Mixed

Explosions of pleasure

collide with molecules of blacki

it takes me forward

then I go back

hands shake with vigor

eyes burn with tears

legs restless, in motion

oh so sensitive ears

able to sit down

not able to sit still

body goes on a whirlwind

but it isn’t a thrill

life is better than yesterday

not so sure about the next

up and down with the chemicals

that make this my brain’s best

therapy for five years

pills for that time too

need it to be working

ready to be through

this too shall pass, they say

my Tower of Terror mind

we’ll help you all the way

but this battle is mine

and mine

alone

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Anxiety

She sits in silence

Tries to keep me inside

But it shows in her shaking hands

And the scared look in her eyes

Doesn’t want me to come out

In fear that she’ll explode

But I come out and show my face

I’m all around like smoke

I fill the air with fear

She can’t breathe fast enough

In and out, she sucks me in

Then depletes her lungs

I can’t walk, I don’t have feet

But I am in her bones

Push her any way I want

Her thoughts become my own

I take over and take in

Everything she sees

I’ll twist and change it every way

So she can’t even think

When she starts to start anew

I stop right in her way

She can’t move when I’m around

So in a box she’ll stay

I love it when she cannot move

I like to see her cry

Turning light into madness

Is how I pass my time

She tries to stop me and calm down

Breathe in and count to four

But two can play at that game

I’ll take her up some more

There’s no way that she can stop

When I am in the lead

So watch out world, here comes the freak

Who has become just me

Chemicals and Matches

Sometimes, I want to end it. I want to undo the world, untie the knots in my brain. Make things better when I know that won’t happen. Change my past doings when I know its not possible.

Sometimes, I hate myself. My skin is my worst enemy. My heart is an evil force. My thoughts are both my best friend and biggest defeater.

Sometimes, I don’t want to do this. Going on would be harder than just going to live with the stars. The stars are beautiful. Why can’t I be the same?

Sometimes, I get scared. Make that all the time. Fear attacks me, swallows me in. I am one with the anxiety but it is slowly taking over.

Sometimes, I am dangerous. I am like chemicals and matches. If you mix up everything inside of me, I’ll explode. Boom. Crash. Die.

But….

Sometimes, I gain courage. I talk to someone new. Smile at a stranger. Decide to make myself happy.

Sometimes, I love myself. Looking in the mirror isn’t as bad. Clothes feel right. People’s eyes don’t bother me. If someone stares, I’ll think maybe they actually like me.

Sometimes, I take a new step. Jump outside of the world I have created for myself. Outer space isn’t such a bad place, when it makes you feel weightless.

Sometimes, I am not heavy. My shoulders are not dragged down. My face is not a constant straight line. There are no weights on my feet, telling me to stay put.

Sometime, I am me. I break the mirror showing me my flaws, and look out a window that shows me the good things. Beauty, love, and hope are present, and I am too.

Ctrl Alt Delete

I’m in a strange place right now. It is sort of a mix between depression and mania, but not on even ground. It is weird. At moments I am super high, while others I don’t know what to do. I’m hoping I figure this out, but until then, I am going to write.

These lyrics are a dramatization of how I am feeling. It is hard to feel like this when you want everything to be fine. Feeling like you are floating is the greatest, but the rock pulls you under. I hate it, but I know I’ll get out. Anyway, here is “Ctrl Alt Delete”.


Happiness

Not one of my friends

Want it to come so much it hurts

But instead I’m knocked down when loneliness lurks

It stays around and makes you want

To wipe your smile and leave its smirk

 

I don’t want to keep on going

If this is how life’s going to be

I’ll throw in the towel

So ctrl, alt, delete my mind

Make it erase so I don’t know I’m alive

Before, and now, and after this

I want to rewind and just forget

I want to get over it

I want to move on with my life

 

Nobody’s perfect

But I’m not even worth it

Not worth getting help

I look at myself

Try to figure out I how I messed up

It’s lack of hope, not lack of love

Well love’s one thing I’ve never felt

 

I roll in disaster

Destroy, don’t think about after

I don’t want to keep on going

If this is how life’s going to be

I’ll throw in the towel

So ctrl, alt, delete my mind

Make it erase so I don’t know I’m alive

Before, and now, and after this

I want to rewind and just forget

I want to get over it

I want to move on with my life

 

I’ll move on when I’m good and ready

Which may be way after you are

Let me go at my own pace

Recovery is a journey

Not a race

Ebb and Flow

Everything is flowing and going well. I have been thinking a lot about college. There are so many things I want to do, and it is hard to decide.I know I have time, but it is still a worthwhile subject to think about. I was talking to somebody about it, and they brought up a job to me that sounds interesting. It is called an Applied Behavioral Analyst. In this job you work with children, typically with autism, and help them with their behaviors and help their parents learn how to take care of their child. This may not be completely correct, but it is what I have gotten from online reading and conversation. Music journalism is still my number one choice, but working with children, particularly those with special needs, has always been a love of mine. I could major in psychology, get my masters degree, and be set. I could study something I love and get a good job. These are all good things.

