My Experience With Residential 2

When I have to be on a team that expects me to want to win, try again. I’m not the person you want. We played a lot of games with balls and running, probably my least two favorite things about sports. I guess that is why I don’t play any. They also had a climbing wall, which I never did because of a fear of falling off and insecurity that people were going to watch me.

Part of RT was getting to go to the pool every week, I can’t swim, but being in the water and playing beach ball volleyball over a net (beach balls are an exception to my fear), and use kickboards and noodles. It was very fun, and I;n

Christmas was a special day at the hospital. We got to help plan a Christmas Show, where we sang, made up dance, and I got to read a poem I had written about Christmas. We performed it, and my grandparents came down to watch it.  We also got special Christmas pajamas on Christmas Eve, based on our likes. I got Hello Kitty pajamas. We also had written down a list of things we wanted for presents.  They then put it on  tree for people to pick up and give a few gifts to people. I got all Hello Kitty stuff, which I love and still have.

We had school every day. I have another blog about this, which will explain what the schooling is like as an inpatient.

We also had group a few days a week, When a new person came, they would be in a typical group, with music, birthday cakes,  and therapeutic talk. The music came from people choosing their most meaningful song. I believe I chose Blood For Poppies by Garbage because it talks about missing home and your dog, which I could definitely agree with.

We also had DBT. We learned a lot of skills to regulate our emotions, self soothe, and how to let things pass. My therapist and another chooses from the girls based on behavior. No boys were allowed in the meetings.

Every day was not a good day. For me,  I had a “honeymoon effect” where I was great for a while. Then things started to break down. I stopped eating, was psychotic, started cutting with anything sharp I could find, mostly paperclips. I also banged my head against the wall. I got restrained several times and sent to the quiet room with the door locked so I couldn’t get out.  I was forced to wear gowns instead of clothes and had to sleep on a mattress right by the staff so they could watch me. I was on 1:1, which meant no privacy. Right outside of the bathroom and when I ate. I couldn’t even leave the unit because of my symptoms. It was eventually decided that I was too sick to be on residential, That next day, I got moved to acute, where they could keep a closer eye on me. I stayed there five days, several that spent some time in the quiet room and strapped to the bed. On the acute side, they gave shots to calm you down, which I also was poked with a lot.

Eventually I was moved back to the residential side.I decided that I wanted to get better so I could leave and live a healthy life. When I was settled on the residential, I started my path to recovery.

 

Blood For Poppies- Garbage

 

 

l

I’m Not A Noun

People, places. things, and me

Don’t fit  into any category

I’m just a freak that didn’t fall off

This spinning, turning blue green rock

1ry to fall off the edge of it

Others live, and I exist

Just another being, filled with shame

who doesn’t even deserve a name

They tell me the edge is not real

The earth is round, so I have to stay here

The stars look enticing while the moon is not too high

It really doesn’t take too long to get to the sky

They try to keep me down and pour pills down my throat

Want to make me normal. but the meds take a toll

Each tablet down ’til the bottles gone

Then go to get more so I can move on

Sit down in an empty booth

Having flashbacks of the truth

Every step feels like I’m close to the end

Each heartbeat tells me it’s not my friend

Let me fall, cover me with snow

I’ll Rip Van Winkle for 100 years or so

Maybe by then, my life will be together

I doubt it will make me better

I’m not a noun, I’ll never be

Maybe a hyperbole

They’ll use my name in a simile

People, places, things, and me

The Bus

 

A slave to myself

Chained to a society

Telling us to eat less

Telling us to be skinny

While at the same time

Says you are beautiful

The way you are

That we don’t need to change

 

I want to change, though

I don’t know if for the positive

Or the negative

What is the positive

In this case?

Thin or healthy?

What about being healthy while being thin?

Let’s leave that fairy tale alone

 

Beautiful people have

Beautiful minds

What about me?

