Heartache On The Down Low

Just sitting here

Waiting for the world to end

Been waiting quite a while

Death has become an old friend

 

No matter how far I run

No matter how hard I try

I can’t get away from this feeling

Of impending doom of life’s lies

 

I listen for the sirens

Of telling the truth

I’m not used to this

There has never been any proof

 

Proof of happiness and joy

It never seems to show

No bloodstains on my carpet

Just heartache on the downlow

 

I keep quiet so I can hide

Away from the outside jail

That tries to hold me hostage

I’m held without a bail

 

Take me from this madness

The devil’s little game

Take me far from glory

Let me live in shame

 

I deserve the darkness

I don’t deserve a house

Lift me off my cushion

Take away my blouse

 

Wrap me up in cloth

Set me in my tomb

I won’t come back like Jesus

I’ll stay and will not move

 

Maybe if I lie down

And watch the world go by

I’ll get to rise up sooner

I will never have to die

 

I’ll change the world for better

I won’t be the mess I made

I won’t melt like in the summer

I will finally have some shade

 

I’ll rise above the dirt

Push the tomb away from me

I’m like amazing Grace

I was blind, but now I see

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Deep Blue Sea

I want to fall

Into a deep blue sea

Where I can sleep forever

Or at least until the sun comes up

I can live in the darkness no longer

I must raise my hands above my head

Shake them so someone

Will find me

Suffering

Stuck in the riptide

Going back and forth

Land and ocean

Ocean and land

Trying to break free

From the moon’s pull on me

It will not drag me in

I’ll lay down on the ocean floor

With the seaweed as my bed

Wrapped around like a mummy

Until a swordfish comes along

Cuts me out and tells me everything is

Okay

I will rise above

I see the light, and not the bad one

I see the sunshine of life

Not the flashlight in my eyes watching

For God, if he exists

Any god wouldn’t put me through this

The I remember

Trial and error is the only way to learn

He is teaching me I need to struggle

To climb up out of the ocean

And become one with the sky

Alive, even after all of the drowning

We must fail to thrive

We must die to survive

Stardust

Show me the world

The one inside your body

Where I see the broken parts

And I feel the electricity

 

We are so different

But we are the same

Each of us living

A creator’s chess game

 

The king is taking over

While us pawns are left behind

The queen breaks us apart

As it crosses the board’s line

 

I might not know much of chess

But the basics are all there

The pawns all die in a slaughterhouse

While the kings and queen cut each hair

 

We get pulled apart by existence

Twist and turn by the rising sea

You might be able to float

But swimming is too hard for me

 

The time warp is inside my hands

Time travel is possible with my feet

At least this is what I tell myself

Others don’t believe

 

Sometimes I think I’m god

And the people below are mine

Sometimes I think I’m the devil

Trying to claim the holy’s line

 

A line of stardust whispers

Asks me to take a sniff

I feel as high as Heaven

While my grounded feet stay stiff

 

Everything is all mixed up

Things don’t make much sense

These words were thrown together

As I let my brain cleanse

 

Send out all the nonsense

Let in all the light

So I can clear out the cobwebs

And finally live my life

Hitchhike to Heaven

It wasn’t my decision

For me to hurt my soul

You have a huge obsession

With watching me break bones

 

Aching feet cracked in half

By the hands of a creator

Raising me up with the staff

To stop me from going deeper

 

Stop pushing me in farthur

I push until I bleed

My brain shows I’m a carver

I’m why it’s called Red Sea

 

It parts for them to walk through

The waves crash down on me

I try, but the salt blocks my view

Stings like an angry bee

 

The pharaoh and I are the same

We both have done things wrong

“Go back to start” inside life’s game

A sour note in a song

 

The horses are stuck in the sand

That’s turned more into mud

We sink into the devil’s hand

After the cleansing flood

 

Manna falls from up above

For the people who passed by

We’re left with carcasses and dust

To eat before we die

 

I’m one of the survivors

But maybe not for long

God might be my witness

His eyes are staring on

 

The pharaoh and his horses

Have become my men

As I walk along the courses

While I try to mend

 

Heaven is my next stop

The staircase will not reach

The highway is blocked off

Guess Heaven’s not for me

 

I’ll sit here with my thumb out

Waiting for a sign

I look above and I shout

Nobody will read mine

 

To become an angel

I will have to hitchhike

It looks like from this angle

Tonight won’t be the night

 

Life and Why It’s Meaningless

There are some days that I wake up and am excited to church. Others, I am tired, cranky, and don’t want to get out of bed for anything. Today was a mix of both. I was pretty tired, but I only stayed in bed about ten minutes after my dad told me to wake up, instead of twenty minutes and dragging me out of my comfy kingdom where dreams come true.

Waking up to face the world, where those dreams are far away, is never fun. However, today I was a bit excited for the church service. I figured they were going to talk about Dottie, the amazing woman who passed away recently.Our whole church was shaken by her death. I also was excited to be with my church family, who grieved along with me and to give each other a sort of comfort you can only find at a church.

Recently, I have been having a hard time keeping up and paying attention in church. The only thing I can keep my concentration at least part of the time iste sermon. This is where my pastor gets to use his own words to describe the lessons we are learning that day. Today. That theme was asking the question “Is life meaningless?”

