Waltzing Through Black Holes

Going down the wrong road

Is easier than finding your way back

It’s simple to slide through the mud

And dance through black holes

But getting out of them

When your feet are stuck in outer space

Is nearly impossible

Ballroom dancing turns to bawling

Skipping feet turn to skipping hearts

My heart pounds with each attempt to break free

My muscles are falling apart

My brain is turning into pieces

Puzzles of blurry images

And jagged edges that don’t seem to fit

I look down below me

I see a kaleidoscope

It brings more colors

And I think I am continuing to safety

But in reality it messes up my steps

Drunken staggering

Then I think

Maybe I don’t need to turn around

Maybe I need to keep trudging through the mud

And waltzing through the black holes

Until I reach stable land

And find out that I am who I am

Because of my walk down the road

 

They say the hardest thing about recovery

Is making it not to the start

But to the end of a long hard path

Where you can start again

Recovery Road

You’re in control

While I’m held down

You play with me

My key is wound

 

I am a toy soldier

I march to your own beat

I try to hard to let go

To finally be free

 

You control my mind

I haven’t told the truth

I try to hide you inside

But inside is all about you

 

They say it isn’t your fault

But I take all the blame

It’s pathetic how I

Don’t even know your name

 

Love does not come easy

When it’s shown in the wrong

I try to run away from

Your voice inside a song

 

My dreams turn into nightmares

When you walk in the room

I want to throw you away

I need to do it soon

 

I lied about my feelings

I wanted to look strong

I said that I was fine with it

Well, I’ve waited far too long

 

I’m through letting you take over

Each moment of my life

I’ve let you cut far in me

You control the knife

 

I’ll be tough one now

I will fight for my sanity

Maybe soon I will

Be able to have hopes and dreams

 

I won’t be down for too long

I’m ready to break in

To the part you stole from me

I’m ready to defriend

 

Defriend the past that tortures

But also calls me home

I’ll break trough while I

Turn all of this to stone

 

I might not be free quite yet

I have so long to go

I’m ready to walk down

My recovery road

Half Mast (All Will Be Okay)

I fall asleep

I can’t dream

All I see

Is falling dreams

 

I jump so high

But I can’t fly

White wings have died

Now black touches the sky

 

I paint the ceiling

With ink and wrong feelings

Not wrong, but they’re stealing

My fishing rods not reeling

 

The fish are not biting

So put it down in writing

I don’t want to keep fighting

Yet my words keep on trying

 

Push me ahead

Into my future instead

Of this life I have led

All the pain I’ve been fed

 

Lend me my glass

I’ll fill mine up last

So I’ll leave my past

With its flag at half mast

 

I’m trying to find

What I have left behind

I know I’ll be fine

Once I draw a fine line

 

Between love and pain

Between in sync and insane

Between sunshine and rain

All will be okay

Dear Flashbacks

Dear Flashbacks,

Wow! How long has it been since you entered my my head ? I’m not sure, but I remember it like it was yesterday. Wait, it was yesterday. You were whispering words in my ears, reminding me of who I really am.  You  were in the shower, while tears rolled down my face. You were in the mirror, pointing out everything that was wrong with me then and what is wrong with me now. My self image was already distorted then you did the impossible by screwing it up until I am new person. Now it’s not just my looks, but my thoughts, worries, fears, and hopelessness. I’ve been through the washing machine. Nobody thought about putting me in the dryer, so I could let go of some of the weight water brings. As long as I am clean, I don’t need to be warm. I just need love, and it’s not coming through you.

Every night, I have an argument with myself, but you always but you always squeeze in, with your opinion about what should happen. I hate arguing with myself, but it’s better than you jumping in. Why do you deserve a say? I’ve been around longer. 19 years beats 4 years. I have more say in this than you do, yet you always take control.  Sometimes you take full control, and I am traumatized every night, even without nightmares. Each night, I close my eyes, feel around for the lamp, take off my glasses, set them down in a risky position, and get under the covers as fast I can. This routine comes from my fear of the dark and what is lurking outside windows or on my ceiling. Sometimes my eyes won’t stay closed, so I open them. All I see is blue light coming from the nightlight and my shadow (oh, how I hope it is my shadow).Sometimes I see floating lights. None of these things however are as bad what I hear in my head. All the awful things I have heard, the struggles and hurt I’ve been through, and leftover hatred from the 14 year old me. I hear those when I am alone, day and night,

This is one of the main reasons I hate staying home alone. What am I going to deal with this time? How many scary sounds are going to trick me into believing they really are scary. You are the ones that make it difficult for me to feel safe anywhere I go.

