Ctrl Alt Delete

I’m in a strange place right now. It is sort of a mix between depression and mania, but not on even ground. It is weird. At moments I am super high, while others I don’t know what to do. I’m hoping I figure this out, but until then, I am going to write.

These lyrics are a dramatization of how I am feeling. It is hard to feel like this when you want everything to be fine. Feeling like you are floating is the greatest, but the rock pulls you under. I hate it, but I know I’ll get out. Anyway, here is “Ctrl Alt Delete”.

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Happiness

Not one of my friends

Want it to come so much it hurts

But instead I’m knocked down when loneliness lurks

It stays around and makes you want

To wipe your smile and leave its smirk

 

I don’t want to keep on going

If this is how life’s going to be

I’ll throw in the towel

So ctrl, alt, delete my mind

Make it erase so I don’t know I’m alive

Before, and now, and after this

I want to rewind and just forget

I want to get over it

I want to move on with my life

 

Nobody’s perfect

But I’m not even worth it

Not worth getting help

I look at myself

Try to figure out I how I messed up

It’s lack of hope, not lack of love

Well love’s one thing I’ve never felt

 

I roll in disaster

Destroy, don’t think about after

I don’t want to keep on going

If this is how life’s going to be

I’ll throw in the towel

So ctrl, alt, delete my mind

Make it erase so I don’t know I’m alive

Before, and now, and after this

I want to rewind and just forget

I want to get over it

I want to move on with my life

 

I’ll move on when I’m good and ready

Which may be way after you are

Let me go at my own pace

Recovery is a journey

Not a race

Ebb and Flow

Everything is flowing and going well. I have been thinking a lot about college. There are so many things I want to do, and it is hard to decide.I know I have time, but it is still a worthwhile subject to think about. I was talking to somebody about it, and they brought up a job to me that sounds interesting. It is called an Applied Behavioral Analyst. In this job you work with children, typically with autism, and help them with their behaviors and help their parents learn how to take care of their child. This may not be completely correct, but it is what I have gotten from online reading and conversation. Music journalism is still my number one choice, but working with children, particularly those with special needs, has always been a love of mine. I could major in psychology, get my masters degree, and be set. I could study something I love and get a good job. These are all good things.

These lyrics are about my mood changing. This is a subject I write about often, but it is a very real topic to me. Here is “Ebb and Flow”

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This disease has gone to town

Building me up, then tearing me down

I didn’t ask for this, did I?

Then why does every day try to take

The life out of me

Well, I’m at my wake

Then I jump out of the coffin

This happens too often

Get me out of here alive

So I can change my past mistakes

So my body doesn’t have to make

Me change

 

I guess karma is a witch

Did things totally wrong

Guess that’s why I switch

Back and forth all day long

I go up and down

I’m an elevator

My hope is hellbound

Pain is my motivator

 

Sometimes I’m the iceberg

Sometimes the Titanic

Knocking things down when I hurt

I push and pull, I’m frantic

Then I’m broken down in two

My pieces drift apart

I’m the dirt under my shoe

The hole in ex-lovers’ hearts

 

I come in waves

Wash out to sea

Nobody can save

This pathetic person that is me

 

This disease has gone to town

Building me up, then tearing me down

I didn’t ask for this, did I?

Then why does every day try to take

The life out of me

Well, I’m at my wake

Then I jump out of the coffin

This happens too often

Get me out of here alive

So I can change my past mistakes

So my body doesn’t have to make

Me change

 

I need to change

This disease has gone to town

Building me up, then tearing me down

I didn’t ask for this, did I?

Then why does every day try to take

The life out of me

Well, I’m at my wake

Then I jump out of the coffin

This happens too often

Get me out of here alive

So I can change my past mistakes

So my body doesn’t have to make

Me change

 

Change the way my body goes

I have to deal with the ebbs and flows

Too hard, I’ll stop

I’ll back up, mess up a lot

These changes make a mess

They make me day and night

They make me mean and nice

But I’ll get out alive

I’ll make things up and go on with life

Voices

I have not posted in a while, because, as always, life is very busy. I had a poem planned to be the next one release, but then realized I needed to get something out. It has been a rough few days, and this poem/song helps release those emotions. This is “Voices”.

