Charcoal

Note: This is not how I am feeling right now at all. I just had an idea and went with it. Do not worry for me, I am better than ever!

These nightmares fill my brain

Swirl around make me insane

Kills me with each REM

These alpha waves are not my friend

Each creature that disturbs my sleep

Is supposed to die with the clock’s beep

But it stays with me throughout the day

I can’t make these dreams go away

 

I live to love, but I don’t love to live

Want to share my hope, but there’s none to give

Every waking hour fills me with dread

To be alive is to have an empty head

To have an empty head is to have an empty heart

A heart doesn’t beat when it won’t even start

Keep me in your thoughts while I turn to dust

I’ll stay on the ground until my screws start to rust

 

And I hate the mirror staring back at me

A reflection of everything I don’t want to be

I try to grin to wipe away the hate

But with every blink, my face changes shape

One minute I’m a thief stealing conversation

I don’t deserve my own conservation

People talk but I drown them out

With my own thoughts of hate and self doubt

 

So I’ll try to sleep, but the monsters will come

The other shape I take is that of no one

Rub the charcoal to blur out my eyes

So I can’t see my whole life flashing by

Everyone is a rainbow but I am just gray

A pencil outlines each word that I say

A drawing and nothing more that has come to life

All I can hope is this is just “good night”

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Eleven

One pill to fix the memories

One pill to forget

One pill to reduce the pain

I made in my own head

One pill to erase the fears

One pill to delete

All the things that keep me up

So maybe I can sleep

One pill to push the feelings down

One pill to blur the day

One pill to unhear the sounds

One keeps the ghosts away

One pill to ease anxiety

One pill to ground my feet

I take the drugs to make me who

I am supposed to be

Tangible

Christmas is in four days. My birthday is in six. This is probably the most exciting part of the year to me. I am so excited I can hardly contain it. These lyrics I wrote do not fit my recent mood at all, but they came out of me anyway. I seem to write best about sad subjects. Here is “Tangible”


I tried to grab the world

By the clouds, and drag them down

So they would be at my level

Out of the sky and underground

A place where I seem to stay

 

I hate being the only one

Who is alone when nobody’s gone

I may be surrounded

But I still am afraid

A thing that is homemade

 

I don’t know

Where I belong

I don’t know

Where I went wrong

Why don’t I know

how to live

How to give up my dreams

They don’t mean anything at all

Not at all

 

Tangible objects don’t mean much

When what I want is something

I can’t touch

I need peace

Some hope would be nice

Maybe melt this heart made of ice

I don’t know

Where I belong

I don’t know

Where I went wrong

Why don’t I know

how to live

How to give up my dreams

They don’t mean anything at all

Not at all

 

My thoughts catch me

It has a net that seems to get

Me everytime I try to run away

My wishful thinking never helps

It only makes me less sure of myself

 

I’m finished being finished

But my brain is overdone

And burnt to a crisp

I can’t do this


Voices

I have not posted in a while, because, as always, life is very busy. I had a poem planned to be the next one release, but then realized I needed to get something out. It has been a rough few days, and this poem/song helps release those emotions. This is “Voices”.


Scary people scaring me

While I scare my family

I run away and try to fade

Into the back, but I try to stay

To the front

Is it bad I want

This to end right now

 

Bury myself in the ground

I don’t know if I can trust the sounds

That enter my ears

They’re my biggest fears

I die each time I try

But I lie to myself when I say I am fine

Tell me I’m something, but I won’t believe

I’m nothing more than my fantasies

They are nightmares, but they aren’t really there

They surround me, they’re everywhere

I’m nothing

 

I stop and stare

At what’s not there

I pick myself up

But I don’t go anywhere

I try to be okay

But don’t tell you could could make it every day

If you were me

You wouldn’t be alive

 

Bury myself in the ground

I don’t know if I can trust the sounds

That enter my ears

They’re my biggest fears

I die each time I try

But I lie to myself when I say I am fine

Tell me I’m something, but I won’t believe

I’m nothing more than my fantasies

They are nightmares, but they aren’t really there

They surround me, they’re everywhere

I’m nothing

 

This is done

But I haven’t won

I’m through, but the boulder

Weighs a ton

It’s repressing me, undressing me

Making me naked to my fear

It’s stressing me, it’s pressing me

Down to the floor, I’m dying here

Get me out of here alive

Get me out of here alive

Infrared

I decided to post another poem today to make up for the days I have not posted. I wrote this one very quickly, as the words were pouring out of me. I didn’t have many second thoughts about it. I’m not going to say much about it, as the words say all I need to.


Almost to the edge

About to lose my head

This life is infrared

Off the spectrum

I don’t think I can take them

Take the people who are dropping

The bombs, stay calm

Before you hear them popping

There’s too much static in the stratosphere

Blocking out the words that I want to hear

The ones that say I’m fine

Not those that take up time

Just for the sake of wasting

My sanity that is slipping

With every comment that is thrown

From the evercoming clones

All alike, need to overthrow the reich

They act like they are mighty

I know they are flighty

Always changing to be like the others

Never sticking to their opinions

Yet they always end up winning

I need to win

I need to win

Nightlight

The dark is a scary place. You feel alone and are left to think of everything. Your brain wanders from the happiest of thoughts to places as black as the night. That is why I sleep with a nightlight. It keeps out the dark. This poem can be interpreted in many ways, but I did not take it literally. You can think about it any way you want to. Here is “Nightlight”, a poem to explain why we need a beacon to keep us going.


 

I keep a light on

Every night

Kept the monsters out

When I was younger

Now it keeps me

From going under

 

Under the dark

I can’t even start

To explain my fears

It’s scary out here

In the gloom of my room

And the dark of my heart

 

Allow me to stay here

Where I’ve been able to persevere

I’ve been able to keep it bright

In this room with a nightlight

I’m keeping strong

As I keep it on

The blackness is no match for me

 

Creaking, my future seems bleak

The end is coming, my god, I’m on my knees

In reality, I’m in bed

With apparitions floating in my head

This is not real, I can’t sit still

Not sure what to feel, I’ll touch the windowsill

At least I know it’s there

 

The nightlight shines the way

Leads me to another day

The night is a scary place to be

When someone’s alone, and that someone is me

Pray to God, my soul to keep

Sometimes it’s too dark to sleep