I have a hard time making friends. It takes me a long time to figure out how to start off a friendship and decide if a person has good intentions. It’s a long process and doesn’t always end up the way I want it too.
I also have a hard time keeping friends. Whenever something upsetting goes on in my life, I tend to drop the people who I was friends with at the time. I don’t always mean to do it. Sometimes, I just drift away from them. Other times, it is too painful to go back and see what it was like before everything fell down.
Sometimes, it’s not me doing the dropping. It’s both of us. We lose contact, or just stop talking. It seems like whenever I make a friend, we stop talking to each other, and neither of us attempt to pick the conversation back up.
I’ve had friends who are not truly friends. I don’t know how to pick up on a person’s true intentions and feel like I have a friend. It makes me so happy to have a connection, but the other person is a parasite, sucking on my happiness and naivety to gain more power over me.
It’s a sad feeling. I spend many days feeling lonely, some worse than others. There are days I find something in my room, or see something on TV that will bring back memories of certain friends. Maybe it’s a picture of us, or a note from them, or even just listening to a song we both liked. I feel a sheer cloak over me, with me trying to hide under it, but the memories still break through the cloth. Even my therapist tells me she is sad for me. That’s how you know you are truly feeling bad.
Now that I am home all of the time, I don’t spend time with people who aren’t my family. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family more than anything. They are the reason I am still sitting here today. However, I wish that I could be around somebody that was not related to me, but still felt like they were.
Recently, a few of my recent blogs have mentioned my obsession with Deadpool (read https://notmydisabilities.com/2016/06/16/obsession-with-the-pool-guy/ ). This is still going on. I am getting sucked more and more into the franchise. I own several comics, three shirts, and the movie. Wade W. Wilson has become more than a character in a movie to me. After watching the movie for the 18th time today, and reading some of my Deadpool Firsts book, I feel more of a connection to every character.
When I am down, I watch the movie. When I am happy, I watch the movie. All I have to do it go to my Google Play tab on my computer and turn it on. It makes me laugh. Every character has their funny moments, even the true villains. When I am watching it, I know what they are going to say and what is going to come next. It is the only predictable and stable part of my life right now. Even when the loneliness strikes, I know the whole gang is ready to let me into their part of the universe.
I can quote quite a bit of the movie, and the script has entered my daily vernacular. Almost everything that is said can be answered or related to a line from the movie/comic book. I pour over the comics, trying to find the differences and similarities between them and the movie, and comment on it out loud as if other people cared. I know people don’t care about my references, but I keep on going. It’s like I am with a friend who I’ve known for so long that some of our speech has slipped into mine.
I relate to Deadpool’s alias Wade Wilson. Of course, I’m not going around and killing people,but we both know pain. He had a rough childhood, a cancer diagnosis, and a wrinkled face, and has gone on to hurt people. I didn’t have a rough childhood, but I have had a rough time in my teenage years. However, I inflicted the hurt on myself, while he chose to take it out on others. We chose to turn our pain outward. He also chose to help people with his merc job, which I could have done as well. We both have scarred hearts. While he is a mercenary, and I am just a typical 19 year old, we have more in common than I ever thought we would.
I plan to work on my lack of social skills and friend-making. However, until then, I will follow my favorite anti-hero and comfort myself with my favorite Marvel creation.