High School Experience Part 2: Problems

Lovely way to come back to a school, but then it was SENIOR YEAR!!!!

My very few friends I had knew absolutely nothing that I had gone through before I became a “regular” senior in high school. They didn’t know why I needed to go to my special ed teacher, or as they thought, regular teacher, to “do some work”. They never knew why I left lunch early with tears in my eyes headed to the guidance office. They didn’t know that most of the days I went home early were because I couldn’t handle sitting in classes any more. People didn’t know that I had a card I could use to tell my teacher that I needed a break. That one is mostly because I crumpled it up, and told the teacher when I needed to go so I didn’t have to have my classmates see the card.

I sat with this one girl every day at lunch. Our conversations were always about books, or music, or another interesting topic.  I often had times in the conversation that seemed more like a monologue (completely my fault. I was terrible at conversations then as well)  that I could have shared my knowledge of mental health. I actually did that several times, but never through my own experiences.

Volunteering in the Exceptional Learner’s was one of my favorite things about high school. Even with the purely positive feelings I got from my time with the kids wasn’t enough to keep my mental illnesses in. There were several days I couldn’t bring myself to go. I’d often say that I was sick, sometimes going as far as to try to make myself sick so it wouldn’t be a full lie. I’d try to go back to the classroom I normally went to before I started working with the kids. It often led to me going to my special ed teacher or guidance counselor and making a fool of myself.

My mom is a teacher at the high school I graduated from. Some mornings, I would refuse to go to class, and my mom would try to make me go, because I needed my education. She was right, but I would have a panic attack, which would lead to me going to the teacher. Some mornings I went down the path of calming down before class. Other days, the path led me down the hallway armored with the teacher’s arm and tracing my steps with my tears. I spent full days in the guidance office sometimes, by getting my work and sitting at the table struggling to look at it, much less do it.

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Dirt On My Platter

Hi guys! It’s been a REALLY long time since I have written on here, but I am back. I thought I’d share a new poem with you all.

The pills

They take a toll on you

Make your head feel like a balloon

You walk

When they yell run

And you are finished before they are done

I don’t want this to be over

Cause it’s all I’ve ever known

But they tell me to go sober

And I can’t cut off from the cards I was thrown

 

Take me the end of the world

Watch me consider jumping over the edge

I’ll be right there at the ledge

And the world wants me to be dead

 

I’ve gone through the struggle

I’ve gone through the war

I’ve gone through hell twice

And I won’t anymore

The world’s on my platter

My life’s at my feet

But I step on my future

Dirt’s nothing to eat

 

 I run

Circles around the truth

Honesty is hiding behind a suit

Lies kill

Just like heroin

But no one thought to tell me it’s a sin

Drugs must be easier than

Hearing the monsters

And carving my skin

But drugs are just imposters.

 

They drown out the garbage

They will drown out accusers

But they drown out the future

And kill their abuser

 

I’ve gone through the struggle

I’ve gone through the war

I’ve gone through hell twice

And I won’t anymore

The world’s on my platter

My life’s at my feet

But I step on my future

Dirt’s nothing to eat

 

I want to end this once and for all

So no longer will I be the one who will fall

I’ll stand up straight, I’ll stand up tall

And My platter will be empty

Naked

The war between you and your mind

Becomes a war between you and the world

Water pours, but so does blood

Gunshots hurt, but so do words

Telling yourself that you are something

Doesn’t work

Because they tell you that you are trash

Sure, someone’s trash is someone else’s treasure

But there is nobody in the world

That can make you feel that yourself

You trip, you fall

Broken legs mean nothing

When you have a broken mind

A broken heart

A broken life

Everything hurts when your brain

Wants you dead

Pain comes out as tears

Tears come out as bloodshot eyes

Bloodshot eyes become your signature look

No matter how many layers of clothing you have on

You are naked

Exposed to the wind filled with

Debris mixed with hatred

Leaves with veins that let out

Indifference

Nobody cares when the air

Blows your hair

And you can’t seem to let go

Of everything holding you down

It keeps you in place

When you want the wind to

push you forward

But you are stuck

You were wrong

It could get worse

Hannah

Living where I live right now is a bit scary. We have had several abductions over the years, and the most recent is Hannah Graham. She was taken against her will after a night of partying. This song was brought on when a girl at school handed me a ribbon and told me it was a “Hope For Hannah” one. Most of us hope that she is safe, but the big question in these lyrics is “Are we truly worried for her or for ourselves?” I can go both ways, but I’d like to see what you all think. Comment with what you think.Here is today’s writing simply titled “Hannah”.

I got a ribbon today

For the girl who got taken away

It’s beautiful, just like her

It is small and vulnerable

That is what she is

 

What does it mean

When we say

 

“Bring her back”

Do we really feel for her

Or are we scared for our own selves?

Instead of worried for the world

I really cannot tell

“Bring her back”

Are we sad for her family

or hoping it doesn’t happen to us?

Do we want to save their sanity

Or keep us from cracking up?

 

Everybody is talking

About how she went walking

Drunk and alone

Been a while since she was on the phone

Someone took advantage

 

Took her when she didn’t want to

Now we say that we all will

 

“Bring her back”

Do we really feel for her

Or are we scared for our own selves?

Instead of worried for the world

I really cannot tell

“Bring her back”

Are we sad for her family

or hoping it doesn’t happen to us

Do we want to save their sanity

Or keep us from cracking up

 

Why do people say

They care when they will not

Do anything above the show

Of letting people hear them

Say they will help, but do they ?

No

 

“Bring her back”

Do we really feel for her

Or are we scared for our own selves?

Instead of worried for the world

I really cannot tell

“Bring her back”

Are we sad for her family

or hoping it doesn’t happen to us

Do we want to save their sanity

Or keep us from cracking up

 

Well I guess if we are going to say

That we will help in any way

We better do it before she’s gone for good

Or people will just say that they would

So if you say to “Bring her back”

Truly try to do just that

Nowadays

Today was a busy day. I had my first band competition, so I haven’t been home all day. I hope this poem is not posted too late in the day for you all to see it. Today’s lyrics are the second in a series I am writing about Carter Rose, a character I have created. She is finding out that her relationship is not all it used to be. I like this one a lot. Here is “Nowadays”.

Knowing that I need hope

And having it are two different things

This is not working out

I need you to see things differently

 

We were perfect

Then we fell off the edge

Everything was beautiful

But the fights became a wedge

 

Nowadays, you are on my mind

I know we can’t see each other

Need to live in different colors

But right now you think we’re fine

I don’t have the heart to tell you

There is nothing else I can do

Let me draw outside the lines

 

I see you

Standing on the street

Who are you waiting for?

And why is it not me?

 

I can give you what you need

If you let me, if you show me

 

But you won’t so I give up

Can’t stand this when it’s tough

It was easy being with you

But now I know I’m just being used


Nowadays, you are on my mind

I know we can’t see each other

Live our lives in different colors

But right now you think we’re fine

I don’t have the heart to tell you

There’s nothing else I can do

Let me draw outside the lines

 

Tell me why you don’t want me

When before you said that was all you wanted

You went from real to being haunted

 

Nowadays, you are on my mind

I know we can’t see each other

Live our lives in different colors

But right now you think we’re fine

I don’t have the heart to tell you

There’s nothing else I can do

Let me draw outside the lines

 

Let me draw a picture not by your side

So I can see things in a different light