Grey Sky Days

You led me into your kingdom

Built of convoluted lies

Let me get trapped underneath

The stones of dishonesty

I turn into a path of blood

Stomped on all the time

Trying to get across

the bridges inside me

 

Let me fly away

All I find are grey sky days

 

I’m just not your cup of tea

But I’m boiling

Spilling over with each word

Said to my face or overheard

They say syllables hurt worse than the sword

I say the pen is running out of ink

I’ve run out of thoughts to think

Went like water down the bathroom sink

I’m stuck in Earth’s rotation

 

Or maybe it’s yours

 

It’s afternoon on Tuesday

It’s raining on my head

You poured me out of your coffeepot

Sipped me up while I was hot

You took control while I stayed back

I didn’t want to cause a fight

Where you make sure you are right

Even when you guess wrong

That happens quite a lot

 

Let me fly away

All I find are grey sky days

 

I’m just not your cup of tea

But I’m boiling

Spilling over with each word

Said to my face or overheard

They say syllables hurt worse than the sword

I say the pen is running out of ink

I’ve run out of thoughts to think

Went like water down the bathroom sink

I’m stuck in Earth’s rotation

 

Or maybe it’s yours

 

Let me fly somewhere new

One where I’m allowed to be me

Not you

 

I’m just not your cup of tea

But I’m boiling

Spilling over with each word

Said to my face or overheard

They say syllables hurt worse than the sword

I say the pen is running out of ink

I’ve run out of thoughts to think

Went like water down the bathroom sink

I’m stuck in Earth’s rotation

 

Or maybe it’s yours
I’ll make it mine

All Because Of You

We mourn the remembrance

Of those we’ve left behind

Our memories, tainted by

The hurt they inflicted on our dreams

Sucking them into an inferno  

Changing them into terrors of the dark

We left for good reason

Our hearts still ache

All we have is nothing

They stole our sanity

Pulled it down a concrete path

Scraping up our pleasant thoughts

All that is left is them and their mind tricks

Telling us fake facts

That we are worthless

Without them

We are useless

No one wants us

I’d rather drink a vase of cyanide

Than relive the times you pushed me down

I let you

I let you drag me down the road to breakdowns

Breakdown I did

All because of you

Hickory Tree

Dig me out of this hole I call my brain

Destroy my soul with novacane

Numb me so much I can’t feel the pain

Shoot me some more so I don’t know my name

 

I might not like drugs, but I’m on a hill

Rolling down when I swallow each pill

I’m way too young to be writing a will

I might be falling, but I’m alive still

 

It might sound like I’m looking for death

But I’m not quite ready for that yet

I still have hope that I’ll win the bet

Between god and the devil both trying their best

 

Both heaven and hell have their qualities

Burning below sounds alright to me

I want to fly as high as a bumblebee

Stinging the rotting until they believe

 

This might sound depressing, but I promise it’s not

I’m climbing the ladder until I’m out of the hot

I wish that not me, but my feelings are shot

So I can live on, without being caught

 

Inside the tumbleweed blowing sideways

I try not to get in the interstate

I don’t want to be hit, but it’s too late

I’m roadkill on an evildoers plate

 

I’ll crawl back up out of the grave

I know it is my turn to be saved

I’m ready to live a life full of grace

So maybe the skies won’t look so gray

 

They will be blue and I’ll be underneath

Looking above at the circling leaf

I once was like it, swirling around in grief

Now I’m standing tall like a hickory tree

Shedding My Leather

Out of control

No place to turn to

I’m on a roll

Of old, never brand new

It feels like we stole

When I’m gone and not you

I’ve run into the pole

While you got to come through

 

Life starts to whittle

Away at my skin

It starts as a little

Then turns to a sin

I’m stuck in the middle

All’s left is my kin

Nothing is left that I will

Remember again

 

I suppress all my thoughts

Try to push them aside

They all have me caught

I’m fine on my outside

Within all is stopped

I’ve faked it and lied

For years, they have bought

Now I’m sick of it all inside

 

Lend me an ink pen

And some paper to draw

The paper is too thin

When you need to draw it all

Capitalize every sentence

So the words will not fall

To read, you’ll need a lens

The writing is too small

 

I’ve let out my past

My future and right now

Hopefully this won’t last

I’ll get better somehow

It will not be fast

I’ll need some time to be loud

Get my head out of the cast

I’ll be fine, but some time must be allowed

 

I’m working on my letter

One that’s hard to write

I’ll send it to make me better

So they will see I’m right

I deserve mean words for never

I’ve survived their bite

Their words engraved my leather

But I’m shedding it tonight

I’ll Keep Living Until I Pop

I’m in a situation

Where I can’t seem to find

A light at the end

No imaginary friends

I want everything to be fine

 

I’m in a bit of a car wreck

Where the only survivor is me

I look around

No one to be fine

I guess only I can see

 

I’m falling apart into pieces

That nobody can restore

I try to stand still

But my brain never will

And will forevermore

 

