You Might Think I’m Talking

Touch me

Tell me that you want me

Tell me that you need me

Before I fall again

 

The fire

Burning with desire

This road keeps getting higher

And I’m all in

 

You might think i’m talking

About love, but I’m not

It’s pain that has been caught

And I can’t set it free

The fire represents

The burning of incense

That brings me above

That brings me above

 

I’ll tell you

Everything about you

I’m not just me,  I’m you

We match inside

 

The storm clouds

Cover up my eyebrows

Threatening to fall down

Into my eyes

 

You might think I’m talking

About hate, but I’m not

It’s a pain that has been caught

And I can’t set it free

The storms clouds represent

My hope in the distance

That  brings me down low

That brings me down low

 

So let me get on your shoulders

So I can see above the flickering flames

Filling me up with desire to get rid,

But I am the one to blame

Now drop me down to the floor

I’m close enough already, falling down far

You all make my life into hell

You can’t see the hurt, there’s no scars

 

While I’m looking up at the stars

Wondering

 

You might think I’m talking

About messed up love

And this time that fits like a glove

This love affair I’m in

Makes me spin in circles

Makes my vision purple

That brings me up high

That brings me down low

 

That brings me up high

That brings me down low

 

I’ll say goodbye

It’s the end of my show

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Build Myself Up

 

School is starting and college students are about to move in. People are doing big things with their life. New beginnings mean a brand new perspective on where their lives are going to go and where they’ll end up.

I’m working on a house made of Legos.

I am at the age where I should be a sophomore in college. At this point last year, I was super excited to move into my dorm and adjust to living away from home. Sure, home was 10 minutes away, but I was still going to be away. The longest I had stayed away from home before was the nine months I was in residential treatment three hours away. This was completely different. This was supposed to be a time in my life where I was growing more mature and having the time of my life. That however didn’t happen.

After being hospitalized once in the first month of classes, and another time a few weeks into second semester, I knew I couldn’t go back to school. My doctors and parents agreed, and I was put on sick leave. My professors didn’t realize I was and kept giving me bad grades until my adviser told them. She sent me an email so we could talk about my failing grades that I earned when I wasn’t there. I told her that I was not going to be at school, and she finally notified my professors. I was told that i could come back this coming year if I wanted to.

After two more hospitalizations after getting out of school, I am now at home and looking for things to do. These things have included volunteering, getting a job, losing a job, and having many problems with my mental health and Asperger’s. I have been up and down. My obsessions have gotten deeper. It started with Deadpool, and now it’s on to Legos.

I’ve spent hours most days in the last few weeks working on my Legos. Each kit I build, I feel like I have control over something in my life. I have built several sets. I also bought a box of just Legos with no directions. I decided to build a house with those pieces.

As I build the house, I build myself back up. I make my brain stronger. I am able to focus, sometimes hours, sometimes minutes. It’s still more than I can most of the time. It is giving me a sense of purpose. When my family tells me how good my creations are, or tell me I’m creative, it helps me realize that I actually have a talent. I feel good about myself, even if it’s just for a few moments. When I feel low, I can put down a foundation of a new creation to create a foundation for happiness. When I’m high, I stack my racing thoughts as I stack the bricks to form a tower that fails to break down. When I’m just in the middle, I sort the bricks into their right containers to help me sort out my own emotions. Bricks can be my strength when I can’t feel strong myself.

So far, the house has a sofa, table, lamp, sink, bathtub, sink, toilet, bed, stove, and dresser. There is plenty more to come. As I put it together, I put myself together.

Until I’m stronger, I’ll keep on building. I’ll find level ground, put one brick down, and stack. I’ll stack and I’ll stack until I am okay. That could be tomorrow, that could be next year. Whenever it is, I know the blocks will stand tall for me.

Why It’s Hard To Treat Bipolar and Asperger’s

It was recommended to me that I write a post about how Asperger’s syndrome and Bipolar Disorder van be comorbid. As a person who lives with both, I couldn’t pass up this idea.