I guess that’s why my mind

Is ugly

The mirror stares back at me

Can’t stand my own reflection

While it tries not to puke when it sees me

 

Broken bodies and Broken souls

All add up to who I am

My body is my biggest enemy

My soul is cracked beyond belief

My head is a scary place to be in

My brain wants out so it can

Find a person who loves herself

It might not be easy

 

Other people stand alone

Waiting for the bus to sanity to arrive

While I get there ten minutes late

Maybe the next bus will take me to self-love

But I don’t have the change in me

To pay for the ride

All those aboard look at me and point

“She’s not going anywhere”

 

Well, I guess I’m stuck here for a while

Until I finally gain the courage

To not give in to the urges

That pick me up, then throws me down

I’ll be here waiting in the rain

Until I love myself again

Maybe a second, maybe a year

I might be 80 before it comes out

 

Someday the bus will come my way

Let me on and take me to

A world where I am fine with me

Where my loved ones are

Where I’m meant to be

The world I could find just by

Taking the blindfold off

Finally see that I am loved for me

Butterfingers

Sometimes
Things build up and get knocked down
Sometimes
I can’t hold on to the cliff
My hands slip off
and I look at the water below
Sometimes the world looks too tough
The dirt is frozen
And the shovel won’t go through
I try to hang on when it
gets too difficult
But sometimes I
go over the edge
My fingertips are slathered
in the butter that fills me with self-hatred
And fear
Fear is a lion
threatens to swallow me whole
bares its teeth and looks me in the eye
I run in every direction
but he’s always there
And I can’t get free
Sometimes
The world is too much
But I stand strong
And bury my feet-
just my feet-
in the ground and
stand
up
tall

Catalyst

It’s time to get rid of all the toxins in my life. Letting go of others is hard enough, but becoming the bigger person is even more difficult. This song is about trying to help someone who has broken you down . I have struggled with people who were not healthy to have in my life. They need all the help they can get, and sometimes that will not be enough. These people make themselves stronger by breaking you down. A catalyst is a substance that makes others stronger while not changing itself’. While I did change from these relationships, I still believe that I was a catalyst. I made others stronger, but was going nowhere myself. I didn’t get any better because of them, but I didn’t become any worse of a person. I was a catalyst, but it is time to become the one getting stronger. Here is “Catalyst”.

---

Take it

Take this life away

Take everything you gave me

Throw it down the drain

You caused me so much pain

More than anyone can handle

My candles are blown out

Because of you

 

I’m much worse

You have never been better

Everything has turned to dirt

I gave you the shirt off my back

While you made me fall off the tracks

So run away, I insist

You were my wrecking ball

I was your catalyst

 

Make it

Make all of this disappear

I don’t want you here

I don’t want to see your face

It just reminds me

Of every single day

That you tore me down

I built you up

I won’t let you corrupt me any more

This thing I have become

 

I’m much worse

You have never been better

Everything has turned to dirt

I gave you the shirt off my back

While you made me fall off the tracks

So run away, I insist

You were my wrecking ball

I was your catalyst

 

If I see you around this city

I will only take pity

You took my brain and marked it yours

Took residence for years

Think about all of the tears

That have been shed

I will not take this any more

 

You’re much worse

I have never been better

Everything has burned to the ground

But I’m ready to turn things around

Tried to break me, I won’t bend

So try to change, I insist

You were my wrecking ball

I won’t be your catalyst

Can’t

I’m not sure why this song popped up in my head. I am in a great place, but the words came to me. When words come, you can’t pass them up. I don’t have much else to say besides that, so I’ll go ahead and post the song. The review for the Cold War Kids’ album should be up very soon. Sorry for the delay.

---

 

I can’t, I won’t

So don’t even try

 

I said, I can’t, I won’t

So don’t even try

 

Nobody will let me

So I will not be telling

There is no way I can do this alone

I need to get out

Of this place, of this house

I need to do it on my own

 

But I’m scared and afraid

Want to go my own way

But I’m making a mess of myself

Don’t tell me I’m wrong

I don’t want to be saved by anyone else

Have to do it for me

But it’s hard to break free

When you’re barely breathing

I just can’t

 

Throwing my life down the drain

Is a common theme of every single day

Want to climb out of the pipes

I go down in flames

Can’t stand my own name

It’s meaning is that I’m screwed up inside

 

I’m scared and afraid

Want to go my own way

But I’m making a mess of myself

Don’t tell me I’m wrong

I don’t want to be saved by anyone else

Have to do it for me

But it’s hard to break free

When you’re barely breathing

I just can’t

 

I’m trying so hard

Can’t you see it’s not enough

Fill my days up with fluff

So you can’t see my real life

And I try

Can you try?

