Radio Station

Push me up against the wall

I’m already shoved enough

My face is black and blue

From numbness

And distress

 

My heart is through

Of knowing about you

 

Tell me that I’m number one

Then go on to just you having fun

I’m sick of this situation

I’ve decided that I am done

This is no longer your nation

I’m here to cut off your favorite song

I’m turning off your radio station

 

I might as well explode

Into bits of broken trust

You tried to break me

But I’ve been stitching up

This has been more than enough

 

My heart is done

My friendship went from you to none

 

Tell me that I’m number one

Then go on to just you having fun

I’m sick of this situation

I’ve decided that I am done

This is no longer your nation

I’m here to cut off your favorite song

I’m turning off your radio station

 

My stereo won’t speak your name

The TV won’t showcase your game

Your phone calls will not go through

Now no one else can get hurt by you

 

Tell me that I’m number one

Then go on to just you having fun

I’m sick of this situation

I’ve decided that I am done

This is no longer your nation

I’m here to cut off your favorite song

I’m turning off your radio station

 

I’m turning off your radio station

You’re ready for permanent vacation

I hope you find it good and well

Have fun burning up in Hell

Helium

When the wind picks up

And the rain hits the ground

A flood up to your ankles

Weights dragging you down

 

When the lights flickers black

And the candle is blown out

No one can hear you

No matter how loud you shout

 

I’ll be your helium

Lift you up to the sky

I’ll bring you to the safe land

So you can say goodbye

 

Goodbye to your past

Goodbye to the hate

Goodbye to the promises

Others seemed to make

 

You’re a cloudy cup of water

I’ll make you brand new

But the one you need to follow

Is the light inside of you

 

You’re powerful enough

To life the boulder off

I’ll be there to help

There’s no need to stop

 

Don’t let go of the handle

Keep the pedals fast

I’ll hold on until you can

Go riding down a path

 

The path on your way to freedom

Where I’ll be by your side

You’ll be able to keep going

You’ll keep your faith alive

 

Go on down

The golden road

I’ll meet you at the other end

But you’ll get there on your own

Grey Sky Days

You led me into your kingdom

Built of convoluted lies

Let me get trapped underneath

The stones of dishonesty

I turn into a path of blood

Stomped on all the time

Trying to get across

the bridges inside me

 

Let me fly away

All I find are grey sky days

 

I’m just not your cup of tea

But I’m boiling

Spilling over with each word

Said to my face or overheard

They say syllables hurt worse than the sword

I say the pen is running out of ink

I’ve run out of thoughts to think

Went like water down the bathroom sink

I’m stuck in Earth’s rotation

 

Or maybe it’s yours

 

It’s afternoon on Tuesday

It’s raining on my head

You poured me out of your coffeepot

Sipped me up while I was hot

You took control while I stayed back

I didn’t want to cause a fight

Where you make sure you are right

Even when you guess wrong

That happens quite a lot

 

Let me fly away

All I find are grey sky days

 

I’m just not your cup of tea

But I’m boiling

Spilling over with each word

Said to my face or overheard

They say syllables hurt worse than the sword

I say the pen is running out of ink

I’ve run out of thoughts to think

Went like water down the bathroom sink

I’m stuck in Earth’s rotation

 

Or maybe it’s yours

 

Let me fly somewhere new

One where I’m allowed to be me

Not you

 

I’m just not your cup of tea

But I’m boiling

Spilling over with each word

Said to my face or overheard

They say syllables hurt worse than the sword

I say the pen is running out of ink

I’ve run out of thoughts to think

Went like water down the bathroom sink

I’m stuck in Earth’s rotation

 

Or maybe it’s yours
I’ll make it mine

All Because Of You

We mourn the remembrance

Of those we’ve left behind

Our memories, tainted by

The hurt they inflicted on our dreams

Sucking them into an inferno  

Changing them into terrors of the dark

We left for good reason

Our hearts still ache

All we have is nothing

They stole our sanity

Pulled it down a concrete path

Scraping up our pleasant thoughts

All that is left is them and their mind tricks

Telling us fake facts

That we are worthless

Without them

We are useless

No one wants us

I’d rather drink a vase of cyanide

Than relive the times you pushed me down

I let you

I let you drag me down the road to breakdowns

Breakdown I did

All because of you

Soul

Follow me to the river

Where I will drown my soul

So no one can ever see it

And I will be alone

 

No more screaming voices

Ringing in my ears

Some day soon I’ll get there

It’s been years and years

 

Water soaks into me

I threw myself instead

My soul has been released

My heart’s empty as my head

 

Nobody will miss it

I never used it at all

My fate was taken from me

When I was four feet tall

 

Maybe my soul already left

Change the time on the clock

Spin back hands on it and me

I put up a lock

 

