Growing Pains

I need to know

If my mind is okay

If it’s normal to be afraid

Of the monsters running rampant

In this old decrepit skull

 

I run around the school track

Fear is rushing into me

Adrenaline is all I bleed

Except for when the scars

Open up when I look far back

 

Nothing is true in this atmosphere

Trust me when I say

I might trust my brain someday

When the bloom comes through the cracks

But the pain is already here

 

Growing pains come around

When your soul breaks apart

And patches your heart

With dark images

Until your hope falls down

 

I try to run but I’m stuck

They all tell me to stay away

The demons all scream my name

My ears can’t handle this any more

In this world, there is no luck

 

I can’t stop trying to believe

All the sights I comprehend

All the messages my body sends

Tell a story that seems like folklore

The truth is that the pages are drowning me

 

Help me, I scream as I fall below

Then someone grabs my hand

Saying things I can’t understand

They grab me and take me away

Into the world of never-know

 

I call the names of the ones I have left

I see Jesus in the corner of my eye

Wondering when we’ll get to the sky

I am one of the monsters now

I wish you life, I wish you death

I’ll Keep Living Until I Pop

I’m in a situation

Where I can’t seem to find

A light at the end

No imaginary friends

I want everything to be fine

 

I’m in a bit of a car wreck

Where the only survivor is me

I look around

No one to be fine

I guess only I can see

 

I’m falling apart into pieces

That nobody can restore

I try to stand still

But my brain never will

And will forevermore

 

I’m turning into a monster

Who scan’t speak or think straight

I growl to my peers

I pull off their ears

So they don’t hear all my self hate

 

I’m trying so hard to grow up

Hanging on until the day

When I can take the pill

And stop writing my will

So the pain will all go away

 

I’m not suicidal at all

Yes I have had my thoughts

The screaming inside

The tears I have cried

Makes me know I need to stop

 

I’m not in the mood to be happy

Not possibility now

I’m not going to lie

I know I’ll be fine

But the emotions fly out

 

I’m going to keep trying

Who knows if I’ll succeed

I’d rather do well

Learn how to handle hell

Than go to heaven and impede

 

I’m sick of the whole world

I’ll keep living until I pop

That will be some time

Not easy, not prime

My life has reason to not stop

Charcoal

Note: This is not how I am feeling right now at all. I just had an idea and went with it. Do not worry for me, I am better than ever!

These nightmares fill my brain

Swirl around make me insane

Kills me with each REM

These alpha waves are not my friend

Each creature that disturbs my sleep

Is supposed to die with the clock’s beep

But it stays with me throughout the day

I can’t make these dreams go away

 

I live to love, but I don’t love to live

Want to share my hope, but there’s none to give

Every waking hour fills me with dread

To be alive is to have an empty head

To have an empty head is to have an empty heart

A heart doesn’t beat when it won’t even start

Keep me in your thoughts while I turn to dust

I’ll stay on the ground until my screws start to rust

 

And I hate the mirror staring back at me

A reflection of everything I don’t want to be

I try to grin to wipe away the hate

But with every blink, my face changes shape

One minute I’m a thief stealing conversation

I don’t deserve my own conservation

People talk but I drown them out

With my own thoughts of hate and self doubt

 

So I’ll try to sleep, but the monsters will come

The other shape I take is that of no one

Rub the charcoal to blur out my eyes

So I can’t see my whole life flashing by

Everyone is a rainbow but I am just gray

A pencil outlines each word that I say

A drawing and nothing more that has come to life

All I can hope is this is just “good night”

Helping People Helps Me

Working with special needs children has always been a love of mine. My love of helping these amazing individuals when I was about 13 years old. I had not been around many people with special needs, except for a woman, who I love, at my church. She has down syndrome and is the most loving individual you could ever meet. She makes little cards during the church service that say “I love you” and gives the best fist bump you will ever receive. Other than her, I had not been exposed to many people with special needs. Then, I found out about a place called Ride With Pride. The whole concept for the place is phenomenal. It is a horse barn for people with special needs.They not only learn how to ride a horse, but how to take care of one. It improves their self esteem and teaches them how to be independant. I loved the idea, so I applied to be a volunteer there. Working with those children was one of the best things I have ever done. Some were autistic and some had physical disabilities. Others had trouble with social skills. I remember one girl I worked with. We connected immediately, which is a big deal. She had trouble with social skills and anger. It was difficult for her to open up to people, but we grew close. I don’t know a lot about horses, but helping her come out of her shell was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. I have since stopped working there, but her smile and hugs stick with me.

When I was hospitalized at the beginning of my journey, there was a boy, probably about 15. While he was older than me, he was severely developmentally disabled. I loved that boy, in the way that I wanted to help him as much as I could. The only person at the time who he would listen to was me. He had an obsession with “guns” and would “shoot” them all of the time, pretending with his arms. Nobody could get him to stop, but I finally figured out a way. I would pretend to call the cops with my hand. I’m not sure that he realized that I was not, but he responded well. I could get him to listen to me and do what he was supposed to when nobody else could. He was a very special boy to me, and I will always remember him.

