My Experience With Residential 2

When I have to be on a team that expects me to want to win, try again. I’m not the person you want. We played a lot of games with balls and running, probably my least two favorite things about sports. I guess that is why I don’t play any. They also had a climbing wall, which I never did because of a fear of falling off and insecurity that people were going to watch me.

Part of RT was getting to go to the pool every week, I can’t swim, but being in the water and playing beach ball volleyball over a net (beach balls are an exception to my fear), and use kickboards and noodles. It was very fun, and I;n

Christmas was a special day at the hospital. We got to help plan a Christmas Show, where we sang, made up dance, and I got to read a poem I had written about Christmas. We performed it, and my grandparents came down to watch it.  We also got special Christmas pajamas on Christmas Eve, based on our likes. I got Hello Kitty pajamas. We also had written down a list of things we wanted for presents.  They then put it on  tree for people to pick up and give a few gifts to people. I got all Hello Kitty stuff, which I love and still have.

We had school every day. I have another blog about this, which will explain what the schooling is like as an inpatient.

We also had group a few days a week, When a new person came, they would be in a typical group, with music, birthday cakes,  and therapeutic talk. The music came from people choosing their most meaningful song. I believe I chose Blood For Poppies by Garbage because it talks about missing home and your dog, which I could definitely agree with.

We also had DBT. We learned a lot of skills to regulate our emotions, self soothe, and how to let things pass. My therapist and another chooses from the girls based on behavior. No boys were allowed in the meetings.

Every day was not a good day. For me,  I had a “honeymoon effect” where I was great for a while. Then things started to break down. I stopped eating, was psychotic, started cutting with anything sharp I could find, mostly paperclips. I also banged my head against the wall. I got restrained several times and sent to the quiet room with the door locked so I couldn’t get out.  I was forced to wear gowns instead of clothes and had to sleep on a mattress right by the staff so they could watch me. I was on 1:1, which meant no privacy. Right outside of the bathroom and when I ate. I couldn’t even leave the unit because of my symptoms. It was eventually decided that I was too sick to be on residential, That next day, I got moved to acute, where they could keep a closer eye on me. I stayed there five days, several that spent some time in the quiet room and strapped to the bed. On the acute side, they gave shots to calm you down, which I also was poked with a lot.

Eventually I was moved back to the residential side.I decided that I wanted to get better so I could leave and live a healthy life. When I was settled on the residential, I started my path to recovery.

 

Blood For Poppies- Garbage

 

 

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I’m Not A Noun

People, places. things, and me
Don’t fit  into any category
I’m just a freak that didn’t fall off
This spinning, turning blue green rock
1ry to fall off the edge of it
Others live, and I exist
Just another being, filled with shame
who doesn’t even deserve a name
They tell me the edge is not real
The earth is round, so I have to stay here
The stars look enticing while the moon is not too high
It really doesn’t take too long to get to the sky
They try to keep me down and pour pills down my throat
Want to make me normal. but the meds take a toll
Each tablet down ’til the bottles gone
Then go to get more so I can move on
Sit down in an empty booth
Having flashbacks of the truth
Every step feels like I’m close to the end
Each heartbeat tells me it’s not my friend
Let me fall, cover me with snow
I’ll Rip Van Winkle for 100 years or so
Maybe by then, my life will be together
I doubt it will make me better
I’m not a noun, I’ll never be
Maybe a hyperbole
They’ll use my name in a simile
People, places, things, and me

The Bus

 

A slave to myself

Chained to a society

Telling us to eat less

Telling us to be skinny

While at the same time

Says you are beautiful

The way you are

That we don’t need to change

 

I want to change, though

I don’t know if for the positive

Or the negative

What is the positive

In this case?

Thin or healthy?

What about being healthy while being thin?

Let’s leave that fairy tale alone

 

Beautiful people have

Beautiful minds

What about me?

I guess that’s why my mind

Is ugly

The mirror stares back at me

Can’t stand my own reflection

While it tries not to puke when it sees me

 

Broken bodies and Broken souls

All add up to who I am

My body is my biggest enemy

My soul is cracked beyond belief

My head is a scary place to be in

My brain wants out so it can

Find a person who loves herself

It might not be easy

 

Other people stand alone

Waiting for the bus to sanity to arrive

While I get there ten minutes late

Maybe the next bus will take me to self-love

But I don’t have the change in me

To pay for the ride

All those aboard look at me and point

“She’s not going anywhere”

 

Well, I guess I’m stuck here for a while

Until I finally gain the courage

To not give in to the urges

That pick me up, then throws me down

I’ll be here waiting in the rain

Until I love myself again

Maybe a second, maybe a year

I might be 80 before it comes out

 

Someday the bus will come my way

Let me on and take me to

A world where I am fine with me

Where my loved ones are

Where I’m meant to be

The world I could find just by

Taking the blindfold off

Finally see that I am loved for me

Butterfingers

Sometimes
Things build up and get knocked down
Sometimes
I can’t hold on to the cliff
My hands slip off
and I look at the water below
Sometimes the world looks too tough
The dirt is frozen
And the shovel won’t go through
I try to hang on when it
gets too difficult
But sometimes I
go over the edge
My fingertips are slathered
in the butter that fills me with self-hatred
And fear
Fear is a lion
threatens to swallow me whole
bares its teeth and looks me in the eye
I run in every direction
but he’s always there
And I can’t get free
Sometimes
The world is too much
But I stand strong
And bury my feet-
just my feet-
in the ground and
stand
up
tall

Catalyst

It’s time to get rid of all the toxins in my life. Letting go of others is hard enough, but becoming the bigger person is even more difficult. This song is about trying to help someone who has broken you down . I have struggled with people who were not healthy to have in my life. They need all the help they can get, and sometimes that will not be enough. These people make themselves stronger by breaking you down. A catalyst is a substance that makes others stronger while not changing itself’. While I did change from these relationships, I still believe that I was a catalyst. I made others stronger, but was going nowhere myself. I didn’t get any better because of them, but I didn’t become any worse of a person. I was a catalyst, but it is time to become the one getting stronger. Here is “Catalyst”.


