Murky Sky

I almost

Fell of the edge of the world

Hoping the universe will

Call me home

I’ll waltz among

The stars

Tango with the meteors

Get drawn in by a

Blackhole
It feels like I am

Stuck here

Kicking

Screaming

Trying to clutch onto

The nothingness

All I see is the movie reel

Of my life

Swirling in my head

As I swirl around in the

Blank abyss

 

Suddenly

I reach for hope

And I find it

A way out

An entrance back to

The place I call home

It might not be on stable ground

But I am finding my way through the

Murky sky

Waiting for strength to be

Held down by

Gravity

Stars In My Eyes

 

I’m waiting

For the sun to go down

So you can see the stars in my eyes

 

For once the shadows behind my lids

Have dispersed and

Bright lights shine like a happy memory

 

It’s hard to remember the last time

A thought twinkled enough

To be seen

 

Sometimes the otherside

Of my memory steals

The lights and blows out the candles

 

Today though

The whisper of sunshine

Takes over the stars

 

At my darkest times long ago

The stars would come

From lightyears away, already burnt out

 

Now, the sun is the brightest

At day and night

You can see the fire within

 

I know I will burn out

Sometime when I am not expecting it

But there will always be someone to ignite

 

The stars and the sunshine

Will always be within me

As long as someone holds the matches

 

That someone

Will sometimes have to be

Me

The Bill

As the wind turns to a hurricane

The storm spins faster in my brain

Chaos mixes with insane

Deep cuts turn into the deepest pain

 

My heart is hit with rocks of hail

Can’t fill the hole with just one pail

I need to go and raise the sail

To leave behind all the junk mail

 

Rip one envelope to see

The bill telling the price of me

It costs too much for me to be

The melody and the harmony

 

The music of ice landing on my skin

Melting to show the fire that roars within

The notes hit my body like a violin

I’m doing all it will take to win

 

Give me my money and I’ll give you gold

If you treat me gently, I’ll do what I’m told

But I will no longer let my blood turn cold

I’ll be my own person, I will not be sold

2.0

Three hundred sixty five days

One hundred eighty degree turn

So much difference as time moves forward

So many bridges I’ve already burned

 

I’ve walked down the path and into the fire

Where I melted to the floor

Now I rebuild, like a 2.0

Stronger than before

 

Before smiles had to be sewn on
Then I pulled the stitches out

Now I am free to feel what I please

And show it with my mouth

 

I’ve gone across the ocean

With storms and angry waves

Without the lightning, my life wouldn’t shine

Now I’m here today

 

I didn’t think I’d make it

But I’m standing straight and tall

Through the highway, I came from Hell

I’ve made it through it all

Autism Acceptance Day 2017

Helping people with disabilities has always been a passion of mine. I’ve worked with children with various disabilities, but the ones with autism always stole a piece of my heart. I felt as if I saw a little bit of me inside them. Little did I know the reason I felt so connected.

 

I have autism.

 

I’ve been hospitalized 11 times in the last six years for mental health reasons. Depression and anxiety was always my diagnosis until my hospitalization in my freshman year- and only year- in college.

 

The psychiatrist said that he noticed some signs of Asperger’s Syndrome and suggested I got tested. Over winter break, I went to a testing psychologist who had my parents and I fill out questionnaire. I also had IQ tests done.

 

When I went to get the results, the psychologist said that I definitely was on the autism spectrum.

 

My parents said that the had wondered if I was on the spectrum for a while. They noted poor eye contact, difficulty with social cues and taking things too literally. After the questionnaire, it was revealed that I had many other symptoms.

 

I never suspected that I had autism. All of the people I had worked with or had seen on television were a lot different than me. I’m not nonverbal. I don’t wander away from my family. I am able to communicate.

 

However, I do have autism. There is no one way everybody expresses their symptoms. I have trouble with sarcasm, but another autistic person might be able to laugh along. I wring my hands and rock side to side when I am stressed, but someone else might flap their hands. Everybody in the world is different, and that is the same with autism.
As it is Autism Acceptance Day (April 2, 2017), it is important to know that there is no one face for autism. Everybody on the spectrum deserves to be accepted, no matter their ability. We might be easily spotted, or we might look like just another person in the world. In fact, that is what we are. Just another person in the world. No matter our ability, we are human, just like you.