During another hospital stay, there was a girl about a year or so younger than me. She was socially awkward and possibly had Asperger’s syndrome. I’m definitely not a doctor, but she showed many of the characteristics. These were not flaws though. They made her better. First of all, she was obsessed, and I mean OBSESSED with Rihanna. She could talk about her for hours if you let her. During her most hyper moments. you had to get her to stop if you wanted to talk about something else. We had a lot of fun together, and she listened to me. Her hugs were amazing, because she didn’t give them to many people. They came sparingly, but I loved them.

Another moment I remember is going to an assisted living home with my grandmother. It is a place for people with disabilities and folks who need a little extra help getting back on their feet. Halloween was the first time that I went. We threw a party for them and met several of the people. They would tell you their stories, and one man stuck out to me. He was a man who could not talk very well and was in a wheelchair. That did not damper his personality at all. He told me his story about how he had been in a car accident and had gotten badly hurt. It makes you think about how you are when you are in a car. He told me to always make sure I am wearing a seatbelt. I always think about it and him when I get into a car. When I went back for Christmas, he remembered me, and we talked some more. I loved the other residents as well. We gave them presents, handed out food, and and Christmas carols with them. It was a great experience.

A job with children that have special needs would make me extremely happy. Music journalism is still my number one goal, but for the time being, I am planning on pursuing a major in psychology and go to graduate school either to get my doctorate in occupational therapy, or a masters in Applied Behavior Analysis. You might not have hear of one or both of these things, so let me explain. Occupational therapy is the job of helping people live their daily life. You might help a geriatric patient learn how to get in a bathtub, teach an autistic kid social skills, or help people with mental illness manage their emotions among other things. The job basically helps improve a patient’s quality of life. Independent living is the main goal for the people you help. I had an occupational therapist work with me while I was at a hospital, and that really showed me how much I loved the job and what it did. Below is a video to show you a bit more about the career:

http://https://www.youtube.comr/watch?v=D9yQJZI6kEw

Applied behavior analysis is a little bit different. For starters, the technician works mainly with children with autism. You help the child end their problematic behaviors and reward their positive ones. Getting the child accustomed to daily life is the hope for every ABA. Both jobs seem like a good fit for me. A video is below to show you more about ABA:

I did not write this post to brag about how I am good with those with special needs. I wrote it to talk about my passion for helping others. My goal is to share with you my hopes for the future. Occupational therapy has been an option for a long time, while ABA has been around much shorter for me. I believe that occupational therapy is higher up on my list, but I am still considering ABA, as it sounds great as well. Decisions are difficult for me, but I have plenty of time. That is good, as I have switched ideal jobs many many times. I will figure it out, but until then, I will explore.

Ctrl Alt Delete

I’m in a strange place right now. It is sort of a mix between depression and mania, but not on even ground. It is weird. At moments I am super high, while others I don’t know what to do. I’m hoping I figure this out, but until then, I am going to write.

These lyrics are a dramatization of how I am feeling. It is hard to feel like this when you want everything to be fine. Feeling like you are floating is the greatest, but the rock pulls you under. I hate it, but I know I’ll get out. Anyway, here is “Ctrl Alt Delete”.

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Happiness

Not one of my friends

Want it to come so much it hurts

But instead I’m knocked down when loneliness lurks

It stays around and makes you want

To wipe your smile and leave its smirk

 

I don’t want to keep on going

If this is how life’s going to be

I’ll throw in the towel

So ctrl, alt, delete my mind

Make it erase so I don’t know I’m alive

Before, and now, and after this

I want to rewind and just forget

I want to get over it

I want to move on with my life

 

Nobody’s perfect

But I’m not even worth it

Not worth getting help

I look at myself

Try to figure out I how I messed up

It’s lack of hope, not lack of love

Well love’s one thing I’ve never felt

 

I roll in disaster

Destroy, don’t think about after

I don’t want to keep on going

If this is how life’s going to be

I’ll throw in the towel

So ctrl, alt, delete my mind

Make it erase so I don’t know I’m alive

Before, and now, and after this

I want to rewind and just forget

I want to get over it

I want to move on with my life

 

I’ll move on when I’m good and ready

Which may be way after you are

Let me go at my own pace

Recovery is a journey

Not a race

Voices

I have not posted in a while, because, as always, life is very busy. I had a poem planned to be the next one release, but then realized I needed to get something out. It has been a rough few days, and this poem/song helps release those emotions. This is “Voices”.