These lyrics are about my mood changing. This is a subject I write about often, but it is a very real topic to me. Here is “Ebb and Flow”


This disease has gone to town

Building me up, then tearing me down

I didn’t ask for this, did I?

Then why does every day try to take

The life out of me

Well, I’m at my wake

Then I jump out of the coffin

This happens too often

Get me out of here alive

So I can change my past mistakes

So my body doesn’t have to make

Me change

 

I guess karma is a witch

Did things totally wrong

Guess that’s why I switch

Back and forth all day long

I go up and down

I’m an elevator

My hope is hellbound

Pain is my motivator

 

Sometimes I’m the iceberg

Sometimes the Titanic

Knocking things down when I hurt

I push and pull, I’m frantic

Then I’m broken down in two

My pieces drift apart

I’m the dirt under my shoe

The hole in ex-lovers’ hearts

 

I come in waves

Wash out to sea

Nobody can save

This pathetic person that is me

 

This disease has gone to town

Building me up, then tearing me down

I didn’t ask for this, did I?

Then why does every day try to take

The life out of me

Well, I’m at my wake

Then I jump out of the coffin

This happens too often

Get me out of here alive

So I can change my past mistakes

So my body doesn’t have to make

Me change

 

I need to change

This disease has gone to town

Building me up, then tearing me down

I didn’t ask for this, did I?

Then why does every day try to take

The life out of me

Well, I’m at my wake

Then I jump out of the coffin

This happens too often

Get me out of here alive

So I can change my past mistakes

So my body doesn’t have to make

Me change

 

Change the way my body goes

I have to deal with the ebbs and flows

Too hard, I’ll stop

I’ll back up, mess up a lot

These changes make a mess

They make me day and night

They make me mean and nice

But I’ll get out alive

I’ll make things up and go on with life

Pills

I haven’t posted in a couple days, but for good reasons. I have been busy, but one thing stands out. Writing about music is what I want to do, and I stumbled upon a website called Mind Equals Blown. They are a music website that I absolutely fell in love with the first time I visited. I have stalked it the last couple of days, and found out that they take applications for writers. The cool thing about this is that they accept high school students, which is pretty awesome. Here’s to hoping I get the position.

This poem is about the endless meds I have to take. I started writing it a while ago, but finished it yesterday. Here is “Pills”.


Pill after pill after pill

Making me better each day

It’s strange to think that chemicals

Change the wiring in my brain

 

The chemicals are what is wrong

The meds just add some more

Different, healthier ones

Some keep others from entering the door

 

It doesn’t make much since

I don’t see how it works

How one little tablet can

Change my entire world

 

If I quit swallowing them

My mood will swallow me

They keep me on the boat

Not drowning in the sea

 

Don’t like them, but I must

Take them every single day

If I want to act alive

And keep the pain away

Bipolar

Some days are not good, while others are the best ever. My day has been right in the middle of that, and I have been feeling very good lately. This song today is about the ups and downs that happen to some people, myself included. Mine are not quite as extreme as in these lyrics, but the idea is the same. Sometimes you can’t sleep and all you want to do is, well, everything. Other times, you just want to sleep and push away the world. Finding a happy medium can be difficult, but it is possible. I know that I go in and out of it on an unknown schedule, but I can handle it, and you can too. It stinks. It is the worst thing ever, but pushing through is all you can do. Here is my song of the day, titled “Bipolar”


 

I’ve been awake for days

Can’t sleep one wink

I don’t want to anyway

Too many dishes in the sink

Too many papers to be covered

With so many words and pictures

I’ve been reading hymns and scriptures

I’ve read everything else

Cleared off the shelf

 

I’m double the fear

I’m double the tears

Double the trouble that comes when I’m here

I’m double the manic

I’m double the panic

But the double that takes over

Is being bipolar

 

Finally I fall asleep

My mood sinks

I don’t wake up for years it seems

Don’t want to face reality

My mind doesn’t race

But it all goes to waste

All it does is hesitate

Thinks about the miserable

Leaves out all the wonderful

 

I’m double the fear

I’m double the tears

Double the trouble that comes when I’m here

I’m double the manic

I’m double the panic

But the double that takes over

Is being bipolar

 

Up, up, up, and away

Won’t be back down for several days

The down, down, down

My brain is blank, won’t make a sound

I cry, cry, cry

I try, try, try

To get back up

But it’s denied

I fly, fly, fly

Into the sky

Not there for long

Because then I fall

 

I’m double the fear

I’m double the tears

Double the trouble that comes when I’m here

I’m double the manic

I’m double the panic

But the double that takes over

Is being bipolar