To tell the truth, I didn’t really know how the two connected. I’ve done some research, but not enough to remember what I read. After this person asked me about the two’s connections, I just had to look it up.

According to Merriam-Webster’s site, here are definitions for both Asperger’s and bipolar

Asperger’s Syndrome- a developmental disorder resembling autism that is characterized by impaired social interaction, by restricted and repetitive behaviors and activities, and by normal language and cognitive development —called also Asperger’s disorder

Bipolar Disorder-  any of several psychological disorders of mood characterized usually by alternating episodes of depression and mania —called also manic depression, manic-depressive illness

These might not sound like they have much in common, but there is much more to it than a simple definition.

My psychiatrist told me the appointment after I got diagnosed with Asperger’s that bipolar disorder and Asperger’s is one of the most difficult combination of disorders to treat. He didn’t explain much after that, but after some research I found out why. Asperger’s and bipolar have many overlapping features. People with Asperger’s can have suicidal ideation, anxiety, and poor social functioning amongst other symptoms. This can lead to diagnoses of schizophrenia, anxiety, or bipolar. I live with Asperger’s, but bipolar is in the mix as well. My doctor often says my problems are caused by my bipolar. He has never said that I am having problems with my Asperger’s. I believe he is untrained in the autism field, but he is often right about what mood state I am in. I’m not sure myself if it is my bipolar disorder or Asperger’s causing the problem.

 

Bipolar can start out in childhood along with Asperger’s, and it often comes out with other disorders, sometimes misdiagnosed. I have been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, OCD, borderline personality disorder, childhood schizophrenia, and schizoaffective disorder. These were all taken away at some point and were replaced with Bipolar 1 (mania and depression, as opposed to hypomania and depression which is bipolar 2) and Asperger’s. Schizoaffective disorder, which is basically schizophrenia and bipolar together, was the reason I was asked to get tested for Asperger’s due to the same features, such as poor social skills and other symptoms they share.  After I got diagnosed with Asperger’s, I was told to watch out for Schizophrenia as I age, but bipolar has stayed. The many diagnoses came from the two being so hard to diagnose, especially together.

Another symptom that is often misinterpreted between bipolar and Asperger’s is thoughts of grandiosity and unusual thoughts. In bipolar, grandiosity is the thought that one is superior and can do anything, such as write the Great American Novel in two weeks. People with Asperger’s might believe they can be liked by everyone or make everyone stop being mean to them. These are not grandiose, but can be seen as extreme thoughts.

Sensory issues can also come with the two. Asperger’s is known for this symptom, but during a manic episode, the senses can be heightened. Light and loud sounds can be difficult. Even a light touch can set someone, either bipolar, Asperger’s, or both off. I experience this mainly because of Asperger’s, but it is very clear that it is worse during mania and meltdowns occur much more often.

This was not found in my research, but I believe that both mania and depression have things in common with Asperger’s.  For mania, a person might obsess over their ideas more. Our minds race more both in mania and Asperger’s. Asperger’s tends to contain obsessions that take up life. A person in mania will also obsess, but it can go to a dangerous level and lead to dangerous activities. Both hyperfocus on one or a couple of things. In comparison, depression and Asperger’s have lack of social skills and lack of concentration, I have an extremely hard time concentrating all the time, but when depression hits, I know I will in no way be able to concentrate.

As I did research, I realized why it is hard for doctors to diagnose and treat both Asperger’s and bipolar. I have a hard time figuring out the differences myself, and I’m living the symptoms. Hopefully doctors start having an easier time so patients can get the proper treatment. I’m still hoping for the proper treatment. Bipolar and Asperger’s are tough to treat, but they are also hard to beat. Dealing with it is tough, but with proper medical care, hopefully relief will be found soon.

https://cpementalhealth.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/1745-0179-4-2

 

http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/major-depression
https://www.semel.ucla.edu/champ/blog/dmiklowitzuclaedu/mania-vs-aspergers

Mania: The Sequel

As I sit here writing this, my body is trying to make me stop. I keep having to move, which makes it hard to write. My brain is spinning too fast`for me to actually put words together, and the only way I am able to click the keyboard is by listening to music and rocking my head back and forth. Maybe I’m moving my head to stop the thoughts and let them fall out in easy to read sentences with typos that are taking too much concentration to fix but I found a way to do it. It’s been getting this way for the past week and a half, and I didn’t even notice.

