Paper Crane

I don’t know where I am right now

I’m in the clouds, and can’t get down

I hail a taxi, but they don’t see

The transparent person I’ve come to be

“Oh she went too young”

Off to a place behind the glass

 

Trust me, I know where I’m going

Trust me, I know that I’m lying

 

Let me try on those wings and fly

I don’t know directions, but I know I will try

To get far away, go away, disappear

Away from this smothering atmosphere

Life’s getting old

But so am I

 

Look out the window

All I see

Two eyes trying not to bleed

Tears of red and blood of gold

Trying to be young, but I’ve grown twice my height

The spark of youth ain’t burning as bright

I’m slowing growing done

 

Trust me, I know I’m beginning

Trust me, I know that life’s ending

 

Let me try on those wings and fly

I don’t know directions, but I know I will try

To get far away, go away, disappear

Away from this smothering atmosphere

Life’s getting old

But so am I

Push me off the edge of this building

I’ll either fly or I will die

Don’t seem to care either way anymore

I’m growing up and this bird is ready to settle down

 

Let me try on those wings and fly

I don’t know directions, but I know I will try

To get far away, go away, disappear

Away from this smothering atmosphere

Life’s getting old

But so am I

 

Trust me, I’m ready

Trust me, I’m fine

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Fake Friend

 

I ran around with you

I was 11 you were with me

Thought you were you the best

In history, but  couldn’t see

When you rode the bus of bad dreams

And you sat right there right beside me

Laughing in my wildest daydreams

But I hoped it’d be over soon

 

A connection between us

Turned into disruption

How did we build this assumption

That turned into misery.

 

Trust in me

Trust in you

Don’t trust anything we have been through

Trust in life

Trust in death

The devil won’t take me quite yet

So here I go again

Giving my life to a fake friend

 

Here we sit inside your room

Playing dolls and screaming warnings

Or was that just my brain screaming

To leave before morning

When we decided she could come

I should have seen she was someone

That others could see the problem

But my hope was blind

 

A connection between us

Turned into disruption

How did we build this assumption

That turned into misery.

 

Trust in me

Trust in you

Don’t trust anything we have been through

Trust in life

Trust in death

The devil won’t take me quite yet

So here I go again

Giving my life to a fake friend

 

I should have known that friends

Are not always what they  seem

While I was happy to have a friend

I should have known how meen

She pulled hair out in handfuls

Hit me so hard that I couldn’t pull

Away from her hands full of cruel

I was done

 

No connection between us

I still hurt from the disruption

I don’t why the assumption

Made her fine but tortured me

 

Trust in me

Trust in you

Don’t trust anything we have been through

Trust in life

Trust in death

The devil won’t take me quite yet

So here
So I go again

Still giving my life to a fake friend

 

I won’t my life be through

 

Your stupid attitude

 

Never understood the que

 

And I will never, ever, ever, for forever
Put my trust in you

I Give It All (I Won It All)

I live my life in particles
every single bit of  me
Is filled with hatred, needing release
Won’t revert to my past ways

Won’t hurt myself
Mirrors shattered and broken dreams, truth is held and lies  are believed
Trust is given too easily
Fear is taken too seriously
I give it all
Beauty was my hope
Went down the sink with the bar of soap
I give it all
Shed my image to be someone else
When all I can see is an empty shell
I give it all, give it all away
I live my life in articles
Read every single line
Ripped up pages that I don’t like
Why don’t models show tears in their eyes
All I wonder
Why I see shades of black when the world’s full of color
Trust is given too easily
Fear is taken too seriously
I give it all
Beauty was my hope
Went down the sink with the bar of soap
I give it all
Shed my image to be someone else
When all I can see is an empty shell
I give it all, give it all away
I need to learn how to fly
Break away from the nest I’ve made
Where everything is falling down
I can drown in the sound of each mistake
They take no part in my life
I’m learning how to be alright
I learned how to trust less easily
My fears aren’t taken so seriously
I win it all
Beauty was my hope
Now I don’t waste the soap
I win it all
Shed my image to become myself
Now all I can see is a thriving shell
I win, I win it all
 I won’t go back again, I won so I can finally live

I’m Not a Freak. I’m a Fan.