I’m turning into a monster

Who scan’t speak or think straight

I growl to my peers

I pull off their ears

So they don’t hear all my self hate

 

I’m trying so hard to grow up

Hanging on until the day

When I can take the pill

And stop writing my will

So the pain will all go away

 

I’m not suicidal at all

Yes I have had my thoughts

The screaming inside

The tears I have cried

Makes me know I need to stop

 

I’m not in the mood to be happy

Not possibility now

I’m not going to lie

I know I’ll be fine

But the emotions fly out

 

I’m going to keep trying

Who knows if I’ll succeed

I’d rather do well

Learn how to handle hell

Than go to heaven and impede

 

I’m sick of the whole world

I’ll keep living until I pop

That will be some time

Not easy, not prime

My life has reason to not stop

High School Experience Part 3: Psychology Class

TW: Talk of Suicide

Psychology class was full of troubles

In my psychology class, we watched two different videos a few days apart. The first video showed a pretty graphic surgery going on, which most people said “EW!!!”, turned away, and laughed. People thought it was gross but it did them no harm.

The other video we watched, you all might have seen. It is about an alternate society where straight relationships were looked down upon and same-sex couples were the norm. A girl fell in love with a boy and they had to hide their relationship so they wouldn’t get hurt. Then some people bullied her severely. It goes on and on. It was a sad video, but I was managing it well. Then. the girl decides to kill herself. They show her grabbing a blade and putting it on her arm. I freaked out. I told my teacher I was leaving. As soon as I got out of the classroom, I burst into tears which turned into huge panic attack. My special ed teacher was not there that day, so I went to another one, who couldn’t calm me down. We went to a closet that had some seats in it, and talked. She said she would talk to the teacher about it. Then my psych teacher came in and started apologizing. She told me that if I had stayed, I could have heard the conversation from several of the other students. I was thinking to myself There is no way I could have stayed. She gave me an apology note the the next day.

The next class we had, the teacher said she was sorry for showing the last two videos, especially the surgery one. My brain was exploding at the point. THE SURGERY?!?! That was people laughing, not people trying to make it down the hall without doubling over in tears.

Our psychology class also had a 6 week open conversation about diversity. If we didn’t speak at least twice during each day of the 6 weeks, our grade would go down. My grade was slipping slightly, because my disorders were holding me back. I talked to my special ed teacher about it, and she said she would help me. We went to my psych teacher’s room and talked to her. She told the psych teacher that I had severe social anxiety and had a hard time talking in front of people, and asked if there was anything I could do to satisfy the social part of my grade. At first, the psych teacher said that she would really like me to talk. Psych teacher asked why I didn’t ask her myself. Special ed teacher said that mentally ill students often have a hard time asking, and that her word would be better than my word. Psych teacher said that I could come up to her after class and tell her my thoughts, but she wished I would talk instead. I went for a while doing that, but eventually she stopped asking me, so I stopped telling her, and my grade went right back up to the 101% I’d earned that semester with the real work, not a 6 week conversation about diversity that often lead to stressful situations.

One of the last days of class, we went around with paper and wrote nice things about all of the people.Most messages on mine contained those 5 words every shy girl wants to hear NOT: “ Even though you were quiet….” along with the common “I don’t really know you….”.

We also went around and told people deep things about themselves. Everybody clapped and cheered after the others. Then they got to me and I told them about my hospitalizations and mental illnesses. Everybody went quiet, except for one mumble somewhere in the room. The teacher quickly went to the next story, while everyone else went back to their cheering.

I told you psychology class had a lot of not so great things happen in it, at least for me. Everybody else loved it.

Silver Earrings

Life slips away, like a leaf down the river

Beautiful at first, but it gets soaked and frail

I’m inside my bedroom

Where I’ve been my whole life

At least is my head

The thoughts of him dying

A man I didn’t know

I’m still okay

Doing alright

 

Nothing’s the matter with me

I just need to get out

Get some fresh air

Breathe in life as it comes

Until is passes away

Onto a journey to a happier

Place, one I can call mine

I’ll be okay

Try to be alright

 

Not my fake daddy, not my real daddy

Not my mother and her

Tricks

Telling me news and whispering secrets

Only I could hear

Fresh from my mother’s mouth

Words I wish I understood

I’ll still at bay

Things will be fine

 

I wake up cold

Ask what time it i

Three days, and sleeping

Is not the only thing I did

Her telling smile

Knows the truth

I never will

I won’t be the prey

I might as well try

 

The sparkle in her eyes

Won’t be bright to long

You are not a diamond

A pebble kicked by a child

Will be your pupil soon

But I won’t be

No more lessons from her

I’ll find a way

It hurts not knowing why

 

I don’t deserve to be living

While you and your silver earrings

Flash me in the eyes

I don’t remember how I got this life

Where jewelry shows compassion

And fear is knocked down and assaulted

I’m hurt, I’m hurt, and I try to like it

I’ll never be okay

But I’m still alive

 

Alive- Pearl Jam