 

I’m scared and afraid

Want to go my own way

But I’m making a mess of myself

Don’t tell me I’m wrong

I don’t want to be saved by anyone else

Have to do it for me

But it’s hard to break free

When you’re barely breathing

I just can’t

 

I can’t, but I want

So someone stand by my side

 

I said I can’t. but I want

So someone stand by my side today

 

Bipolar

Some days are not good, while others are the best ever. My day has been right in the middle of that, and I have been feeling very good lately. This song today is about the ups and downs that happen to some people, myself included. Mine are not quite as extreme as in these lyrics, but the idea is the same. Sometimes you can’t sleep and all you want to do is, well, everything. Other times, you just want to sleep and push away the world. Finding a happy medium can be difficult, but it is possible. I know that I go in and out of it on an unknown schedule, but I can handle it, and you can too. It stinks. It is the worst thing ever, but pushing through is all you can do. Here is my song of the day, titled “Bipolar”

---

 

I’ve been awake for days

Can’t sleep one wink

I don’t want to anyway

Too many dishes in the sink

Too many papers to be covered

With so many words and pictures

I’ve been reading hymns and scriptures

I’ve read everything else

Cleared off the shelf

 

I’m double the fear

I’m double the tears

Double the trouble that comes when I’m here

I’m double the manic

I’m double the panic

But the double that takes over

Is being bipolar

 

Finally I fall asleep

My mood sinks

I don’t wake up for years it seems

Don’t want to face reality

My mind doesn’t race

But it all goes to waste

All it does is hesitate

Thinks about the miserable

Leaves out all the wonderful

 

I’m double the fear

I’m double the tears

Double the trouble that comes when I’m here

I’m double the manic

I’m double the panic

But the double that takes over

Is being bipolar

 

Up, up, up, and away

Won’t be back down for several days

The down, down, down

My brain is blank, won’t make a sound

I cry, cry, cry

I try, try, try

To get back up

But it’s denied

I fly, fly, fly

Into the sky

Not there for long

Because then I fall

 

I’m double the fear

I’m double the tears

Double the trouble that comes when I’m here

I’m double the manic

I’m double the panic

But the double that takes over

Is being bipolar

Annalise

Wow. I have not written in a while. I have been extremely busy with marching band and a college visit. The good news is that I have decided that I am going to commit to the college I visited. I sat in on a French Literature class and that pretty much sold me. I have never taken French a day in my life, but the way the class was set up convinced me that I need to go to this school.

This song I have written has taken me a few days because I have had so little time to write it. I was inspired by my last post and the singer I was talking about. This song takes a spin on what he dealt with and has really made me think. It was a hard poem to write, as I do not have much experience with this subject, but I tried my hardest. The name of the girl in this writing is Annalise, which means graced with God’s bounty. The hope is that this girl can pick herself up and live up to her name. I know she is not real, but this can ring true for anybody struggling.

---

 

She wakes up each morning

Guesses the last warning

was not enough

to keep her from the demons

That only come when she’s drinking

Take over her body

Her eyes are bloodshot

In the middle, big dots

Letting in too much light

It was a rough night

 

Don’t pick it up

Or you’ll have to pick up the pieces

Annalise, that’s enough

You took more than you needed

You don’t need it at all

But your bottle was dark and tall

Filled to the brim with booze

And everything you have to lose

Don’t let it go, Annalise

So you’ll never have to choose

Life over being dead

Using your senses or losing your head

You’ve bit off more than you can chew

Annalise, it’s up to you

 

Wakes up in a stranger’s bed

Doesn’t remember one thing she said

Did she screw things up?

Apparently the answer is yes

With a messed up frown and torn up dress

Her life is much more than a mess

She wakes up before it’s too late

She steps quietly onto the floor

Let’s her memories fade as she walk out the door

 

Don’t pick it up

Or you’ll have to pick up the pieces

Annalise, that’s enough

You took more than you needed

You don’t need it at all

But your bottle was dark and tall

Filled to the brim with booze

And everything you have to lose

Don’t let it go, Annalise

So you’ll never have to choose

Life over being dead

Using your senses or losing your head

You’ve bit off more than you can chew

Annalise, it’s up to you

 

She looks in the mirror and at her messed up hair

She doesn’t but she wants to care

The whole world is numb

Why was she so dumb?

She misses so much when she’s drunk

But it’s too late to fix it

It’s easy to forget

When you screw yourself up

 

Don’t pick it up

Or you’ll have to pick up the pieces

Annalise, that’s enough

You took more than you needed

You don’t need it at all

But your bottle was dark and tall

Filled to the brim with booze

And everything you have to lose

Don’t let it go, Annalise

So you’ll never have to choose

Life over being dead

Using your senses or losing your head

You’ve bit off more than you can chew

Annalise, it’s up to you

Annalise remember

What you’ve gained in pushing away

You’ve lost in everything else

Those few drinks will not stay

While what comes afterward will

Every memory that remains

Will be the ones you will hate

 

Why I Am

Sorry about not posting yesterday. It has been a busy week. Hopefully I can post more often. Today’s post was inspired by the music I am listening to. This post is about why Three Days Grace means so much to me. Maybe you can relate. It might not be with this band, but any artist can bring back memories, good and bad. Music can be the reason for your mood, or an indicator of it. Whatever it is, I hope you find some music that will bring up these feelings I have for you. Everyone deserves a musician who you are always in the mood for. I hope you enjoy my thoughts of the day.