Sure, I wondered a little bit, but I just assumed it was excitement, not mania, that was winding me up. I just started a new job and absolutely  love it. My schedule had 20 hours for the week. I thought that was no big deal, and I still don’t believe it was stressful. I got to do my favorite thing for those 20 hours. Well, for 15 hours. The other five, I was running the registration table. This went surprisingly well also, as I was very energetic and able to talk to people a lot. I held full blown conversations with people. Apparently this is because I am almost full blown manic, at least according to several people.

After having two amazing four hour shifts, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. I was jittery and talking quite a bit to him, when he asked me how my sleeping was. My response was that It was good, but it took me a while to fall asleep and I woke up several times during the night. He told me that it didn’t sound like I was sleeping well and he thought I was a little manic. I tried to tell him it was just excitement, but he told me that it was mania and stuck by it.

I went on with my other two shifts at work as bubbly as ever. I guess I should have realized that I am normally not that outgoing, especially at the registration table as stated earlier. It felt like I had more strength and self confidence in myself, because I pushed myself hard. I carried stacks of books way heavier than I normally could have,and also helped carry tables down and up the stairs, which I am not normally cut out for. I worked before and after my shift, even though I didn’t put it on my timesheet, and was not expected or desired to. I actually had to have the librarians tell me to leave when I could have gone on seven more hours.

My parents got home from vacation yesterday, and I was so excited to see them. We went out to eat with my one set of grandparents to celebrate Father’s Day and my grandfather’s birthday.  It was fun, but I wasn’t very hungry. I ate what I could and took the rest home (ate the rest for lunch today). When we got home, I wanted to listen to my iPod. I couldn’t find it, and we looked everywhere. My grandparent’s car and house, our house, the driveway, and my dad even called the restaurant we ate at. It is gone. I was really upset about this. That must have tipped things off, because I had another emotional breakdown last night. I was walking somewhere in the house, and doubled over crying. My dad came out, and we all sat on the couch while I went between deep breathing, sobbing, and attempting to get words out. Then I had an impulse to stand up and bang on my head. I had no strength to control the impulse. It made my parents pretty upset, which led to me saying “I’m sorry” over and over again.

My parents told me they had seen the symptoms of mania for a while. Once again, I said it was just excitement. We agreed that the job was good for me, but it was stressful for somebody who doesn’t know what is going to happen at any given moment. Who knows? Maybe I’ll break down at the library. I could also never have an episode there. Life hasn’t exactly been going in a straight line lately.

I had therapy today. The first question she asked me was the typical “How have you been”. My answer was that it had been fine, but my parents and psychiatrist thought I was manic. She told me that it did not sound as if I was okay and asked me what made them think I was manic. I told her, and she told me that is sounded like classic mania. She has seen me depressed a whole lot more, and is not known for saying that I am in any state of bipolar. She also urged me to move my psychiatrist appointment earlier, another thing I have never heard her say. She said she didn’t want to see how things would be on Wednesday or Thursday before I go back to see the doctor on Friday.

I also told her how I had watched Deadpool 12 times since I bought the DVD. She said that it was strange behavior and was part of the mania. I didn’t expect her to say that, because I was sure it was Asperger’s. She compared it to how I was writing three posts a day when I had my first serious mania. My mind could only focus when I was doing one thing, which was once the writing, and now the movie.

When I got home from the appointment my body was tired,and I kept yawning , but I hadn’t been sleeping well. I tried to rest a little today to give my tired eyes and muscles a break, and got maybe 20 minutes in. I was back to my earlier self as soon as I woke up, and it has gotten worse as the night goes on.

I don’t know how tonight will be, and I don’t know how tomorrow’s psychiatrist appointment will go. All I know is that I feel good and bad at the same time, and I do not want this mania to end the same way it did last time. I’m scared, but I guess that’s part of the bipolar journey.

