Grey Sky Days

You led me into your kingdom

Built of convoluted lies

Let me get trapped underneath

The stones of dishonesty

I turn into a path of blood

Stomped on all the time

Trying to get across

the bridges inside me

 

Let me fly away

All I find are grey sky days

 

I’m just not your cup of tea

But I’m boiling

Spilling over with each word

Said to my face or overheard

They say syllables hurt worse than the sword

I say the pen is running out of ink

I’ve run out of thoughts to think

Went like water down the bathroom sink

I’m stuck in Earth’s rotation

 

Or maybe it’s yours

 

It’s afternoon on Tuesday

It’s raining on my head

You poured me out of your coffeepot

Sipped me up while I was hot

You took control while I stayed back

I didn’t want to cause a fight

Where you make sure you are right

Even when you guess wrong

That happens quite a lot

 

Let me fly away

All I find are grey sky days

 

I’m just not your cup of tea

But I’m boiling

Spilling over with each word

Said to my face or overheard

They say syllables hurt worse than the sword

I say the pen is running out of ink

I’ve run out of thoughts to think

Went like water down the bathroom sink

I’m stuck in Earth’s rotation

 

Or maybe it’s yours

 

Let me fly somewhere new

One where I’m allowed to be me

Not you

 

I’m just not your cup of tea

But I’m boiling

Spilling over with each word

Said to my face or overheard

They say syllables hurt worse than the sword

I say the pen is running out of ink

I’ve run out of thoughts to think

Went like water down the bathroom sink

I’m stuck in Earth’s rotation

 

Or maybe it’s yours
I’ll make it mine

My Biggest Fears: Failure and Success

I fight  everyday against myself. My brain is not happy with who I am, yet it is the one making me who I am. Life is a constant war, where one every five battles I win. Don’t get me wrong, there are times when I win four out of five, and everything is going well.

This does not mean that I don’t struggle throughout the battles. It is so hard. Yes, I have ammunition. I can self soothe by listening to music. I can deep breathe as long as I need to. This takes away the pain for a little bit. It always seems to come back at the most inconvenient times.

My parents have pointed out that when things are going well for me, my life falls apart. I thrive at college until my body breaks down. I get a job, and all hell breaks loose. There are many more examples of this.

I realize this pattern as well. I try to deny it, but I know it is true. I also know why. Success is a scary concept for me. When I am doing well, I worry that everything is going to fall down, and it does. I know that if I succeed, people are going to expect more of me, and I’ll have to live up to their expectations. This is a very real fear for me. I love getting good grades, or a good opportunity, but I feel pressured to do even more and be expected to be responsible. I hate responsibility, because I feel like I am going to fail.

That is another fear of mine. I am a big perfectionist. It started around second grade. I missed one question on a spelling test, and ending up going home due to an upset stomach caused by anxiety. It only got worse from there. I feel that if I fail, things will never be better, and I will be a failure. I fear I will be nothing.

Being a perfectionist has led to a lot more things than bad grades. I’ve given up on piano, guitar, and piano due to being told I’m good at it, and I then feel like I can’t do any better. This leads to my fears of failure and success. If I keep going, I’ll be expected to do more, and I am afraid I won’t be able to do it. I am told that I am really good, and I quit before I can get any better because I want to make sure the last memory I have is that I am good at it.Perfectionism has also led to body image issues as well. I’ve dealt with starving myself, vomiting up my food, and binging.  This is all because I was told I was fat a few times, and I decided I couldn’t be “perfect” unless I was skinnier. I exercised a lot, and participated in the negative eating behavior I mentioned above. I lost a lot of weight, and was told I looked good, so I kept losing more. I didn’t believe them. I was ugly. I was fat. I was a person who didn’t deserve love. These were all thoughts going on in my head, and they still do come sometimes. I haven’t participated in the behavior for around six months now. I think about going back every day, but i am learning how to control that aspect of myself.

Failure and success all come with life. I know this. I wish it didn’t sometimes, but other times I am glad. Well, I’m never glad with failure. I never will be. That is just who I am. However, with success, I am learning that it is okay with each day. Step by step, I am getting higher up on the success ladder. I have made many improvements. I’ve also had setbacks, which lead to the feelings of failure that haunt me. The path to success will not come without failure. Each failure is followed by ten successes, and might take a few steps back. To that I say:
YOU CAN’T STOP ME

Boat Labeled With “Paradise”

I am sitting here trying to write while my body doesn’t want to. My mind wants me to, because it is racing with ideas and wants me to write them all at the same time and then think of more ideas. I feel weak, but I want to move. It feels like I am a burden. Everything in my head is happening all at once, but reeeeaaaalllyyy slowly at times and then it jumps up to hyperspeed. My eyes are threatening to drop the dam holding the the waterfall at any second. I’m scared.

I fell asleep on the couch last night for three hours. I didn’t have any nightmares, so I figured I didn’t need my nightmare medicine, as it was a stress free sleep. I took my blood pressure, to see if it was high enough, just out of curiosity. I knew after sleeping, it would be low. It was 71/59,  which is not even close to where I can take the pill. I went to bed expecting to sleep well again.

That didn’t happen. I had this nightmare that felt like it lasted all night. I woke up several times, and figured it would be over, but it never was. There were people who have hurt me in the past running around trying to shoot sharp poles at me and my family and other random people from my past. We were in a preschool at one point and couldn’t get out. I remember I got shot right before I woke up. There was a lot more to it, but I either can’t remember or don’t want to talk about. It was the worst nightmare I’ve had in awhile. It actually made me thankful for the nights I can’t sleep at all.