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Scary people scaring me

While I scare my family

I run away and try to fade

Into the back, but I try to stay

To the front

Is it bad I want

This to end right now

 

Bury myself in the ground

I don’t know if I can trust the sounds

That enter my ears

They’re my biggest fears

I die each time I try

But I lie to myself when I say I am fine

Tell me I’m something, but I won’t believe

I’m nothing more than my fantasies

They are nightmares, but they aren’t really there

They surround me, they’re everywhere

I’m nothing

 

I stop and stare

At what’s not there

I pick myself up

But I don’t go anywhere

I try to be okay

But don’t tell you could could make it every day

If you were me

You wouldn’t be alive

 

Bury myself in the ground

I don’t know if I can trust the sounds

That enter my ears

They’re my biggest fears

I die each time I try

But I lie to myself when I say I am fine

Tell me I’m something, but I won’t believe

I’m nothing more than my fantasies

They are nightmares, but they aren’t really there

They surround me, they’re everywhere

I’m nothing

 

This is done

But I haven’t won

I’m through, but the boulder

Weighs a ton

It’s repressing me, undressing me

Making me naked to my fear

It’s stressing me, it’s pressing me

Down to the floor, I’m dying here

Get me out of here alive

Get me out of here alive

Ears (Never Again)

There is a music video for a song I really like called “Headphones” by Matt Nathanson. First of all, the song is good. It has a good message about being yourself. The music video sold me on it though. Nathanson went to Peru with an organization called Starkey Hearing Foundation to give hearing aids to people who need them. IT is a great cause, and I have put the video below so you all can bask in the awesomeness.

These lyrics that I have written (below) are taken from the point of view of a person suffering from hearing loss. Hearing loss is a big deal, and needs more awareness. Share the music video above with your loved ones. Maybe somebody will be inspired like I was. Here is “Ears (Never Again)”

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It’s hard to believe

In anything

When you can’t tell what’s coming your way

It’s hard to know

Which way to go

When you don’t know what anyone has to say

 

Never again

Will the music beat

Will I hear stomping feet

It’s too quiet

In my mind

I think of these things

But I’ll never hear my daughter sing

Never hear her cry for me

It’s too dark, but not in sight

In mind

 

I listen quite clear

But with heart, not ears

Makes life a little bit hard

To see you smile wide

But not knowing why

Why did I pull this card?

 

Never again

Will the fireworks pop

I’ll just know it’s too hot

And too bright

I’ve learned a lot

But it’s scary to think

It’s all gone in a blink

Mess up everything

It’s too dark, but not in sight

In mind

 

It has been so long

Since everything has been gone

No more favorite songs

If I could, I would

Trade my ears for my eyes

So I know what’s inside

Instead of just out

Just out

 

Never again

Will I hear my son yell

Just show, no tell

It’s too loud

In my mind

All these things in my head

Making sounds instead

Of the words he just said

It’s too dark, but not in sight

In mind

Ana

This poem was hard to write. I went back to years ago when the topic was hard for me. I am much better now, but I will admit that it is hard to kick the thoughts forever.  Feeling beautiful is difficult, and I often don’t believe it. The holidays are difficult, but I am staying strong

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Here’s to Ana

I need to let you go

Thoughts are coming back

Bu I won’t let them show

 

I am fine

I kicked you long ago

I am fine the way I am

No certain weight to be below

 

This time of year

So hard to stay strong

Makes you want to stop again

But you can’t, not after so long

 

Things are good

I am great

Don’t need to worry

About what’s on my plate

 

I am beautiful

I don’t need to quit

Why is this so hard

To believe, when everybody says it

Here’s to Ana

I won’t let you get me down

So disappear and don’t come back

I won’t miss you being around

Bipolar

Some days are not good, while others are the best ever. My day has been right in the middle of that, and I have been feeling very good lately. This song today is about the ups and downs that happen to some people, myself included. Mine are not quite as extreme as in these lyrics, but the idea is the same. Sometimes you can’t sleep and all you want to do is, well, everything. Other times, you just want to sleep and push away the world. Finding a happy medium can be difficult, but it is possible. I know that I go in and out of it on an unknown schedule, but I can handle it, and you can too. It stinks. It is the worst thing ever, but pushing through is all you can do. Here is my song of the day, titled “Bipolar”

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I’ve been awake for days

Can’t sleep one wink

I don’t want to anyway

Too many dishes in the sink

Too many papers to be covered

With so many words and pictures

I’ve been reading hymns and scriptures

I’ve read everything else

Cleared off the shelf

 

I’m double the fear

I’m double the tears

Double the trouble that comes when I’m here

I’m double the manic

I’m double the panic

But the double that takes over

Is being bipolar

 

Finally I fall asleep

My mood sinks

I don’t wake up for years it seems

Don’t want to face reality

My mind doesn’t race

But it all goes to waste

All it does is hesitate

Thinks about the miserable

Leaves out all the wonderful

 

I’m double the fear

I’m double the tears

Double the trouble that comes when I’m here

I’m double the manic

I’m double the panic

But the double that takes over

Is being bipolar

 

Up, up, up, and away

Won’t be back down for several days

The down, down, down

My brain is blank, won’t make a sound

I cry, cry, cry

I try, try, try

To get back up

But it’s denied

I fly, fly, fly

Into the sky

Not there for long

Because then I fall

 

I’m double the fear

I’m double the tears

Double the trouble that comes when I’m here

I’m double the manic

I’m double the panic

But the double that takes over

Is being bipolar