Recovery Road

You’re in control

While I’m held down

You play with me

My key is wound

 

I am a toy soldier

I march to your own beat

I try to hard to let go

To finally be free

 

You control my mind

I haven’t told the truth

I try to hide you inside

But inside is all about you

 

They say it isn’t your fault

But I take all the blame

It’s pathetic how I

Don’t even know your name

 

Love does not come easy

When it’s shown in the wrong

I try to run away from

Your voice inside a song

 

My dreams turn into nightmares

When you walk in the room

I want to throw you away

I need to do it soon

 

I lied about my feelings

I wanted to look strong

I said that I was fine with it

Well, I’ve waited far too long

 

I’m through letting you take over

Each moment of my life

I’ve let you cut far in me

You control the knife

 

I’ll be tough one now

I will fight for my sanity

Maybe soon I will

Be able to have hopes and dreams

 

I won’t be down for too long

I’m ready to break in

To the part you stole from me

I’m ready to defriend

 

Defriend the past that tortures

But also calls me home

I’ll break trough while I

Turn all of this to stone

 

I might not be free quite yet

I have so long to go

I’m ready to walk down

My recovery road

Joker’s Smile

The Joker’s smile

Won’t disappear

From my head

Grins from ear to ear

Blood coming from his mouth

 

I have a frown from jaw to jaw

Blood coming from my ears

As I wish away his white face

Wait for it to disappear

 

I can’t stand to be

Turned into Miss Harley

I don’t want to be pushed around

Have my life turned upside down

There is no way

I’ll turn into

The monster that

You want me to be

So let me slide

Say goodbye

To that Joker’s smile

 

My skins is pale

Just like mid December

Your face is getting brighter

With the sunlight in September

I’m stuck inside

 

I’m locked inside a jail cell

That you drove me into

Don’t push me down the stairwell

Or you’ll be coming too

I can’t stand to be

Turned into Miss Harley

I don’t want to be pushed around

Have my life turned upside down

There is no way

I’ll turn into

The monster that

You want me to be

So let me slide

Say goodbye

To that Joker’s smile

 

Teeth that show will not bite

But those inside come out at night

You let me see the fake you

And your smirk was always there

I’m not going anywhere, but

 

I guess I have changed for good

Turned into Miss Harley

I live my life all pushed around

My life has turned upside down

There is no way

I’ll let myself stay

The monster that

I have become

So let me go

You will say no

I’ve given in

To that Joker’s smil

Hatred Doesn’t Equal Heaven

They say there’s no heaven

For people like me

The only way is down

Even if you believe

 

Believing is God

Is what they suggest

Can’t I love him, and myself?

What about another you seem to detest?

 

Corinthians and Leviticus

Come out of their mouths

Old Testament tells me I’m wrong

Leaves me with feelings of sin and doubt

 

Sinning is wrong

But we are forgiven

Unless you confess

That your plan isn’t a him

 

Then you are evil

Churches protest your love

While they are spitting hatred

That shouldn’t get them above

 

Shouldn’t hatred be a bigger sin?

Love your neighbor as yourself

I have no problem loving others

While you all are speaking of hell

 

Hell for us

Not the people who pray

For what they think will help

Changing us to straight

 

Let me tell you something

Straight ain’t gonna happen

So we’ll push you all aside

While we make our way to heaven

 

Coming Out More Or Less

Sexuality is a tough subject to talk about, especially in the little town I live in. In high school, I knew of one lesbian and one transwoman. The lesbian had no problem sharing her story, but the transwoman only came out in a deep conversation in psychology. I am sure there were several other kids who were in the same boat I was in. We didn’t want to be seen as less, so we stuffed our feelings inside.

I’ve known I wasn’t straight since early middle school, maybe even younger. I never really let anyone know until one day, I was playing dolls with my friend. I had been putting the dolls in same-sex relationships. My friend asked me why I kept doing that. My reply was my first person I ever came out to. Her response was not quite what I was looking for. She simply said “That’s disgusting”, and we never brought it up again.

I had little crushes in middle school, nothing big. When you are in middle school, relationships don’t really last. I didn’t seek any and no one sought me. Middle school however, became a big time for me to figure out who I was. I eventually ended up in the hospital, but the thoughts were still going around in my head.

In one hospital, I came out to my parents. I’m not sure what they thought, but they were accepting. I don’t count that as a real coming out. Nobody except me remembered it as me being truly out.

High school wasn’t too great. For one thing, I was in the hospital for a big chunk of it and I was at an alternative school for a year. Those aren’t really the places you want to be pursuing a relationship in. There were a few girls that caught my eye, but the out girl had a girlfriend. The other was a girl that gave me her number, which got me really excited. Unfortunately, all she wanted to talk about was some guy that only proved to me that she was not interested.

College is a whole other story. At an all girl’s school, there are plenty of possibilities for relationships. There were a couple girls I had my eyes on, but I never pursued anything. One of them was straight, so that is absolutely not going to happen, but the other is still up in the air…okay, not really, but I CAN DREAM. I finally came out officially to my parents, and all my friends knew from the very start. IT felt good to be in a place where everybody accepted you because 1.) They were gay, bi, pan, etc. or 2.) They were genuinely amazing people that took you for you.

I never thought I’d be able to write about my sexuality in public, but I guess there comes a time when you need to be free from whatever is holding you back. I now am out of school and finding a relationship is going to be much harder than it was when I was surrounded by 800 girls. Maybe I won’t find one. I am okay with that. I could live happily without marriage or any relationship, but I feel I am ready to be in one. I am okay the way I am. I would also be okay with someone by my side. I’m not really sure where I am going nxt on this journey, but wherever it leads, I hope I am happy.

