I should be happy right now. Part of me actually is. I sing, dance, write, and do a whole lot of talking. Normally, I would say I am manic, but it doesn’t feel like that. I just feel like a person going on with their life. Bipolar might not be the problem right now.
My main focuses right now are my Asperger’s and PTSD.
They are very different disorders. Asperger’s is a developmental disorder, while PTSD is a mental disorder. However, I’ve found a few similarities that work with or against each other to hurt me more than each alone.
The first similarity I can think of is my Asperger’s who wants friends but trusts everyone who gives me attention. I have often mistaken these people as my friends. I was looking for a friend when the subject of my PTSD gave me attention. I mistook it for a real friendship and ran with it. It did not end the way I thought it would.
PTSD makes it hard to make eye contact out of fear, while Asperger’s has always made me have terrible eye contact. I try to do it, I really do. I just can’t do it. I can’t look my therapist of forever in the eyes.She tried to make me, but realized it wasn’t going to happen. I even have trouble looking in my family’s eyes, although that is easier. Now it is even worse. I haven’t made eye contact with most people not related relating to me, not only because of social anxiety, but also due to me being terrified of what will happen.
As a person with Asperger’s, I have a hard time reading body language. I sometimes don’t know how a person is feeling. I’ve mistaken my parent’s content face as anger. This happened with PTSD subject as well. I couldn’t tell if they were amused or at ease, or suspicious or filled with ideas I didn’t want to know. Sometimes it was both. Often I did learn the ideas and they were as awful as I thought
Both Asperger’s and PTSD both have the symptom of unwanted thoughts. I’ve been having useless unwanted thoughts ever since I can remember, Then it became thoughts about hating myself, Then the trauma filled my head with unwanted thoughts in my head during the day and my nightmares every night. I am thankful for the drug prescribed to me, but have to take my blood pressure every night. I can only take the pill if it is 100 on top and 65 on the bottom. I often don’t get high enough pressure but take it anyway. I have been dizzy many mornings just so I don’t have to deal with the nightmares. I was also given a stimulant to push away the unwanted thoughts that come with Asperger’s. It doesn’t keep the flashbacks and triggers away, but it is nice to have clear thought for at least a little bit.
Another point that I should mention is that people with Asperger’s often have a hard time with sarcasm, They, including me, take things too literally. That means that we believe what anybody is saying. When a person is your trigger, and says horrible things about us, we believe it. We also obsess over things, and this trigger of ours can become an obsession. I know mine did, and is still jumping around in my head somehow.
Both disorders lead different paths, but there is always a part in the dirt where the path meets. I would like to live without PTSD. Asperger’s not so much. The symptoms are not as bad as the stupid PTSD (and bipolar as well), I can’t help what I have, but I can educate myself and others, learn how to manage it, and live the best life I can. PTSD and Asperger’s often tangle up, but untwisting them is possible.
Innocent- Taylor Swift