Price To Pay

Broken mirrors show the truth

We are all pieces

We are the youth

Daughters and sons

Of the hollow ones

 

We have no inside

We’re skin shaped with scars

Shatters of shimmers

Glasses that glimmer

Ready to cut our wrists

 

Our wrists are empty

No point in cutting deeper

Blood flows aplenty

 

Shards of hate weave through our past

One needle in, one needle out

Sewing our future to the past

So we can’t outrun it

So we can’t get away

Our whole tomorrow depends on today

We better make it the best

Or it’ll be our price to pay

 

Chandeliers of golden days

Swinging as I knock it down

A pinata with a fancy name

Instead of candy, it rains tears

Lands as a crown of my fears

 

A crown of thorns made just for me

Red of blood, crimson down my dress

white of sleep and purest dreams

 

Shards of hate weave through our past

One needle in, one needle out

Sewing our future to the past

So we can’t outrun it

So we can’t get away

Our whole tomorrow depends on today

We better make it the best

Or it’ll be our price to pay

 

Love makes ends

When hate won’t mend

Am I Schizoaffective or Bipolar?

“If there were 10 psychiatrists, five of them would say you had schizoaffective disorder, and five would say you had bipolar with autism.”

This is how my psychiatrist appointment came to a close today.

My appointment actually went pretty well today. I didn’t breakdown, and I was completely honest. I’d say that those are two check marks on my report card in psychiatry land. My appointment had been set for this afternoon, but then got changed to 8:40 this morning due to my doctor having to switch his plans around.

I got to the appointment and was the second person in there. I had to pay today, which I normally don’t have to do. That was a little frustrating, as I had to learn how to use a card with a chip on it. It ended up being easier than swiping, so I was happy about that. I then sat down and waited.

Normally, I have to wait for a few minutes in the main waiting room, and then move to the comfy couch waiting room to wait for my doctor. Today, I didn’t have to wait with the comfy couch as I was his first patient of the day.

I went in, and he asked me all of the typical questions. “How are you?”, “How is your mood?” “Can you feel any changes from your medicine?” and so on. I answered as truthfully as I could.

He adjusted my medicine, increasing my newest one and decreasing an older one. We are working on getting me down to two or three medicines instead of six. That will be nice, not having to take so many pills a day.

I then brought up that he had put the wrong diagnosis o my check-out form again. He responded that I had to have my diagnosis say that so I’d be allowed to take the medicine I was recently put on.

I asked him if I actually had it, and he told me the statement at the beginning of this post. I wondered why that was the case. I guess every doctor has different views. I asked him if he thought I had it, and he stuck by his five this and five that answer, so I really don’t know what my diagnosis is.

It shouldn’t matter what the diagnosis is, but I would like to know. Maybe someday my doctor will know better and have better insight into my disorder. It would be comforting to have a name to my illness.

Schizoaffective or Bipolar, I am still the same person. I do want to know, but it doesn’t really change who I am. No label will define me.

My Favorite Friend

Brush the dust off your patched jeans

Come along, dive in with me

The ocean looks like it’s too deep

But we’ll touch the sea shelled floor   

 

Falling head over heels

We’ll take off our training wheels

My heart is yours to steal

And I’ll keep yours forever more

 

Open up the unlocked door

 

Let me enter your daydreams

You endlessly jump into mine

This trampoline bounces too high

But I’m not coming down

I’m ready to touch the clouds

You make me feel alive again

My first in line, my favorite friend

I’ll bend over backwards for you

 

Treehouse mates and dinner plates

Broken glass and writing slates

Writing notes until it’s late

Then the floor caves in

 

We float looking at the ground

The whole world has turned upside down

Gravity gave up its crown

Asking “Where have you been?”

 

“We’ve been caught up in the wind”

 

Let me enter your daydreams

You endlessly jump into mine

This trampoline bounces too high

But I’m not coming down

I’m ready to touch the clouds

You make me feel alive again

My first in line, my favorite friend

 

We’ll stay up and we’ll go low

When we stop, no one will know

No even us, no where to go

 

Let me enter your daydreams

You endlessly jump into mine

This trampoline bounces too high

But I’m not coming down

I’m ready to touch the clouds

You make me feel alive again

My first in line, my favorite friend

Deep Blue Sea

I want to fall

Into a deep blue sea

Where I can sleep forever

Or at least until the sun comes up

I can live in the darkness no longer

I must raise my hands above my head

Shake them so someone

Will find me

Suffering

Stuck in the riptide

Going back and forth

Land and ocean

Ocean and land

Trying to break free

From the moon’s pull on me

It will not drag me in

I’ll lay down on the ocean floor

With the seaweed as my bed

Wrapped around like a mummy

Until a swordfish comes along

Cuts me out and tells me everything is

Okay

I will rise above

I see the light, and not the bad one

I see the sunshine of life

Not the flashlight in my eyes watching

For God, if he exists

Any god wouldn’t put me through this

The I remember

Trial and error is the only way to learn

He is teaching me I need to struggle

To climb up out of the ocean

And become one with the sky

Alive, even after all of the drowning

We must fail to thrive

We must die to survive

Photo Shoots Of LEGO Dudes

If there is one activity I love more than *gasp* writing, it is building LEGOs. I am obsessed with building, creating and the magic of having a new project in front of me. It is exhilarating to feel the rush when you hold a brick in your hand, ready to be made into something that comes from your own head.