 

To The Girl I Love

To the girl I love,

 

Nobody knows who this is about.You don’t even know. I thought I’d write a short note explaining all the great things about you that make me love you.

 

First of all, you are so freaking beautiful. You might hate yourself, but there is absolutely no reason for that. It’s not just your physical features that make you beautiful, but your inside. Your laugh kills me and brings me back to life at the same time. The sound resounds in my ears for days, even when I am not near you. It’s even worse then, because I know I am no part of the laugh. It still makes me happy when others make you happy.

 

That’s all I want, for you to be happy. On the subject of beautiful, let me mention your soul. You might think you annoy people or people don’t like you, but that is the complete opposite of the truth. You are loved by every person you’ve ever come across, at least when from what I’ve seen. I don’t know what is going on inside your head or what demons haunt you.

 

Well, I know a few. I will forever try to help you beat the hard things and build you up so you can handle anything. You are so strong. I might not know your true feelings, because you always put on a happy face. It is okay to let your emotions out. It truly helps to spill out your deepest fears to people you trust. I am lucky to have gotten to see that part of you. The real you, who cares for me, needs to know that I want to care for you as well.

 

I have seen you when you look at yourself and can say nothing positive. You deserve to feel good about yourself. It comes from deep within to find it yourself. I honestly see nothing but the most beautiful person in the world when I look at you.

 

I can talk about anything with you. You actually care for me, which is strange for me as a friend. I have always had to care for the other person involved in a friendship without getting any care in return. I want you to know that you make me feel loved. I also want you to know that I want you to feel loved, and I want to be able to see you on your journey as you find yourself.

 

You are never going to know this is about you, but someday I hope I will actually be able to write a letter to you with your name on top and not just “the girl I love”. I think you are the most amazing person in the world, and I want you to know that. You are the best person to ever come into my life. I will not stop feeling this way until you say not to. I probably won’t listen and never will.

 

Thank you for walking into my life and teaching me that I deserve love, friendship, and happiness.

 

With monstrous amounts of love,
AJH

On Asperger’s and Romance

Relationships. Marriage. Kids. All that nonsense. I don’t want to be a part of it. I don’t want you to be  a part of it with me. I don’t want any of it. None.

Now, that we have that out if the way, I can talk about the real reason we are here. I’ve gathered you all here today to say, the reason I don’t want a relationship because of my Asperger’s.

Asperger’s makes it so I am socially awkward around people. That would make it hard to have a relationship.

I’m just imagining what a date would be like. How i would either say nothing and stare in the distance or talk nonstop about music or my blogs and stare into the distance. Either way, I’m not looking at my date.

I had one guy I sort of dated in sixth grade. I really mean sort of. My friend put us together, we never talked, he brought me a shell from the beach, boom six months had gone by and I’d never even talked to the guy more than three times: when we started , when he gave me the shell and when we”broke up” or whatever you want to call it. Maybe a “fake up” or a “way too late up” or even “I suck at this so bad, I’m so sorry up”

I have struggled with sexuality, and have thought I was every one of them here is. I think the reason for that is,I didn’t realize that I didn’t really want one. I don’t want to deal with an unfamiliar or person not related to me touching me. I don’t want to have to make conversation. I don’t want to be expected to have family. I want to be alone.

Well, not really alone. I want my family. I want friends, I just don’t want that kind of friend. Having Asperger’s, it seems like I would be annoying them, with all my quirks and differences.

Now, I know that plenty of people with Asperger’s go on and have happy relationships. They feel comfortable, and able to settle down with someone. I don’t feel that way. I’m not sure if it is because of the Asperger’s or because of my personality. Probably a little bit of both.

If you have Asperger’s, and are married with kids,  that is awesome! I am so happy for you and glad you could find someone. If you have Asperger’s and are looking for a relationship, you got this! You have all the skills you need to find someone. And if you are like me and Asperger’s and not looking for someone, it’s okay. You don’t need to date. You don’t need to get married. You don’t need kids. You are alright just as you.

 

Storms

Thanksgiving is over for most, but the festivities continue for my family. My one set of grandparents/uncles were at their cabin yesterday, so now that they are home, we are going over to their house to eat. School is out, all of my family is at home, and I got some pretty good Black Friday deals online at Hot Topic yesterday, so things are good. Family is obviously the best part, and I am so glad to be with them.

Today’s lyrics have been in the works for the past couple of days. I finally finished them last night, and I am pretty proud of it. This song is called “Storms”.


 

We built this house

Brick by brick

Made it strong and stand up tall

Put the pictures on the wall

Well, those photos are now crooked

 

Storms come and ruin things

Last time I heard the phone ring

It was you, told me we were finally through

Hurricanes tore us down

A tornado threw things around

Tsunamis make things die

Hits you hard, but not as hard as

Goodbye

 

We grew this garden

Rose by rose

But the thorns pricked my thumb

And the blooms all died young

Now the blood is all over the floor

 

Storms come and ruin things

Last time I heard the phone ring

It was you, told me we were finally through

Hurricanes tore us down

A tornado threw things around

Tsunamis make things die

Hits you hard, but not as hard as

Goodbye

 

Don’t tell me you can fix it

I don’t want to see you try

You know we can’t get through this

Watch the fire burn just like your lies

You never wanted anything

To work out like it should

So let me be and set me free

Just like I knew you would

 

Storms come and ruin things

Last time I heard the phone ring

It was you, told me we were finally through

Hurricanes tore us down

A tornado threw things around

Tsunamis make things die

Hits you hard, but not as hard as

Goodbye


Let me get into this storm’s eye