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I wrote about Pierce The Veil a while back, stating that they were my favorite band and the reasons why. What I forgot while I was writing that is that there is another band with whom I owe even more to. That band is Three Days Grace. I am listening to them as I write this, and it reminds me why I am going to write this. They are one of the reasons I am where I am today.

When I was in residential treatment, not much was going good for me. The only constants in my life were the schedule and music. I had a roommate who listened to the hard rock station on the radio. Before her, I listened to the alternative station. That is a great thing, and that is still some of my favorite music, but when I heard that station, a whole new world opened for me. One of the bands she introduced me to was Three Days Grace. They were on their fourth album at this point, so I was behind on getting to know them. I made up for it though.

I remember we were allowed to ask for lyrics to be printed off for us at the center. I asked for them almost everyday, and one day I asked for the song “Chalk Outline” from Three Days Grace. Apparently the lyrics are too negative and I was denied the lyrics. I do not agree with this at all, but I made do by listening to the song every time it came on the radio and memorizing it. I could sing it to you word by word to this day. It meant everything to me. Having a song I could relate to and love so much helped me.

For Christmas that year, I asked for three CDs. One of them was “Transit To Venus” by 3DG. Out of the three albums I got, that was the one I listened to the most. Those moments I could escape and just focus on the music were one of the best parts of treatment.

About three months after I got the album, I got released from the center and was able to come home. One of the first things I did was buy the rest of the 3DG discography. I own every song by them except their most two recent ones. The reason I don’t have those is because I am not happy that there is a new singer. I looked up to Adam Gontier, who fronted the band from it’s beginning. I know I wasn’t there since the beginning, but he still means a lot to me. He struggled with addiction and was admitted to a behavioral health center. He wrote many of his songs there, and that inspires me to write. If he can write such meaningful songs while in a rough place, I can too. It’s not that I don’t like Matt Walst. He is talented, but he is not the same to me. “Painkiller” is a pretty darn good song, but it is not Gontier’s work. I will get used to it eventually.

There is diversity in 3DG’s work. It can have you crying, with Pain, angry with Riot, and then feeling inspired with Life Starts Now. Everything about the band is honesty, and that is why they resonate with me. They are telling the truth, and that is everything I want.

Three Days Grace means more to me than any other band, even though I stated that about Pierce The Veil. PTV still means a great deal to me, but 3DG is why I am who I am today. Thank you everyone involved. I am a better person because of you.

Try

Today has been a pretty good day, but I have had it up to the sky with my sister. She is only nine and acts as if she is half that. I love her to pieces, but I struggle a lot with feeling inferior to her. This poem is about my feelings I have been having with her.

On another note, my dad told me today that I should consider being a songwriter. That made me feel pretty good. This is an attempt at a song, so if you like it, I’d love to hear it. I would like to know if I am actually good at this.

Here is “Try”

Sisters fight and yell

It’s not alright, I tell

Her everyday I love her

Why can’t she say it back?

 

She hits and pulls my hair

When I need her, she’s not there

Eight years apart

Why is it so far?

She’s younger, but she rules me

It’s tyranny, I wish it wasn’t

I hate how I’m not strong enough

To tell her she is wrong

 

She tries my patience

And I try to act my age

I try to be a leader

But she always takes center stage

I try to not fall into

Her screaming and the fights

I try so hard to not be wrong

But she’s not always right

 

I know she’s not all at fault

I took a part and have not taught

Her how to listen and be kind

She will share her piece of mind

Even if you don’t want it

She won’t quit until she wins

Just let me do me without your thoughts

You’ve crossed your T’s and made your dots

 

She tries my patience

And I try to act my age

I try to be a leader

But she always takes center stage

I try to not fall into

Her screaming and the fights

I try so hard to not be wrong

But she’s not always right

 

Please know I love you

But I can’t take

All of the ways you treat me

She tries my patience

And I try to act my age

I try to be a leader

But she always takes center stage

I try to not fall into

Her screaming and the fights

I try so hard to not be wrong

But she’s not always right

I try and I try and I try