I share what I am listening to on my personal Twitter almost every day. It is the main thing I tweet. Most of the time, nobody notices them. So, when I tweeted about Set It Off, and got a favorite and comment from a friend on it, it was unexpected. This friend favorites my music tweets every now and again, so I know she has a good taste in music. We ended up having a long conversation, including some Set It Off talk. We realized that this band means a lot to both of us. For a band to become a constant in your life after less than a month of listening, they must be something special if they can become that for me. Set It Off is the latest and most quickly accepted band in my life. Most bands, it takes me several listens to get into them, but Set It Off took over me the first time I heard them.

 

The first Set It Off song I ever heard was “Why Worry”. This is off their Duality, their newest album. I am late to the party, but it is a fashionable kind of late. While I may be behind, I am quickly catching up.”Why Worry” means everything to me. It basically is a song telling you to relax. Most everybody needs that, but I need it more than most. I am extremely high strung. People talk about overthinking, but I take it to the next extreme. If I mess up in the smallest way, I will still be thinking about it two years later. It comes up at the worst times, and I hate it. Panic attacks happen less often than they did, but when they happen, they are bad. I mean BAD. I hyperventilate, shake, cry, and gag until I think I am going to throw up. My stomach will hurt for days because I am worrying about something, and I shake my legs so much, my doctor always thinks it is a side effect of my medicine. No, doctor, I am just nervous. That is why this song means so much to me. It is telling you to calm down and ask why you are worrying. It calls out people who do not understand. Meaningful is too weak a word for it. It is like my house, where I can feel safe to be me. No other song has described me so well before. I have found meaning in many songs, but this is the first to lay out everything I need in words.

 

After “Why Worry”, I knew I was in for life. I had to check out more, so check I did. Spotify to the rescue! I opened the app, searched Set It Off, and found a safe place. These songs describe everything I have ever felt. There are the inspiring songs, such as “Tomorrow” on Duality (which features Jason Lancaster), and “Dream Catcher” on Cinematics. Then there are the songs that describe how I feel on the inside. Most of these songs come from Cinematics. “Freak Show” for example. I often feel like I am out of place and nobody likes me, but like in the song I have come to realize that mean people can’t break me. While they have in the past, I now actually have friends, happiness, and love. Love for myself as well, at least most of the time.  Another example is “No Control”. It talks about feeling like you are screwed up. I can’t tell you how many times that has been through my head. Let’s just say that it has taken up a permanent residence and takes vacations every other weekend. Maybe not even every other weekend. Probably more like one day a month, or one hour a month, or one minute a month Whatever it is, it is not there often. It talks about struggling, and I know what that is like. Somehow the band makes a beautiful song out of the struggle, which makes me like them so much. One more song on Cinematics that is me is “Nightmare”. It states “I created a monster/ A hell within my head. This is true for nearly everybody who has a rough moment. You might not create the problem, but dwelling on it can make it worse. It becomes your own personal hell that you cannot escape. I’ve been there. I know what it is like, so for somebody else to be able to say that they know is comforting.


Saying I am a Set It Off fan forever might not be enough, but will I ever have enough thanks for this band?  There is no possible way I could repay what they have given me. Hope. Assurance. Love. Dreams. Everything worth having, I have found in a band. Oh, and let’s not forget the great tunes these dudes produce. They rock, and because of them, I am learning that I can too.

Tangible

Christmas is in four days. My birthday is in six. This is probably the most exciting part of the year to me. I am so excited I can hardly contain it. These lyrics I wrote do not fit my recent mood at all, but they came out of me anyway. I seem to write best about sad subjects. Here is “Tangible”


I tried to grab the world

By the clouds, and drag them down

So they would be at my level

Out of the sky and underground

A place where I seem to stay

 

I hate being the only one

Who is alone when nobody’s gone

I may be surrounded

But I still am afraid

A thing that is homemade

 

I don’t know

Where I belong

I don’t know

Where I went wrong

Why don’t I know

how to live

How to give up my dreams

They don’t mean anything at all

Not at all

 

Tangible objects don’t mean much

When what I want is something

I can’t touch

I need peace

Some hope would be nice

Maybe melt this heart made of ice

I don’t know

Where I belong

I don’t know

Where I went wrong

Why don’t I know

how to live

How to give up my dreams

They don’t mean anything at all

Not at all

 

My thoughts catch me

It has a net that seems to get

Me everytime I try to run away

My wishful thinking never helps

It only makes me less sure of myself

 

I’m finished being finished

But my brain is overdone

And burnt to a crisp

I can’t do this


Christmas Without You

The last few days have been a mix of up and downs. I haven’t posted much due to a.) being busy or b.) not being in a good state of mind. I am better now, and will hopefully be putting out this post along with another music-oriented post.