Mixed Episodes and Missed Games

I talk about my bipolar all of the time. People that know me or read my blog know that. Many of you might even know what it is like to deal with someone with it, or what it is like to go through it yourself.

If you have never felt what bipolar feels like, be thankful. If you don’t know what it feels, let me give you a look into how it is fighting with me today.

Bipolar is waking up excited to go to 2 games with your father that you have been waiting for all week.

Bipolar is getting dressed in your team’s shirt and getting ready for the day

Bipolar is realizing that you don’t have much energy and you’re struggling to think straight

Bipolar is breaking down in tears, so hard that you are choking and doubling over, because the tears are coming out so hard you can’t maintain a straight posture.

Bipolar is not being able to go to the game in fear of it happening again

Bipolar is watching the game on TV and trying to convince yourself that you don’t mind because at least you can see all the names of the players and listen to the commentary

Bipolar is either writing through commercials or missing the action

Bipolar is getting excited for something and it crashing down to the ground.

This is at least how my bipolar is dealing with me today. I am not sure exactly what I am feeling. It feels like a boulder of depression being burnt by the fire of mania. Then a mixture of acid rain, a mix of both, comes down and and ruins everything.

It is extremely scary to feel mania or depression by themselves.  Both at the same time feels like a monster.

The combination of mania and depression is terrifying. I’ve never felt anything quite like it. My mouth is moving quite a bit, with random thoughts that mean nothing. I have little motivation. I’ve been having trouble sleeping at night, but when it is time to wake up, I couldn’t be more tired. I feel like singing sometimes, and like the tears are almost out of their cage, and I need to restrain them.

I am in a mixed state. This means that I am not in good condition. This also means that I need to be in a good condition with everything happening in my life right now.

Episodes always come at the worst times. When I am about to go see Wicked, or when I am just starting college, or when my writing started getting popular. I need it to go away soon, and I don’t know how.
I just don’t know how.

Mania: Not For The Weak

Mania is a difficult part of bipolar disorder (what part isn’t difficult?). It makes you do things you normally wouldn’t. I don’t have severe mania, but I still struggle with it. I am in the manic stage right now. I have never had it this bad when I am outside of a hospital. I am really scared

 

I’m spinning around. And around. And around. This is not by my body, but in my head. My thoughts are spinning so fast. It is the reason I have been able to write so much this week. You all have only seen a bit of it. I have been submitting work to many magazines and websites. On one hand, I am productive, but on the other, I feel like I can’t stop. It feels like I need to keep on going to get the thoughts that never leave outside of my head.

 

My hands are shaking violently. I can barely type. Typos are happening with nearly every word because my hands hit the wrong key. I flap my hands to make it go away for a while. It then starts to hurt, so I stop, and the shaking starts again. It is not fun. At all.

 

A few days ago, I was not able to get any restful sleep. I’d fall asleep at 2:30 am, have nightmares and wake up a lot, and then am back up by 5:30 am. My doctor upped my dose of my sleeping pill , which is helping. Once again, my racing thoughts are the cause of this. Song lyrics and ideas for blogs run through my head over and over again.

 

When I am in mania, I see things. Figures, shadows, people, whatever. I see them and freak out.

If you haven’t experienced hallucinations, be extremely grateful.

 

Right now, mania is taking over my life. I am hoping upped doses and calming techniques will help stop it from being such a burden.
The thing is, I am the happiest I have ever been. Mania makes me happy and think I am the best person to have ever walked this earth. Why does the happiness have to come with the bad parts? I will never know until we understand mania more, but for now, I will take my calm down pill when necessary, keep writing blogs, and take care of myself.

Is It Alright?

Dancing might seem normal

Singing might seem right

But is it okay to always

Stay awake at night

 

Jumping might seem healthy

Twirling might seem good

But when the figures come about

Their worth’s not understood

 

Talking is a great thing

But not when it’s too much

When you’re too sensitive to things

Noises and touch

 

Mania is scary

When you take it in

It might seem like it is all fun

But it is not your friend