Drugged Castle

My hands are weak

My mind is strong

Telling me

There’s something wrong

 

My eyes droop

My legs don’t walk

My mouth won’t close

But it won’t talk

 

My hope falls down

The bathroom sink

My brain sleeps long

Won’t let me think

 

The mirror shows

What I’ve become

Tries to add up

I have no sum

 

Let me fall

Into the stars

So I’ll black out

Beyond the bars

 

They hold me in

but let me out

I guess release

Comes without doubt

 

Someday soon

The drugged castle

Will wake me up

Make colors from dull

 

Hopefully

One day my pills

Get used to me

I pray they will

 

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Should Have Prayed

Before I was too old

Should’ve been asleep

My blood turned to frosty cold

Didn’t ask my soul to keep

 

Praying before bed

Is not something that I do

I think of what the Bible said

How I will be renewed

 

Then the whole room turned to black

Except for a single face

Red with horns on his ugly mask

That turned out not to be fake

 

He told me where I would be left

Down beneath the soil

Where fire burned like dragon’s breath

Water hot enough to boil

 

If I didn’t follow him there

He’d have me carried below

By the fallen angel who would take care

Of throwing me down low

 

I tried, oh God, I tried

Prayed up above to set me free

Apparently in hell nobody cries

The first would not be me

 

Then my eyes finally returned

The fog cleared from my head.

I had no marks from being burned

The devil freed me back to bed

 

I ran faster than my ruminating fears

Crying with pain in eyes

They asked me about  why I had tears

I told them it was my time

 

Told them all about the red

And big horns sticking out

Evil grin and what he said

How he took me so far down

 

I  couldn’t stop from freaking out

Until they said I was wrong

They listened to each of my shouts

They hugged until I calmed

 

As a little girl I was scared

That’s not normal for me to think

They told me they found nothing there

It was only a  scary dream

 

I know it wasn’t in my head

Not an image in my sleep

It wasn’t a late night thought in bed

I know he had talked to me

 

Maybe that’s why I am who I’ve been

First sign of losing touch

I’ve lost it several times since then

But not nearly this much

 

The older I get, the more I see

My brain doing flips

How common this happens to me

My mind playing its tricks

 

Fear will never hold me back

And if the devil decides

He wants to threaten to attack

The victory will be mine

Counting Pixels, Counting Sheep

Another sleepless night

Roll over in the bed

Thoughts are liberated

When I go inside my head

 

Everything is darkness

Except for a little light

Keeping me from dying

So I’ll make it through tonight

 

Tomorrow isn’t given

It is not set in stone

But every second I’m asleep

I am never alone

 

Monsters enter my head

When I try to close my eyes

Trying to ignore it

They whisper pretty lies

 

I can’t hear them as I run

The bridge is over there

It starts to break and I’m stuck

In the middle of nowhere

I wake up with red cheeks

Sweaty hair and  chapped lips

Fear I am broken again

I turn on and off my switch

 

On to see my future

When the past takes it away

Brighter  in the living room

Except for the lampshade

 

Off to change the bulb

So days won’t be so long

Night means all the shadows

Until you switch it on

 

I stay up late to write

So I don’t have to sleep

I start counting pixels

Instead of counting sheep

 

Bed should beckon me inside

Pillows should call my name

When I get under the sheets

I feel a sense of shame

 

Shame for my problems

Shame for nightmares

Afraid I will not wake up

Afraid. I’m already there

 

So when I try to handle

Every sleepless night

I don’t know if I’m better

Or I’m running for my life

Charcoal

Note: This is not how I am feeling right now at all. I just had an idea and went with it. Do not worry for me, I am better than ever!

These nightmares fill my brain

Swirl around make me insane

Kills me with each REM

These alpha waves are not my friend

Each creature that disturbs my sleep

Is supposed to die with the clock’s beep

But it stays with me throughout the day

I can’t make these dreams go away

 

I live to love, but I don’t love to live

Want to share my hope, but there’s none to give

Every waking hour fills me with dread

To be alive is to have an empty head

To have an empty head is to have an empty heart

A heart doesn’t beat when it won’t even start

Keep me in your thoughts while I turn to dust

I’ll stay on the ground until my screws start to rust

 

And I hate the mirror staring back at me

A reflection of everything I don’t want to be

I try to grin to wipe away the hate

But with every blink, my face changes shape

One minute I’m a thief stealing conversation

I don’t deserve my own conservation

People talk but I drown them out

With my own thoughts of hate and self doubt

 

So I’ll try to sleep, but the monsters will come

The other shape I take is that of no one

Rub the charcoal to blur out my eyes

So I can’t see my whole life flashing by

Everyone is a rainbow but I am just gray

A pencil outlines each word that I say

A drawing and nothing more that has come to life

All I can hope is this is just “good night”