Yes, I am able to cast you guys aside, especially in public places. I hold you in. I am okay for a while. You will disappear someday.

I have many people who do love me, who want to squeeze out the water. You are not one of them, and never will be. I will let them care for me, while I recover. Hopefully they will let me care for them someday. One thing I do know is that I will not let you ruin my recovery. I am too strong for that now. I never thought I’d use a Justin Bieber song in a post, but who knew it would perfectly relate. “And if you think that I’m still holdin’ on to somethin’ you should go and….”

Love Yourself,

Your terrified bed buddy

Love Yourself- Justin Bieber

PTSD:Do’s and Don’ts of Loving a Survivor

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is more commonly know as PTSD. It is the stress that happens after a traumatic experience, such as abuse, coming home from war, a car crash, or anything that causes extreme stress. Not everybody who experiences these scary things develops PTSD.

Those who do experience PTSD often have several symptoms. These can include flashbacks, nightmares, jumpiness, and watching everything at a high concentration level; it can happen at any age. The newest DSM-5 added criteria for children under six years of age. (http://www.brainlinemilitary.org/content/2014/06/dsm-v-tr-criteria-for-ptsd.html0

There is also Complex PTSD, which is associated with long- term trauma such as concentration camps, long-term abuse, and Prisoners Of War camps.  Many survivors of this type of PTSD have problems regulating their emotions, dissociation, bad thoughts about themselves and exaggerated views of their abusers. http://www.ptsd.va.gov/professional/PTSD-overview/complex-ptsd.asp

No matter the person’s age, symptoms, or what causes the person’s stress, there are simple steps you can take to help them .There is also a list of things not to do.

DO’S

Find out what triggers them and try to refrain from doing that.

  1. Once you know how to help, expose them to their trigger in small amounts (read don’ts about this one).
  2. Help them calm down during an episode, if they want you to.
  3. Watch for danger, such as severe anger, suicide risk, or substance abuse
  4. Expect the person might have flashbacks of the event. This is a common part of PTSD.
  5. Get them help. PTSD is hard to deal with and a therapist might help.
  6. Know that they might not ready for therapy. Therapy is hard for the beginner and veterans of it.
  7. Know that survivors of Complex PTSD need different treatment, such as recovering power and making safe relationships. Long term abuse does NOT mean they need to have long-term suffering, but might need longer to heal.
  8. Let a person have independence. They might have struggles, but they can help themselves sometimes.
  9. Help the person know that you still love them, even with their struggling. Show them that you care.

DON’TS

  1. Scare a person because you think it is funny. It is NOT funny to the person
  2. Ask why they have PTSD. If they want to tell you, let them do it when they know they are ready.
  3. Don’t touch the person without permission. This means anywhere. Even if you just want to shake hands. We should get into doing that for everyone.
  4. Tell others about the person’s condition. Once again. If you have permission,go ahead.
  5. Make them feel about themselves. For example, don’t tell them “It wasn’t too bad” or “Get over it. People have it worse than you”.
  6. Force someone to face their trigger before they are ready
  7. Calm them down in a way that they don’t want. Let them figure out their needs.
  8. Interfere with their emotions by telling them to “calm down”.Believe me, it only makes things worse.
  9. Refer to your loved one as a victim. They have struggled, but are still alive. They are survivors. Give them credit for how far they have come. Call them  their deserved title: Survivors.Better yet, cal them by their name, if they are comfortable. They are humans who want to not be known by their illness.
  10. Struggle alone. Helping your loved one care for themselves can be draining. Make sure you are getting some time to yourself, or either even go to therapy yourself.

 

PTSD is extremely hard to deal with. Your help is welcome at most times. Ask before you help. We are thankful for your support. Even the little things you do- making dinner for them in a rough spot. Tell them their favorite jokes, watch a light-hearted movie- there are so many things you can do to help promote pleasant feelings instead of the intrusive thoughts that come around in our mind.