As someone who has dealt with suicidal thoughts on and off for years, this question hit me hard. Is life meaningless? One example my pastor gave was from a baseball player. When the player was asked how he got through each game, he answered this: “Ten million years from now, when then sun burns out and the Earth is just a frozen iceball hurtling through space, nobody’s going to care whether or not I got this guy out.” (http://www.baseball-almanac.com/quotes/quomcg.shtml)

Is this true? Is nothing I am doing now going to matter to anyone when the world ends, or when I end, whichever comes first? To a person who has dealt with suicidal thoughts, the answer to this is NO. Nothing I’ve done, even if I someday become the most famous writer in the world, is going to matter the the sun sucking us in. I’ll matter as much as murderers. Even if it’s just me dying and the world doesn’t end for a million years, those million years later, no one is going to think about me at those million years, or in a thousand years, or even in a hundred. If the history books were to ever say my name, those books are going to be gone or worthless by the time the world ends. I am not special.

My pastor also talked about Dottie and her boyfriend John’s recent deaths. John, who also lived with Down syndrome, died very soon after Dottie. It is believed that he died of the stress of losing Dottie. The pastor talked about how even with their challenges, they lived a full life, even fuller than some of us without a disability. They didn’t think life was meaningless.

The Special Olympics choir sang a couple songs at Dottie’s funeral, and those kids were fully into it. Even though their friend was gone, they put their full hearts into the performance. They live every moment of their life in a meaningful way.

We need to be like them. Yes, I might feel like life is useless sometimes. I might think I’d rather be dead than face the reality that life means nothing, that I mean nothing. It sometimes feels like I have a weight on my chest keeping me from doing anything useful, and that I am worthless and nobody needs me. These people who live with disabilities don’t let them get in the way. They live life to the fullest, not caring if people are going to remember them or not.

While life might be a black hole in the times I am suicidal, it can also be the sun. Not the sun sucking us in, the sun giving us light, allowing us to live.

Who care’s if we are remembered in a thousand years? As long as we live a life that pleases us, why worry if we are a memory preserved in time? We are here. We are now. Let the future belong to those who live there. Dottie and John never let their disabilities define them. We shouldn’t let our problems tell us we are nothing.

Life might seem meaningless at times. To tell you the truth, I think that life is meaningless at times. This is just my brain talking. It is just your brain talking. We are not nothing. We are something. Our problems won’t keep us from heavens. If we act as a child, with no worries of being remembered, we will get a lot farther than adults who spend life thinking life has no point.

Suicidal thoughts are the stem of why this sermon was so meaningful. Everybody has their own reasons. I’m sure everyone was shocked and deeply moved by my pastors words. We all learned that we are not everything, but we are something that is worth being acknowledged in our lives and in God’s kingdom above.

 

Should Have Prayed

Before I was too old

Should’ve been asleep

My blood turned to frosty cold

Didn’t ask my soul to keep

 

Praying before bed

Is not something that I do

I think of what the Bible said

How I will be renewed

 

Then the whole room turned to black

Except for a single face

Red with horns on his ugly mask

That turned out not to be fake

 

He told me where I would be left

Down beneath the soil

Where fire burned like dragon’s breath

Water hot enough to boil

 

If I didn’t follow him there

He’d have me carried below

By the fallen angel who would take care

Of throwing me down low

 

I tried, oh God, I tried

Prayed up above to set me free

Apparently in hell nobody cries

The first would not be me

 

Then my eyes finally returned

The fog cleared from my head.

I had no marks from being burned

The devil freed me back to bed

 

I ran faster than my ruminating fears

Crying with pain in eyes

They asked me about  why I had tears

I told them it was my time

 

Told them all about the red

And big horns sticking out

Evil grin and what he said

How he took me so far down

 

I  couldn’t stop from freaking out

Until they said I was wrong

They listened to each of my shouts

They hugged until I calmed

 

As a little girl I was scared

That’s not normal for me to think

They told me they found nothing there

It was only a  scary dream

 

I know it wasn’t in my head

Not an image in my sleep

It wasn’t a late night thought in bed

I know he had talked to me

 

Maybe that’s why I am who I’ve been

First sign of losing touch

I’ve lost it several times since then

But not nearly this much

 

The older I get, the more I see

My brain doing flips

How common this happens to me

My mind playing its tricks

 

Fear will never hold me back

And if the devil decides

He wants to threaten to attack

The victory will be mine

Amazing Grace (Reimagined)

*You can sing this to the original version of Amazing Grace*

 

A song filled with light and belief

Our knees all drop in time

Saved from the deepest of the dark

Filled with our darkest crimes

 

The sound that saved me caused my tears

The time I learned to pray

When the water coats my head 

Grace takes my hurt away

 

I try to heal my pain with cheer

Hating myself too long

He teaches me I’ll be alright

Through him, there is no wrong

 

Good is coming, on his way

To heal your trials and woes

With his body and his blood

His bread and bleeding flows

 

I  will die first, but I will live

Heaven will be my  home

Whether on earth or up above

I  will not  be alone

 

Skin and blood will die away

My  life will be restored

Each cherub and each seraphim

Takes us to meet our lord