This poem/song is one I wrote at a bad point in my life. I was not at home, so I was not going to get to see my family on Christmas. I had this idea in my head for a long time, but I finally sat down and wrote it a while ago. Christmas is not fun without your family or other loved ones, so I had plenty of inspiration for this song. Here is “Christmas Without You”.


The snow’s falling down

Just like the tears in my eyes

Everything’s so nice and pretty

But all of that is my disguise

 

I’m sitting outside

Missing the kisses and hugs

The only warmth I’m getting

Is from the fire and my gloves

 

So give me some info

On why I’m here and not with you

I don’t think I can take it

On Christmas day and my birthday too

 

The lights are all up

Shining red, green, and bright

I just need a second

To make sure that I’m alright

 

I think my heart’s broken

Just like the ornament on the floor

I dropped it when I was thinking

About ways to spend time with you more

 

So give me some info

On why I’m here and not with you

I don’t think

I can take it

On Christmas day and my birthday too

 

I’m building some snowmen

Mr., Mrs., and kids

But this family can’t compare

To mine and what they give

 

The Christmas tree’s standing

Decorated with a star on top

I wish I was feeling up there

Instead of down, I wish I was up

 

So give me some info

On why I’m here and not with you

I don’t think I can take it

On Christmas day and my birthday too

Ebb and Flow

Everything is flowing and going well. I have been thinking a lot about college. There are so many things I want to do, and it is hard to decide.I know I have time, but it is still a worthwhile subject to think about. I was talking to somebody about it, and they brought up a job to me that sounds interesting. It is called an Applied Behavioral Analyst. In this job you work with children, typically with autism, and help them with their behaviors and help their parents learn how to take care of their child. This may not be completely correct, but it is what I have gotten from online reading and conversation. Music journalism is still my number one choice, but working with children, particularly those with special needs, has always been a love of mine. I could major in psychology, get my masters degree, and be set. I could study something I love and get a good job. These are all good things.

These lyrics are about my mood changing. This is a subject I write about often, but it is a very real topic to me. Here is “Ebb and Flow”


This disease has gone to town

Building me up, then tearing me down

I didn’t ask for this, did I?

Then why does every day try to take

The life out of me

Well, I’m at my wake

Then I jump out of the coffin

This happens too often

Get me out of here alive

So I can change my past mistakes

So my body doesn’t have to make

Me change

 

I guess karma is a witch

Did things totally wrong

Guess that’s why I switch

Back and forth all day long

I go up and down

I’m an elevator

My hope is hellbound

Pain is my motivator

 

Sometimes I’m the iceberg

Sometimes the Titanic

Knocking things down when I hurt

I push and pull, I’m frantic

Then I’m broken down in two

My pieces drift apart

I’m the dirt under my shoe

The hole in ex-lovers’ hearts

 

I come in waves

Wash out to sea

Nobody can save

This pathetic person that is me

 

This disease has gone to town

Building me up, then tearing me down

I didn’t ask for this, did I?

Then why does every day try to take

The life out of me

Well, I’m at my wake

Then I jump out of the coffin

This happens too often

Get me out of here alive

So I can change my past mistakes

So my body doesn’t have to make

Me change

 

I need to change

This disease has gone to town

Building me up, then tearing me down

I didn’t ask for this, did I?

Then why does every day try to take

The life out of me

Well, I’m at my wake

Then I jump out of the coffin

This happens too often

Get me out of here alive

So I can change my past mistakes

So my body doesn’t have to make

Me change

 

Change the way my body goes

I have to deal with the ebbs and flows

Too hard, I’ll stop

I’ll back up, mess up a lot

These changes make a mess

They make me day and night

They make me mean and nice

But I’ll get out alive

I’ll make things up and go on with life