Every person that walks by

Look for one full piece

I’ll tell them that it broke apart

When I was no longer me

 

Time goes by and passes

But I never move forth

I won’t forget the people

Who tore up my self worth

 

My soul is not my body

No matter where they meet

They never will be my friends

My soul is theirs to eat

 

I will try to move forward

I’ll try to drop this skin

The one forced upon me

When I tried to let them in

 

All I wanted was friendship

To build up the fragile vase

They all took it too far

Ripped me like I was lace

 

My soul stops me from drowning

So we can gain control

Become one as one again

I’ll make peace with my soul

When A Movie Is Your Best Friend

I have a hard time making friends. It takes me a long time to figure out how to start off a friendship and decide if a person has good intentions. It’s a long process and doesn’t always end up the way I want it too.

I also have a hard time keeping friends. Whenever something upsetting goes on in my life, I tend to drop the people who I was friends with at the time. I don’t always mean to do it. Sometimes, I just drift away from them. Other times, it is too painful to go back and see what it was like before everything fell down.

Sometimes, it’s not me doing the dropping. It’s both of us. We lose contact, or just stop talking. It seems like whenever I make a friend, we stop talking to each other, and neither of us attempt to pick the conversation back up.

I’ve had friends who are not truly friends. I don’t know how to pick up on a person’s true intentions and feel like I have a friend. It makes me so happy to have a connection, but the other person is a parasite, sucking on my happiness and naivety to gain more power over me.

It’s a sad feeling. I spend many days feeling lonely, some worse than others. There are days I find something in my room, or see something on TV that will bring back memories of certain friends. Maybe it’s a picture of us, or a note from them, or even just listening to a song we both liked. I feel a sheer cloak over me, with me trying to hide under it, but the memories still break through the cloth. Even my therapist tells me she is sad for me. That’s how you know you are truly feeling bad.

Now that I am home all of the time, I don’t spend time with people who aren’t my family. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family more than anything. They are the reason I am still sitting  here today. However, I wish that I could be around somebody that was not related to me, but still felt like they were.

Recently, a few of my recent blogs have mentioned my obsession with Deadpool (read https://notmydisabilities.com/2016/06/16/obsession-with-the-pool-guy/ ). This is still going on. I am getting sucked more and more into the franchise. I own several comics, three shirts, and the movie. Wade W. Wilson has become more than a character in a movie to me. After watching the movie for the 18th time today, and reading some of my Deadpool Firsts book, I feel more of a connection to every character.

When I am down, I watch the movie. When I am happy, I watch the movie. All I have to do it go to my Google Play tab on my computer and turn it on. It makes me laugh. Every character has their funny moments, even the true villains. When I am watching it, I know what they are going to say and what is going to come next. It is the only predictable and stable part of my life right now. Even when the loneliness strikes, I know the whole gang is ready to let me into their part of the universe.

I can quote quite a bit of the movie, and the script has entered my daily vernacular. Almost everything that is said can be answered or related to a line from the movie/comic book. I pour over the comics, trying to find the differences and similarities between them and the movie, and comment on it out loud as if other people cared. I know people don’t care about my references, but I keep on going. It’s like I am with a friend who I’ve known for so long that some of our speech has slipped into mine.

I relate to Deadpool’s alias Wade Wilson. Of course, I’m not going around and killing people,but we both know pain. He had a rough childhood, a cancer diagnosis, and a wrinkled face, and has gone on to hurt people. I didn’t have a rough childhood, but I have had a rough time in my teenage years. However, I inflicted the hurt on myself, while he chose to take it out on others. We chose to turn our pain outward. He also chose to help people with his merc job, which I could have done as well. We both have scarred hearts. While he is a mercenary, and I am just a typical 19 year old, we have more in common than I ever thought we would.

I plan to work on my lack of social skills and friend-making. However, until then, I will follow my favorite anti-hero and comfort myself with my favorite Marvel creation.

Maximum Effort

One

As survivors, we are one

A team that gets what has been done

There are some things we want to forget

We might not be over them quite yet

 

Who cares if we’re unique

We all have goals and strengths

Different means we struggle some

We also know how to help someone

 

Difficulties by a truckload

As we start to overload

Do things to help ourselves

Yet also reach for someone else

 

Miles and miles away from our teams

We are still here when we’re in need

If we need smiles, look in the glass

We all need help, just need to ask

 

Here for one, here for all

We’re here for victories and also falls

Raise us up, set us down slow

Not ‘till we’re ready to go go and go

 

Hope flows through and confirms

We are brave and weather the storms

When one’s down, we help them stand

Then when we fall, they help us plan

 

Truth is told and so is pain

Our lives might be hard to explain

Our minds might be twisted, but we are not done

We keep going ‘til we’re all number one

 

Nothing More- Alternate Roots