Take it

Take this life away

Take everything you gave me

Throw it down the drain

You caused me so much pain

More than anyone can handle

My candles are blown out

Because of you

 

I’m much worse

You have never been better

Everything has turned to dirt

I gave you the shirt off my back

While you made me fall off the tracks

So run away, I insist

You were my wrecking ball

I was your catalyst

 

Make it

Make all of this disappear

I don’t want you here

I don’t want to see your face

It just reminds me

Of every single day

That you tore me down

I built you up

I won’t let you corrupt me any more

This thing I have become

 

I’m much worse

You have never been better

Everything has turned to dirt

I gave you the shirt off my back

While you made me fall off the tracks

So run away, I insist

You were my wrecking ball

I was your catalyst

 

If I see you around this city

I will only take pity

You took my brain and marked it yours

Took residence for years

Think about all of the tears

That have been shed

I will not take this any more

 

You’re much worse

I have never been better

Everything has burned to the ground

But I’m ready to turn things around

Tried to break me, I won’t bend

So try to change, I insist

You were my wrecking ball

I won’t be your catalyst

Can’t

I’m not sure why this song popped up in my head. I am in a great place, but the words came to me. When words come, you can’t pass them up. I don’t have much else to say besides that, so I’ll go ahead and post the song. The review for the Cold War Kids’ album should be up very soon. Sorry for the delay.


 

I can’t, I won’t

So don’t even try

 

I said, I can’t, I won’t

So don’t even try

 

Nobody will let me

So I will not be telling

There is no way I can do this alone

I need to get out

Of this place, of this house

I need to do it on my own

 

But I’m scared and afraid

Want to go my own way

But I’m making a mess of myself

Don’t tell me I’m wrong

I don’t want to be saved by anyone else

Have to do it for me

But it’s hard to break free

When you’re barely breathing

I just can’t

 

Throwing my life down the drain

Is a common theme of every single day

Want to climb out of the pipes

I go down in flames

Can’t stand my own name

It’s meaning is that I’m screwed up inside

 

I’m scared and afraid

Want to go my own way

But I’m making a mess of myself

Don’t tell me I’m wrong

I don’t want to be saved by anyone else

Have to do it for me

But it’s hard to break free

When you’re barely breathing

I just can’t

 

I’m trying so hard

Can’t you see it’s not enough

Fill my days up with fluff

So you can’t see my real life

And I try

Can you try?

 

I’m scared and afraid

Want to go my own way

But I’m making a mess of myself

Don’t tell me I’m wrong

I don’t want to be saved by anyone else

Have to do it for me

But it’s hard to break free

When you’re barely breathing

I just can’t

 

I can’t, but I want

So someone stand by my side

 

I said I can’t. but I want

So someone stand by my side today

 

Bipolar

Some days are not good, while others are the best ever. My day has been right in the middle of that, and I have been feeling very good lately. This song today is about the ups and downs that happen to some people, myself included. Mine are not quite as extreme as in these lyrics, but the idea is the same. Sometimes you can’t sleep and all you want to do is, well, everything. Other times, you just want to sleep and push away the world. Finding a happy medium can be difficult, but it is possible. I know that I go in and out of it on an unknown schedule, but I can handle it, and you can too. It stinks. It is the worst thing ever, but pushing through is all you can do. Here is my song of the day, titled “Bipolar”


 

I’ve been awake for days

Can’t sleep one wink

I don’t want to anyway

Too many dishes in the sink

Too many papers to be covered

With so many words and pictures

I’ve been reading hymns and scriptures

I’ve read everything else

Cleared off the shelf

 

I’m double the fear

I’m double the tears

Double the trouble that comes when I’m here

I’m double the manic

I’m double the panic

But the double that takes over

Is being bipolar

 

Finally I fall asleep

My mood sinks

I don’t wake up for years it seems

Don’t want to face reality

My mind doesn’t race

But it all goes to waste

All it does is hesitate

Thinks about the miserable

Leaves out all the wonderful

 

I’m double the fear

I’m double the tears

Double the trouble that comes when I’m here

I’m double the manic

I’m double the panic

But the double that takes over

Is being bipolar

 

Up, up, up, and away

Won’t be back down for several days

The down, down, down

My brain is blank, won’t make a sound

I cry, cry, cry

I try, try, try

To get back up

But it’s denied

I fly, fly, fly

Into the sky

Not there for long

Because then I fall

 

I’m double the fear

I’m double the tears

Double the trouble that comes when I’m here

I’m double the manic

I’m double the panic

But the double that takes over

Is being bipolar