I have been a fan of LEGOs for a while now, and am only getting started on my journey. I do more than just build. I also take pictures of the minifigures, or the little characters, in different situations. These pictures can be done outside, inside with a setup, or just wherever you happen to go. I’ve taken them to craft stores, restaurants, and a home store just to name a few. I plan on taking them to the park and the bookstore and hopefully some other places soon.

 

I have recently also fallen in love with the show ‘We Bare Bears”. There are three bears that live together and try to manage their life in the human world. I decided I just had to make the bears out of LEGOs and include them in the photoshoots. I have made some of my favorite pictures with them.

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These pictures were not going to just sit in my phone. No, I needed to share them. That is where Instagram comes in. I made my account, called photoshoots_of_legodudes, or Photo Shoots of Lego Dudes. I post my pictures almost every day, sometimes two or three a day. It is addicting to not only build, but to place them in the right positions, think of good ideas, and get the camera where you want it to go. It is really fun. My favorite and most popular character is Ice Bear from We Bare Bears. He can go on all sorts of silly adventures and he is my favorite character of any show ever.

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I am taking a photography class starting next week and hope to learn a little bit more about photography, and how to use a camera that is not on a cell phone. I can’t wait until I can learn how to take better pictures.

 

This Instagram idea has kept me busy, happy, and fulfilled. I love it, and I find myself feeling better when I am involved in the process. I have spent hours making backgrounds just to take four pictures using them. I don’t mind this. I love it and it is good for my mood and my self-control. Building and taking pictures takes some patience and motor skills, both things I need to work on. I am getting better with each flash of a camera.

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Untitled #2

I look at the other doors, where my brothers and sisters of soldierhood normally come out when we are under an emergency. This time, I was the only one coming out. I run next door to see if Steve was coming. I knocked on the door rapidly and loudly, but tried to keep my voice quiet. Didn’t need to see what came next if I screamed. Then I noticed I was knocking on a foreign object.. I wasn’t hitting wood. I was hitting a metal piece of what looked like a…body? I looked up and saw a face. With very angry eyes and sharp iron points inside of a shining hole. This was definitely not Steve, and I was definitely not in a safe situation. The metal piece of junk, which I guess was a robot, put up its scary looking stub with a blade at the end. He seemed prepared to attack, and I wasn’t prepared to fight.

The only option I had was to run. So I turned around, wishing I had worn my tennis shoes instead of my uniform ones. It hurt, but I was getting away. I looked around. Everyone’s door was gone and either had one or multiple of the robot creatures standing at it, ready to attack me at any minute. I had  no idea what to do. Then I had an awful thought.

Where were Iris and the kids?

I hightailed it back to my house. What if they’re gone? I didn’t have time to think negative thoughts now. I was on a not-so-secret mission to save what I thought was impossible.

I prepare to walk to the front door as quickly as possible. I breathe in, breathe out, and whisper my mantra again. I can do this, we’ll be safe, This is for the best. I try to get my key out, but notice one  of the metal creatures chasing me down. I frantically reach for the doorknob until I was surrounded. I then had an idea.

I headed to the window and broke it with one punch. Those beasts couldn’t make it through a window, right?

Then I looked around. There was glass everywhere, not just where I broke the window.

“ROGER!?!?” I heard Iris scream.

I looked down the stairs and saw tire tracks on the steps. I saw my littlest girl looking up with tears in her eyes.

“Sara, go back to where I told you to go!” Iris demanded

“Roger…Roger? They took the baby. They took Finn.”

One Brick

Each piece I roll in my hand

Wondering what creation should

Come next

Will I build a car?

A house?

A whole new world?

I can create whatever I want

With each brick, I have a

New frontier

A new place to start again

And again

And again

I can tear it apart

Build it back up

Then pull it again

The ideas are limitless

Unless you put up a limit

Your brain is magical

Full of surprises

Twists and turns

New ideas improve old ones

New ways to make an old friend

A spark with each tower

Inspiration when a new platform arrives

We can’t change the whole world

But we can improve it with

Smiles and laughter

New friends and old friends

Creativity and teamwork

Solitude, but learning

There are so many ways to create a better

Planet

One brick at a time