I fight everyday against myself. My brain is not happy with who I am, yet it is the one making me who I am. Life is a constant war, where one every five battles I win. Don’t get me wrong, there are times when I win four out of five, and everything is going well.
This does not mean that I don’t struggle throughout the battles. It is so hard. Yes, I have ammunition. I can self soothe by listening to music. I can deep breathe as long as I need to. This takes away the pain for a little bit. It always seems to come back at the most inconvenient times.
My parents have pointed out that when things are going well for me, my life falls apart. I thrive at college until my body breaks down. I get a job, and all hell breaks loose. There are many more examples of this.
I realize this pattern as well. I try to deny it, but I know it is true. I also know why. Success is a scary concept for me. When I am doing well, I worry that everything is going to fall down, and it does. I know that if I succeed, people are going to expect more of me, and I’ll have to live up to their expectations. This is a very real fear for me. I love getting good grades, or a good opportunity, but I feel pressured to do even more and be expected to be responsible. I hate responsibility, because I feel like I am going to fail.
That is another fear of mine. I am a big perfectionist. It started around second grade. I missed one question on a spelling test, and ending up going home due to an upset stomach caused by anxiety. It only got worse from there. I feel that if I fail, things will never be better, and I will be a failure. I fear I will be nothing.
Being a perfectionist has led to a lot more things than bad grades. I’ve given up on piano, guitar, and piano due to being told I’m good at it, and I then feel like I can’t do any better. This leads to my fears of failure and success. If I keep going, I’ll be expected to do more, and I am afraid I won’t be able to do it. I am told that I am really good, and I quit before I can get any better because I want to make sure the last memory I have is that I am good at it.Perfectionism has also led to body image issues as well. I’ve dealt with starving myself, vomiting up my food, and binging. This is all because I was told I was fat a few times, and I decided I couldn’t be “perfect” unless I was skinnier. I exercised a lot, and participated in the negative eating behavior I mentioned above. I lost a lot of weight, and was told I looked good, so I kept losing more. I didn’t believe them. I was ugly. I was fat. I was a person who didn’t deserve love. These were all thoughts going on in my head, and they still do come sometimes. I haven’t participated in the behavior for around six months now. I think about going back every day, but i am learning how to control that aspect of myself.
Failure and success all come with life. I know this. I wish it didn’t sometimes, but other times I am glad. Well, I’m never glad with failure. I never will be. That is just who I am. However, with success, I am learning that it is okay with each day. Step by step, I am getting higher up on the success ladder. I have made many improvements. I’ve also had setbacks, which lead to the feelings of failure that haunt me. The path to success will not come without failure. Each failure is followed by ten successes, and might take a few steps back. To that I say:
YOU CAN’T STOP ME