Sleep Belongs To Them

At night

When the lights turn to stars

When the thoughts don’t go far

They race around like a dog chasing his tail

 

The dog sits down

After the fire does its  job

Burning down each happy thought

While the scary ones never fail

 

To make me feel

Like a child again

One who only wanted a friend

Instead bumped heads with a monster

 

When bumping turns

To connecting and a beautiful mess

That leads into lifelong stress

There is no way to stop her

 

The girl who thought

Someone was by her side

In the loneliest of times

She trusted too much

 

Did what they want

No matter the cost

The addiction never stopped

When a smile turned to a touch

 

Now at night

She lays in bed

Picking through the fight going on in her head

Each memory leads to a dream

 

A nightmare

Is the correct name for this fear

It feels like they are really here

Night is the hardest part of the 24 hours

 

A being with deep shame

It’s all my fault

Even when told it is not

 

Trying to help others

While denying she needs help too

Burns as quietly as a coffee lefr ro brew

It shouldn’t be this way

 

I’ll let this go for now

While I take care of myself

My severed heart and mental health

I know that tomorrow they’ll come back to ruin my day

 

But for tonight

I’ll push these thoughts to the side

Hope my medicine will do what’s right

Take away this nightmare

 

Take away the intrusive thoughts

Throw away the flashbacks

My fears go in the trash

But I’ll always know they are there

 

Haunting me

 

Killing me

 

Turning into the ghost they always thought was there’s

 

But I will not belong to anyone except for
Me

Driver

I’ve been lost

Left alone on the highway

I watch the cars go by

Wish one would come my way

 

Pick me up and take me

To a world without the pain

That runs through my blood

As I sit still in the rain

 

It never seems to get

Any easier than it is now

Which is not easy at all

I might as well throw in the towel

 

My towel is my shelter

Keeps me safe from falling hail

Without all the protection

There’s no way I would prevail

 

The towel tatters with each ball

Of ice that hits my head

It falls apart like I do

When my brains wants me to be dead

 

The world is a scary place

For someone with no strength

I run from each distraction

Though I’ll never know the length

 

I look on while each car passes by

Not giving me a glance

They slide on down the icy road

While I’m not given a chance

 

Why do I do this to myself?

Why can’t I just be fine?

Maybe someday one of those cars

Will gladly become mine

 

For now, I must keep hanging on

So I’ll be a survivor

But for now I’ll just sit here

And imagine I’m a driver

 

I’ll Be Okay (I’m Not Okay)

Yesterday

Not so hard to remember

The past should be

Easy to forget

When the past feels

Like the winter

And the meds feel like it’s summer

Which one would you choose?

A snowstorm of power

Taken and given away

When the person who destroyed you

Reminds you every moment

Your thoughts take you back

To the place with no return

The flashbacks burn your memory

Takes over each minute

Each minute worse than the last

Each second filled with hurt

Feels like you live in the presence

With who makes you feel alone

Alone even when you are

In a room filled with people

Ready to drag you down

Emotions swirl around your head

Drunk on sadness

High on fear

Every day feels like a battle

With yourself and not with him

He is the reason you

Stay awake at night

Filled with racing thoughts

And the race ends with a bang

A crash that digs you in the sand

With the tide coming up close

You need to get away

But he stays in your mind

You can’t get rid of him

Or the property he built for himself

Inside your aching brain

Hoping it will go away

But that day never comes

Maybe one day I will

Forgive myself for giving in

And letting him win

 

I refuse to let the pain

Stay around for one more day

I’ll get it out, and I’ll be fine

No more reason to worry about me

 

I’m okay

 

I’m not okay

 

She Hopes In The Night

She sits while she remembers

All the things that hold her back

Each memory that defines her

Keep on trying to attack

 

A moment for the sunset

Is her moment to be scared

Night time brings the monsters out

And her legs become impaired

 

She can’t run away from her thoughts

Can’t discriminate the dreams from truth

When her nightmares decide to come

They take her to her youth

 

Each word that was exclaimed

Each unwanted touch

Plays over in her memory

Threatening to become too much

 

We scream with her as she fights

To be free from her past

Hopefully this fear won’t take over

She hopes it is her last

 

The parts of her mind that aren’t

Tainted by the shadows of pain

Won’t leave without a painful “Bye”

“Good” has no spot in her brain

 

It’s scary to feel alone

When she’s the main focus of them all

At least, that it what she feels

When in fact her presence is small

 

Each time she lays down in her bed

Evaluating her life

She prays her demons won’t come out

But their eyes fill up the night

 

Don’t worry about her, she says

I’m fine, no need for alarm

It’s those times when she needs love most

So she’ll feel free from harm

 

One night is not enough

Time to dispel the ghosts

But it is the perfect length

To find a little hope

 

Hope will break the chains off

She’ll fly like she’s a dove

All she needs is a little time

And a person who shows true love

 

The Journey: PTSD

The last time I was in the hospital, I finally opened up about some things that have been bothering me for years. I was sick of keeping it all inside and it was affecting me in a particularly bad way this stay. Finally, after four years of dealing with this, I was diagnosed with PTSD. I had heard the diagnosis thrown around before, when I told a little bit about the incidents, but I had never really talked about it fully. I didn’t even disclose everything while I was at the hospital, but they had enough info to diagnose, I guess.