 

ONE MORE DO- Know that they are not their mental illness. There will be times where the person is fine. Enjoy those moments. Take life in as it is. There are positive and negative moments in everything. Handle the negative the best way you can. Learn through the positive. Every day’s a day to educate yourself on PTSD, but also a day to do something for yourself.

Pierce The Veil- Hold On Till May: Chose because it is abuse, love, and suicide.

 

Tangled: Asperger’s and PTSD

I should be happy right now. Part of me actually is. I sing, dance, write, and do a whole lot of talking. Normally, I would say I am manic, but it doesn’t  feel like that. I just feel like a person going on with their life. Bipolar might not be the problem right now.

My main focuses right now are my Asperger’s and PTSD.

They are very different disorders. Asperger’s is a developmental disorder, while PTSD is a mental disorder. However, I’ve found  a few similarities that work with or against each other to hurt me more than each alone.

The first similarity I can think of is my Asperger’s who wants friends but trusts everyone who gives me attention. I have often mistaken these people as my friends. I was looking for a friend when the subject of my PTSD gave me attention. I mistook it for a real friendship and ran with it. It did not end the way I thought it would.

PTSD makes it hard to make eye contact out of fear, while Asperger’s has always made me have terrible eye contact. I try to do it, I really do. I just can’t do it. I can’t look my therapist of forever in the eyes.She tried to make me, but realized it wasn’t going to happen. I even have trouble looking in my family’s eyes, although that is easier. Now it is even worse. I haven’t made eye contact with most people not related relating to me, not only because of social anxiety, but also due to me being terrified of what will happen.

As a person with Asperger’s, I have  a hard time reading body language. I sometimes don’t know how a person is feeling. I’ve mistaken my parent’s content face as anger. This happened with PTSD subject as well. I couldn’t tell if they were amused or at ease, or suspicious or filled with ideas I didn’t want to know. Sometimes it was both.  Often I did learn the ideas and they were as awful as I thought

Both Asperger’s and PTSD both have the symptom of unwanted thoughts. I’ve been having useless unwanted thoughts ever since I can remember, Then it became thoughts about hating myself, Then the trauma filled my head with unwanted thoughts in my head during the day and my nightmares every night. I am thankful for the drug prescribed to me, but have to take my blood pressure every night. I can only take the pill if it is 100 on top and 65 on the bottom.  I often don’t get high enough pressure but take it anyway. I have been dizzy many mornings just so I don’t have to deal with the nightmares. I was also given a stimulant to push away the unwanted thoughts that come with Asperger’s. It doesn’t keep the flashbacks and triggers away, but it is nice to have clear thought for at least a little bit.

Another point that I should  mention is that people with Asperger’s often have a hard time with sarcasm, They, including me,  take things too literally. That means that we believe what anybody is saying. When a person is your trigger, and says horrible things about us, we believe it. We also obsess over things, and this trigger of ours can become an obsession. I know mine did, and is still jumping around in my head somehow.

Both disorders lead different paths, but there is always a part in the dirt where the path meets. I would like to live without PTSD. Asperger’s not so much. The symptoms are not as bad as the stupid PTSD (and bipolar as well), I can’t help what I have, but I can educate myself and others, learn how to manage it, and live the best life I can. PTSD and Asperger’s often tangle up, but untwisting them is possible.

 

Innocent-  Taylor Swift

I Fear The Thunderstorm

Lighting strikes

Thunder rumbles

Just a storm

No need for trouble

 

Then that night

We got a call

She was outside

While rain poured on

 

She could not think

Each answer wrong

Mind in the past

Short-term was gone

 

Friends came by

With their mom

Cozy sleeping bags 

I could not be calmed

 

 

 

Little sister

fast asleep

I stayed awake

 

Eyes red, cannot think

 

Family came home

Said she’d be fine

A mini-stroke

She would be fine

 

She came home soon

We missed her so

Her mind came back

Not a real stroke

 

When clouds appear

Rain comes pouring down

Jumping at thunder

Can’t stand the sound

 

Lighting collides

With all the trees

It also smacks

It’s hands on me

 

My biggest fear

Is storms and wind

I wonder if

This dread will end

 

Fear is my master

It won’t let me leave

I’m a slave to my doubt

Storms do as they please

 

Fears hang on

Medicine won’t help

Must learn to take care

Of your anxious self