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Scary people scaring me

While I scare my family

I run away and try to fade

Into the back, but I try to stay

To the front

Is it bad I want

This to end right now

 

Bury myself in the ground

I don’t know if I can trust the sounds

That enter my ears

They’re my biggest fears

I die each time I try

But I lie to myself when I say I am fine

Tell me I’m something, but I won’t believe

I’m nothing more than my fantasies

They are nightmares, but they aren’t really there

They surround me, they’re everywhere

I’m nothing

 

I stop and stare

At what’s not there

I pick myself up

But I don’t go anywhere

I try to be okay

But don’t tell you could could make it every day

If you were me

You wouldn’t be alive

 

Bury myself in the ground

I don’t know if I can trust the sounds

That enter my ears

They’re my biggest fears

I die each time I try

But I lie to myself when I say I am fine

Tell me I’m something, but I won’t believe

I’m nothing more than my fantasies

They are nightmares, but they aren’t really there

They surround me, they’re everywhere

I’m nothing

 

This is done

But I haven’t won

I’m through, but the boulder

Weighs a ton

It’s repressing me, undressing me

Making me naked to my fear

It’s stressing me, it’s pressing me

Down to the floor, I’m dying here

Get me out of here alive

Get me out of here alive

Annalise

Wow. I have not written in a while. I have been extremely busy with marching band and a college visit. The good news is that I have decided that I am going to commit to the college I visited. I sat in on a French Literature class and that pretty much sold me. I have never taken French a day in my life, but the way the class was set up convinced me that I need to go to this school.

This song I have written has taken me a few days because I have had so little time to write it. I was inspired by my last post and the singer I was talking about. This song takes a spin on what he dealt with and has really made me think. It was a hard poem to write, as I do not have much experience with this subject, but I tried my hardest. The name of the girl in this writing is Annalise, which means graced with God’s bounty. The hope is that this girl can pick herself up and live up to her name. I know she is not real, but this can ring true for anybody struggling.

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She wakes up each morning

Guesses the last warning

was not enough

to keep her from the demons

That only come when she’s drinking

Take over her body

Her eyes are bloodshot

In the middle, big dots

Letting in too much light

It was a rough night

 

Don’t pick it up

Or you’ll have to pick up the pieces

Annalise, that’s enough

You took more than you needed

You don’t need it at all

But your bottle was dark and tall

Filled to the brim with booze

And everything you have to lose

Don’t let it go, Annalise

So you’ll never have to choose

Life over being dead

Using your senses or losing your head

You’ve bit off more than you can chew

Annalise, it’s up to you

 

Wakes up in a stranger’s bed

Doesn’t remember one thing she said

Did she screw things up?

Apparently the answer is yes

With a messed up frown and torn up dress

Her life is much more than a mess

She wakes up before it’s too late

She steps quietly onto the floor

Let’s her memories fade as she walk out the door

 

Don’t pick it up

Or you’ll have to pick up the pieces

Annalise, that’s enough

You took more than you needed

You don’t need it at all

But your bottle was dark and tall

Filled to the brim with booze

And everything you have to lose

Don’t let it go, Annalise

So you’ll never have to choose

Life over being dead

Using your senses or losing your head

You’ve bit off more than you can chew

Annalise, it’s up to you

 

She looks in the mirror and at her messed up hair

She doesn’t but she wants to care

The whole world is numb

Why was she so dumb?

She misses so much when she’s drunk

But it’s too late to fix it

It’s easy to forget

When you screw yourself up

 

Don’t pick it up

Or you’ll have to pick up the pieces

Annalise, that’s enough

You took more than you needed

You don’t need it at all

But your bottle was dark and tall

Filled to the brim with booze

And everything you have to lose

Don’t let it go, Annalise

So you’ll never have to choose

Life over being dead

Using your senses or losing your head

You’ve bit off more than you can chew

Annalise, it’s up to you

Annalise remember

What you’ve gained in pushing away

You’ve lost in everything else

Those few drinks will not stay

While what comes afterward will

Every memory that remains

Will be the ones you will hate

 

Burden

It is the weekend, a time that is difficult for many. I know it used to be difficult for me, as there was no structured time and not much to do. There are many temptations. It is hard to stay away from them, but it is necessary that you stay away from them. Stay strong and hold on until Monday. You’ll make it.

Today’s poem for the sixth day of National Suicide Prevention Week is about a feeling I have dealt with many times. Feeling as if you are bringing somebody else down is terrible. You don’t let others know how you are because you don’t want to hurt them. This poem explains that if you put yourself out there, no matter how horrible you feel, things can get better. The girl in this poem is reminiscent of myself when I was in a very dark place. I realized that others are there for me, even if you feel like the world is against you. You are NOT a burden. You are going through a rough spot, and that might be hard for others to deal with, but you are a source of joy for the person trying to help you. They will want you to reach out to them.

Take care of yourself and enjoy this poem. Here is “Burden”

 

You feel you are heavy

On someone else’s shoulder

You feel you are under

A boulder of hate

It’s too much to bear

You are going under

The rain has begun

But the thunder is late

 

The lightning it hits you

You fall to your knees

Say “I can’t take this

Please, help me I swear

I’ll make myself better

I won’t try to be right

Just save me from myself

Tonight, take me there

To a place I am wanted

A place there is love

A place where I am

enough and liked

I am a burden

I weigh people down

So please get me out

Of this town, out of this life”

 

Someone will take you out

But they will help you first

Get you somewhere safe

You won’t get hurt, you’ll be fine

There will be open arms

And many kind words

The journey is hard

But you deserve to cross the line

 

Just ask for support

I promise they will

If they have helped before

They still will be there

If no one has stepped up

To lead you before

Call someone, they will help you

I’m sure the will care