 

I have dealt with flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, jumpiness, and nightmares for about 4 years. To anyone who does not know much about PTSD, it is super scary. You feel on edge every second of your life. I can’t even stay home alone for any long amount of time. When I was in college and had to walk to my therapist’s office every other week, I was on constant surveillance walking downtown. It is not an easy thing to deal with.

 

I finally had a full disclosure with my therapist of five years. We had touched on it in the past, but this was the first time in the four years that I had ever been full-frontal about the issue. She is honestly the best therapist I could ask for.

 

She told me that she would never dismiss anything I said, unlike other therapists I had in the past. She took the time to tell me that what happened was not my fault. She told me that I was allowed to feel what I needed to, and we would discuss the topic as often or as little as I wanted to. I feel completely comfortable with her. I feel as if that is a sign that she is the perfect therapist for me. So many therapists before her while I was in hospitals wouldn’t take the time to listen to me, and she does. She makes me feel like I am a real person who deserves to be cared for and have a voice. I am so thankful for her.

 

To any of you all experiencing PTSD: All of our situations are different. We all experience this in different ways, but we are a community. We need to stand up and help each other. If we all band together, and take care of ourselves and each other, the battle might become a little easier. It will never be simple, but we can help each other through the toughest times. Even if we are uncomfortable to say the details, just sharing that you have PTSD can make people feel less alone
I hope that I and all of you can find peace after the storm. The storm is going to be a journey to get through, but it will happen, slowly and at our own pace. Take care of yourself, my friends.

Hospitals, Medicines, and All That

O was set on writing a World Bipolar Day article, but I couldn’t do it. Not because it isn’t important, no it’s not that. World Bipolar Day is very important, but I do not have the capability to write a post like that at the moment.

 

Many of you all know that I recently got released from the hospital a few days ago. This was my tenth hospitalization in five years. I had two hospitalization-free  years between age 16-17, but those years were not without their troubles. I’ll talk about that in another post.

 

It is March, and I’ve already been in the hospital twice this year. I do not want to make this a pattern and am currently praying that there will be no more.

 

The most recent hospitalization was 13 days long. This was my longest adult hospitalization I’ve ever had. I should have seen this coming. When I started seriously writing on this blog, I was extremely manic. I was able to write 3 articles for each day and sometimes a couple more on top of that which would be saved for later. I was tweeting 50 times a day and able to stay up late at night writing and communicate with my followers. This was the beginning of my mania

 

Do NOT get me wrong. Mania is not fun at all. The reason I got sent to the hospital was my medication-induced mania. I was out shopping with my parents, when all of the sudden my mother said a little thing and I bursted out crying and was not able to be handled. I felt as if there were bugs crawling up and down my body. There were purple rashes all over my body from where I’d been scratching the “bugs”. I was not in good shape.

 

After much discussion and me exclaiming that I was fine and didn’t need to go the hospital, I ended up in the emergency room at our local hospital. I had to wait a while, but I finally got taken back and -guess what- waited even more. I was in the emergency room until 6 am the next day after being told I probably wasn’t going to be admitted. The doctor finally decided that I should be admitted. Unfortunately, the ward in the hospital I was at was completely filled, as were most of them all over the state. They finally found me one at a hospital 2 ½ hours away from home. This was not an ideal situation, but I least I was going to get some help.

 

The hospital was helpful in many ways, but man, did they screw with my medicine. I was put on four new medications while I was there, was told that one pill I was on was not in my records (Finally after two days they gave it to me), and changed the timing of all my meds.

 

I now take 6 different pills in different combinations four times a day. I was put on an antipsychotic, a stimulant, a pill to help my hands stop shaking and keep my muscles from becoming stiff, and a blood pressure medicine to help with nightmares.

My problem with the blood pressure medicine is that the pressure has to be over 100 on top, and my blood pressure barely gets there. I wasn’t able to take it a couple days after coming home because my pressure was too low.

 

I got a new diagnosis while I was at the hospital as well : PT’SD. I’m not and will never share the details of this with you all, but I want other people with PTSD to know that I might not have the same experiences as you,but I understand what you are going through. It sucks that after four years, I am still experiencing the symptoms. I have nightmares, flashbacks, am super jumpy, and am sincerely scared every day of my life. I know how awful it is. I’ve never really shared the fact that I am like this at, but I wanted to let people know they are not alone.

 

This hospital stay might have had it’s flaws, but it sure helped me. I hope it sticks around for a long time. I hope I stick around for a long time