Colors of the Sky

I might fall down

Just might get hurt

But I will not

Let this fire burn

Me to a crisp

Have nothing left

Than rotten bones

That broke while I slept

I reach up

To grab something new

All I can grasp

Is what make the sky blue

I turn the sky black

Covered with depression

And ash

No more sunsets

Nothing to view

It matches my weary eyes

Exactly to the hue

 

I will not surrender

I’ll ke the sun rise

I  will not back down

Until I’m ruler of the sky

My eyes will gain color

My life will grow strong

My bones will be built

I’ll learn right from wrong

My burns will be covered

With a new patch of skin

I will not let this happen

Ever again

A New Heart

It tangles up my mind

A shadow overcomes

I can’t see

I can’t hear

I can’t think

Everywhere I look

Is another obstacle

For me to climb over

Instead I get stuck underneath

Can’t climb up to staggered edge

That pierces my hands

Blood stains the rock

Leaving behind my dignity

I try to make it up

But I get caught in the fog

My brain feels like

It is somewhere in between

Heaven and hell

I guess it’s the Earth

And I never belonged

So I don’t know what the

Atmosphere is like

I’ll get used to it

With deep breaths

And a new heart

Ready to join

Where I am supposed to be

I’ll Swim On

Nobody knows

the rush of the river

over my heart

and down my face

drowning me as each ripple

tries to break my pieces

into pebbles

then into molecules

no one can see

except for me

I wish I wasn’t the only one

all I see are imperfections

when others see

they lie

the truth is hidden

they say that I look good

that my demeanor is beautiful

I don’t believe them

but I’ll swim on

down the this stream

of sorrow

World Mental Health Day 2016

Yesterday was World Mental Health Day, I wish I had written about it yesterday, but  haven’t been in the best physical health lately.

 

World Mental Health Day is a day of celebration. We celebrate who we are, no matter our differences. Some of us have depression. Others, anxiety. I happen to deal with Bipolar or Schizoaffective (my doctor is not sure). There are4 many other disorders that people live with. The thing is, we don’t need to just live with it. We need to thrive with it.

 

Mental illness can hold one down. It is so easy to give into the black of depression, the red and blue of bipolar, and a spectrum of colors that I imagine would be schizophrenia. We let it hold us back. Sometimes we aren’t holding it back. It rushes over us and no dam can hold it back

 

Being mentally ill is never somebody’s choice. Who in the world would choose to struggle so deeply? I can’t think of anyone, and I’m willing to b et you can’t either.

 

If I could go back to the day I first decided to give into the bullies, I would do it in a heartbeat. Or, maybe I wouldn’t. Mental illness has made me stronger. By breaking me down, I’ve been able to find my pieces. This time, I am trying to build myself on a stronger foundation. I’m going to put the pieces together in a different pattern so I will not be broken as easily. You can do this as well.

 

Speaking about mental illness is the first step to recovery. Talk to your family, your friends, your doctor, and anybody else you want to share your struggles with. Share your story. You never know who you could inspire to get help. Get help yourself. There is nothing wrong with taking medicine or getting therapy. It’s the strong thing to do.

 

I’m going to keep caring for myself, and I hope you will as well. It might only be World Mental Health Day one day a year, but every day is a day to take care of your mental well-being. Take care of yourself each and every day of the year.
I can do it, and so can you.

I Touched The Sky

I touched the sky

Not long ago

I watched it cry

As tears fell below

The clouds were kind

Until they changed

Into my mind

All over gray

The sun was high

Too far to reach

I could not find

The fiery peach

It’s pit was mine

Inside my heart

It grew each time

I fell apart

Love shines bright

But hate glows more

A black of night

With hurt in store

I’d rather burn

The candle of fear

So it will mourn

And melt in tears

I’ll grab a net

And catch the hope

It will be wet

Paint drying slow

Someday I’ll find

Armour of gold

To wrap my mind

Safe from the cold

I’ll get a net

Fish in the sky

I’ll catch what yet

Was to be mine

The fire will scar

Me with my name

For now, here we are

And will never be the same