Hallucinations and Why They’re Hard

There’s one part of my disorders that I don’t talk about in detail very much. It is one of the most difficult parts of bipolar disorder. Hallucinations are this scary part that a lot of people have, but nobody talks about.

I’ve had visual, auditory, and olfactory hallucinations for years. In other words, I see, hear, taste, and smell things that are not actually real. They seem very real to me, until it passes away quickly, or someone gives me an explanation for what the trigger is. I don’t know if they are right or are just trying to comfort me.

I remember when the hallucinations started. I was in second grade and I kept hearing this sound I described as two pieces of paper rubbing together. I kept rubbing my ears and asking my teacher to make it stop. She sent a note home to my family, but nothing changed after that. It kept getting worse up through my first hospitalization,and is still bad today at times. I have times where it is better, but it always seems to come back.

I normally see people. They are bad people who were sent by the government to kill me. They freak me out. I often feel like the  government is watching me. I’ve been assured that it is just a hallucination or paranoia, but I still believe most of the time that I am going to be hurt by the government. The people either come n black shadow, white shadow, or a flesh and bones person.

I hear my name being called and people telling me I’m being watched. They also tell me to hurt myself a lot of the time. I hear my name being either softly whispered or screamed at least three times a day. I also hear my family screaming at me, as if they need help. It’s why I ask my family if they are alright a lot.

Taste and smell go together. Cat litter and garbage or the things I sense the most, even when we are out somewhere and nowhere near those items. I also smell random scents at times that don’t fit the context of where we are.

I hate them for many reasons, but one such reason is that I never know if my reality is the same as someone else’s reality. I have days where I wonder if my life is not real and I am living inside someones imagination, or my own head in a coma. I sometimes wonder if I actually said what I thought I did, or if something else came out. There are times I wish I didn’t live because of these sensations, and others where I think I am already dead and in some other world. It’s really confusing, and I don’t need any more confusion in my life.

It is so hard to deal with the false truths I am challenged with every day. Last night at my mother’s birthday dinner, I had already had a meltdown during dinner, but then I had a really bad, what I guess what was a, hallucination or a white person flying around. My dad said there was nothing there, but I still am not sure if it as fake or a ghost person. Sometimes I wonder if I am someone special who can see things others don’t, and other times I think I am losing it, or I am completely right and they are real.

Hallucinations can either be terrifying or funny, but mostly the former. I wish I didn’t have them, but after nearly every antipsychotic medicine out there, I don’t know what it going to help. I’m working on telling myself they aren’t real. I sleep with a face mask most nights so I won’t see my room and everything that pops up at night. I reassure myself and try to calm down. It works sometimes. It is scary. I’m not going to deny that at all. I’m also not going to say that I can beat this on my own. With medicine increases, therapy, and family support, I can work on getting out of this shell I call my sick brain.

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Should Have Prayed

Before I was too old

Should’ve been asleep

My blood turned to frosty cold

Didn’t ask my soul to keep

 

Praying before bed

Is not something that I do

I think of what the Bible said

How I will be renewed

 

Then the whole room turned to black

Except for a single face

Red with horns on his ugly mask

That turned out not to be fake

 

He told me where I would be left

Down beneath the soil

Where fire burned like dragon’s breath

Water hot enough to boil

 

If I didn’t follow him there

He’d have me carried below

By the fallen angel who would take care

Of throwing me down low

 

I tried, oh God, I tried

Prayed up above to set me free

Apparently in hell nobody cries

The first would not be me

 

Then my eyes finally returned

The fog cleared from my head.

I had no marks from being burned

The devil freed me back to bed

 

I ran faster than my ruminating fears

Crying with pain in eyes

They asked me about  why I had tears

I told them it was my time

 

Told them all about the red

And big horns sticking out

Evil grin and what he said

How he took me so far down

 

I  couldn’t stop from freaking out

Until they said I was wrong

They listened to each of my shouts

They hugged until I calmed

 

As a little girl I was scared

That’s not normal for me to think

They told me they found nothing there

It was only a  scary dream

 

I know it wasn’t in my head

Not an image in my sleep

It wasn’t a late night thought in bed

I know he had talked to me

 

Maybe that’s why I am who I’ve been

First sign of losing touch

I’ve lost it several times since then

But not nearly this much

 

The older I get, the more I see

My brain doing flips

How common this happens to me

My mind playing its tricks

 

Fear will never hold me back

And if the devil decides

He wants to threaten to attack

The victory will be mine

Is It Real Or Did I Lose It Again?

Snakes are crawling through the dirt

Catching my eye, but not my skin

I look down at the grass and think

Is this real or did I lose it again?

 

Cats come in my room at night

I ask them where they had been

They disappear with one eye blink

Is this real or did I lose it again?

 

See people around while I freak out

Are they human? Are they my friends?

I try to avoid their ghostly  chatter

Is this real or did I lose it again?

 

The bathroom is filled with colored light

I wish I could see if I’m playing pretend

Then the oranges and greens play along

Is this real or  did I lose it again?

 

White shadows keep me up

While the night never ends

I stay awake for hours

Is this real or did I lose it again?

 

Every moment I’m stable

Of course I never win

Am I seeing things not real?

I guess that I have lost it again