It seems like my body is trying to kill me on it’s own. I don’t want to die. I know that. My brain might say it wants to, but it is lying. I have so much going for me right now. A loving family, a new job, a thriving blog, everything that should make me happy. It isn’t though. I mean, it is, but my body is threatening to shut down and I am chasing each piece of it furiously, before I fall apart. I know things will be okay, but right now, it feels like I will be the opposite, which is simply not okay.

Well, I wouldn’t call it simply.  “Not okay” is never simple. It is filled with pieces of self-hatred, fear, hopelessness, worthlessness, and pretty much every word that ends with       -lessness. My body is a scary place to live and my brain is a scary place to think.

Up and down at the same time. I am not in the middle, where the ocean is calm. I am pulled in half, with my top part in the down and my bottom part in the up. They switch every so often, and the transit each part rides to move to their locations is at the bottom of the ocean, going over a sea volcano ready to explode. After it explodes, I look up and see the newly created island I wish I could be in, away from the pain.

I don’t want to have both parts. I don’t even want one part, but when the fire freezes and the snow starts to melt, I know that double destruction is coming. Maybe sometime soon, I will learn how to climb out of the sea and onto the island.

I’ll sit under the palm trees, at least until the boat labeled with “Paradise”, takes me away into the horizon. Hopefully the horizon gives me the light to move forward, and not the fire to end it all.

Should Have Prayed

Before I was too old

Should’ve been asleep

My blood turned to frosty cold

Didn’t ask my soul to keep

 

Praying before bed

Is not something that I do

I think of what the Bible said

How I will be renewed

 

Then the whole room turned to black

Except for a single face

Red with horns on his ugly mask

That turned out not to be fake

 

He told me where I would be left

Down beneath the soil

Where fire burned like dragon’s breath

Water hot enough to boil

 

If I didn’t follow him there

He’d have me carried below

By the fallen angel who would take care

Of throwing me down low

 

I tried, oh God, I tried

Prayed up above to set me free

Apparently in hell nobody cries

The first would not be me

 

Then my eyes finally returned

The fog cleared from my head.

I had no marks from being burned

The devil freed me back to bed

 

I ran faster than my ruminating fears

Crying with pain in eyes

They asked me about  why I had tears

I told them it was my time

 

Told them all about the red

And big horns sticking out

Evil grin and what he said

How he took me so far down

 

I  couldn’t stop from freaking out

Until they said I was wrong

They listened to each of my shouts

They hugged until I calmed

 

As a little girl I was scared

That’s not normal for me to think

They told me they found nothing there

It was only a  scary dream

 

I know it wasn’t in my head

Not an image in my sleep

It wasn’t a late night thought in bed

I know he had talked to me

 

Maybe that’s why I am who I’ve been

First sign of losing touch

I’ve lost it several times since then

But not nearly this much

 

The older I get, the more I see

My brain doing flips

How common this happens to me

My mind playing its tricks

 

Fear will never hold me back

And if the devil decides

He wants to threaten to attack

The victory will be mine

Butterfingers

Sometimes
Things build up and get knocked down
Sometimes
I can’t hold on to the cliff
My hands slip off
and I look at the water below
Sometimes the world looks too tough
The dirt is frozen
And the shovel won’t go through
I try to hang on when it
gets too difficult
But sometimes I
go over the edge
My fingertips are slathered
in the butter that fills me with self-hatred
And fear
Fear is a lion
threatens to swallow me whole
bares its teeth and looks me in the eye
I run in every direction
but he’s always there
And I can’t get free
Sometimes
The world is too much
But I stand strong
And bury my feet-
just my feet-
in the ground and
stand
up
tall

Someday

Won’t you tell me
When peace will come
When will war be over
When will pain be done
The world is in shambles
The ending seems near
Why should we keep on listening
When there is nothing good to hear
The news is filled with nonsense
Everybody is in pain
One way or another it affects us all
And it’s driving us insane
One shooting after another
What president will we choose
Let it be known that whatever happens
We all are bound to lose
Lose happiness when hate takes over
Lose hope over days filled with fear
Lose patience with those around us
Lose sleep over those we hold dear
Somehow or another we need change
We need to make things right
Or the world will dig itself deeper
And we’ll all be buried alive
Let us out of this hole safely
Somebody will find a way
We need all the faith we can gather
Maybe, we’ll have this someday

Charcoal

Note: This is not how I am feeling right now at all. I just had an idea and went with it. Do not worry for me, I am better than ever!

These nightmares fill my brain

Swirl around make me insane

Kills me with each REM

These alpha waves are not my friend

Each creature that disturbs my sleep

Is supposed to die with the clock’s beep

But it stays with me throughout the day

I can’t make these dreams go away

 

I live to love, but I don’t love to live

Want to share my hope, but there’s none to give

Every waking hour fills me with dread

To be alive is to have an empty head

To have an empty head is to have an empty heart

A heart doesn’t beat when it won’t even start

Keep me in your thoughts while I turn to dust

I’ll stay on the ground until my screws start to rust

 

And I hate the mirror staring back at me

A reflection of everything I don’t want to be

I try to grin to wipe away the hate

But with every blink, my face changes shape

One minute I’m a thief stealing conversation

I don’t deserve my own conservation

People talk but I drown them out

With my own thoughts of hate and self doubt

 

So I’ll try to sleep, but the monsters will come

The other shape I take is that of no one

Rub the charcoal to blur out my eyes

So I can’t see my whole life flashing by

Everyone is a rainbow but I am just gray

A pencil outlines each word that I say

A drawing and nothing more that has come to life

All I can hope is this is just “good night”