the opposite sides of the doors

That were supposed to be helping me

In a room with others who were there for three days, a week

I had been there five months

I spent my days strapped on a bed

Needles jabbed in me to calm me

So my head wouldn’t bleed

So my arms wouldn’t bleed

So I wouldn’t scream, bang, and fight

So I wouldn’t run

So I wouldn’t die

I thought I was over

They thought I was done

Then

I decided to change

Maybe life could be more than being locked up

I could amount to something more than a headcase

I wasn’t as crazy as they thought and

I

Could

Change

I could change

I could become a new person

With hopes, with dreams

Even fears, but I could control them

I could stand up for myself

Not bang my head against the wall

I could put my head into something useful

I was something

I am something

I will always be something

 

Two years two months ago

My life changed

I proved them wrong

I proved myself wrong

I have changed for the better this time

I am free

Pills

I haven’t posted in a couple days, but for good reasons. I have been busy, but one thing stands out. Writing about music is what I want to do, and I stumbled upon a website called Mind Equals Blown. They are a music website that I absolutely fell in love with the first time I visited. I have stalked it the last couple of days, and found out that they take applications for writers. The cool thing about this is that they accept high school students, which is pretty awesome. Here’s to hoping I get the position.

This poem is about the endless meds I have to take. I started writing it a while ago, but finished it yesterday. Here is “Pills”.


Pill after pill after pill

Making me better each day

It’s strange to think that chemicals

Change the wiring in my brain

 

The chemicals are what is wrong

The meds just add some more

Different, healthier ones

Some keep others from entering the door

 

It doesn’t make much since

I don’t see how it works

How one little tablet can

Change my entire world

 

If I quit swallowing them

My mood will swallow me

They keep me on the boat

Not drowning in the sea

 

Don’t like them, but I must

Take them every single day

If I want to act alive

And keep the pain away