There’s one part of my disorders that I don’t talk about in detail very much. It is one of the most difficult parts of bipolar disorder. Hallucinations are this scary part that a lot of people have, but nobody talks about.
I’ve had visual, auditory, and olfactory hallucinations for years. In other words, I see, hear, taste, and smell things that are not actually real. They seem very real to me, until it passes away quickly, or someone gives me an explanation for what the trigger is. I don’t know if they are right or are just trying to comfort me.
I remember when the hallucinations started. I was in second grade and I kept hearing this sound I described as two pieces of paper rubbing together. I kept rubbing my ears and asking my teacher to make it stop. She sent a note home to my family, but nothing changed after that. It kept getting worse up through my first hospitalization,and is still bad today at times. I have times where it is better, but it always seems to come back.
I normally see people. They are bad people who were sent by the government to kill me. They freak me out. I often feel like the government is watching me. I’ve been assured that it is just a hallucination or paranoia, but I still believe most of the time that I am going to be hurt by the government. The people either come n black shadow, white shadow, or a flesh and bones person.
I hear my name being called and people telling me I’m being watched. They also tell me to hurt myself a lot of the time. I hear my name being either softly whispered or screamed at least three times a day. I also hear my family screaming at me, as if they need help. It’s why I ask my family if they are alright a lot.
Taste and smell go together. Cat litter and garbage or the things I sense the most, even when we are out somewhere and nowhere near those items. I also smell random scents at times that don’t fit the context of where we are.
I hate them for many reasons, but one such reason is that I never know if my reality is the same as someone else’s reality. I have days where I wonder if my life is not real and I am living inside someones imagination, or my own head in a coma. I sometimes wonder if I actually said what I thought I did, or if something else came out. There are times I wish I didn’t live because of these sensations, and others where I think I am already dead and in some other world. It’s really confusing, and I don’t need any more confusion in my life.
It is so hard to deal with the false truths I am challenged with every day. Last night at my mother’s birthday dinner, I had already had a meltdown during dinner, but then I had a really bad, what I guess what was a, hallucination or a white person flying around. My dad said there was nothing there, but I still am not sure if it as fake or a ghost person. Sometimes I wonder if I am someone special who can see things others don’t, and other times I think I am losing it, or I am completely right and they are real.
Hallucinations can either be terrifying or funny, but mostly the former. I wish I didn’t have them, but after nearly every antipsychotic medicine out there, I don’t know what it going to help. I’m working on telling myself they aren’t real. I sleep with a face mask most nights so I won’t see my room and everything that pops up at night. I reassure myself and try to calm down. It works sometimes. It is scary. I’m not going to deny that at all. I’m also not going to say that I can beat this on my own. With medicine increases, therapy, and family support, I can work on getting out of this shell I call my sick brain.